email

the following is an email i just sent to my good pal and ex-roommate from 2000-01 heather, who happens to be a fabulous girl, and whom i expect i will probably be spending a large majority of my weekends with this summer chuckling it up. i thought it was pretty funny. you, on the other hand, will probably think "gee... michelle is really stretching it for content if she's posting emails on here." but, keep your fingers crossed... installments 3-5 are still coming in the summer job series. not like anyone's holding their breath... but whatever. my summer jobs got more interesting and more fun. well, for the most part. 25 cool points for anyone who can guess where i was summer 2000.


"Heather...

I have a few things to say:

a) You need to check your email more often.

b) I thought you knew I was coming... but then again, I'm a terrible emailer... but, yeah, I'm coming to Ontario. Isn't that exciting?

c) My birthday is May 5th. That's weird my brother couldn't hear you when you called. You should phone again. :)

d) As if, Lizzy Maguire and From Justin to Kelly won't even be on video this summer. We can, however, go and see them in the theatre.

e) I'm not going to get West Nile this summer, am I?

f) Point "f" had to be deleted due to security reasons.

g) I saw a squirrel yesterday making a nest with stuffing from an old sleeping back that is for our dog to sleep in, and it was carrying it partially in it's mouth, and it kept smoothing it down and it looked just like a Santa Squirrel. My Mom is most distressed that I did not get a photograph of it.

h) What are you doing the first weekend in June? Like, I think it's the 6-8th or something like that. Like, I can't believe I just used "like" so many times.

i) Do you have a boyfriend? Or like someone an extreme amount? Because, I couldn't handle that. Like, it would be a good thing, but I couldn't handle it, too many of my friends have extreme likes or boyfriends. And I don't.

j)You get paid to email? All you kids and your office jobs! Why can't I get an office job? Why can't I make the big bucks? Oh yeah, it's because God wants me at camp. Then it can't be a bad thing I guess that I'm not making the big bucks.

k) Holly has promised a multitude of times to come and visit us this summer... so we have to hold her to that.

l) L is the twelfth letter of the alphabet.

m) M is the thirteenth. I always thought it was the best letter as well. You know, both "Michelle" and "May" start with "M."

n) I am really stretching here for more points...

o) I went to a conference once in Winnipeg and I was in break out group "O". Why do I remember this? Well, my theory is, one day, it will come in handy one day.

Yeah, so I can't really think of anything else to write... so that's it for this time. But I love ya and I am excited to see you again.

xoxo,
Michelle

to do

inspired by sara, i have compiled the following, a life's to do list of travelling, sightseeing, educational, and professional goals. it is by no means exhaustive. i still have more dreams. i still have more to add... i just have forgotten them at the moment, or haven't thought of them yet.

* see both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans
* go to Mexico
* get mentioned in a CD's liner notes
* work in the US
* visit Europe
* walk the streets of London
* write a book
* own a house
* finish my Bachelor of Arts degree
* finish my Master's degree
* Go to the Yukon
* Waitress
* Bus across America
* Go to New York City
* Go to New York City again
* See Chicago
* See the painting "Nighthawks"
* Touch a Monet
* See Paul Klee's "Twittering Machine"
* Tour Frank Lloyd Wright's house
* Go to art school
* Go to Briercrest Bible College
* Buy a car
* Exhibit in an art show
* Visit the Louvre
* Bicycle across Western Canada
* Work at a Bible college
* Do the graphic design for a yearbook
* Sing BGVs's for a CD
* Visit Seattle
* Visit California
* Honeymoon in Wisconsin
* Design and sew my wedding dress
* Do graphic design professionally
* Quit procrastinating
* Do youth ministry for a living
* Live in Illinois
* Learn to play the piano well
* Take photographs as a job
* Learn to play guitar
* Pay off my student loans
* Ride a grain train
* Not freak out in a parking garage
* Drive alone
* Drive somewhere more than a block alone
* Get paid for a piece of art
* Visit south-easter Ontario towns of my heritage
* Be a movie extra
* Get my own cat
* Fall in love
* Marry
* Fall more in love
* Raise a family

good work customers

so, if you're shopping at Gap for Seniors any time soon, you will no longer be able to buy some crappy magazines.

"Magazine Racks Purified
Because of customer complaints Wal-Mart announced plans to pull controversial men's magazines (Maxim, Stuff, FHM) from its shelves."
Check out http://reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=reutersEdge&storyID=2714761, or
http://reuters.com/newsArticle.jhtml?type=entertainmentNews&storyID=2694971, and
Time magazine.

yay for those walmart customers who complained.

the summer job series, part 2

Summer of 1999 I got a job working at Kippewa for Girls, a private girls camp located near Monmouth, Maine. I had never worked in the states before, so this was a pretty exciting experience for me at the time.

I took the bus to Maine, with another girl I met in Calgary (we had been given the names and contact information of all the staff previous to arriving at camp so we could make travel arrangements). Altogether, my trip lasted 101 hours... which I would not recommend any sane person do! I did have the wonderful experience of seeing Alberta, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, New York, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, and Maine (and maybe a few other states, I've forgotten now) first hand... but it was a very long and tiring five days of travel. In Chicago my aunt met us at the bus depot, and during our five hour layover she took us home, let us shower, and fed us some delicious salmon burgers that I still remember today. I didn't know the girl that I travelled with previously, but we actually ended up spending the first month counselling together in cabin as well so that was nice. She was into Wicca, so that was interesting to learn about. She was a city girl though, so travelling through Chicago, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia, New York, and Boston's bus depots was not the hair-raising experience to her that it was to me.

There were 140 campers and 70 staff, with 35 staff from Canada, 9 from the USA, and the rest were all from overseas. If you know anything about New England childrens' camps, then you'll know there are literally hundreds of them, with a large majority of them recruiting cheap staff from overseas. It was neat to get to know people from all over the world, and for awhile, I did keep in touch with some of them. But I didn't really form any lasting friendships.

The camp offered it's campers all sorts of arts and crafts, horseback riding, tennis, water skiing, boating, sailing, canoeing, sports, drama, etc. etc. The campers were all very affluent and paid a bundle to be there! Some of the campers were of course snobby like you'd expect them to be, but some were lovely children, and some were very needy children. I remember finding out one of the campers I taught for a couple of weeks lived in a wing of her house with her nanny and only saw her parents usually on holidays.

My job turned out to be a cabin counsellor and arts and crafts instructor. Along with two other counsellors, I co-counselled in a cabin called Fox Haven, with eight campers. Campers were there for a month or two months straight, I had two different groups of four-week campers.

Every week I got to teach different arts and crafts, but usually I taught sewing and painting, and depending on the weekn, sometimes I also taught stained glass, beadwork, jewellry making, leatherwork, ceramics, pottery-making, and various paper and kids' crafts. Arts and crafts counsellors got to use pretty much whatever they wanted for crafts supplies, so I did a few paintings that summer that I still love, and also got to explore the medium of stained glass.

The campers at this camp were primarily Jewish, but not religious Jewish... so that was an interesting experience. Some of my cabin campers were very curious about the Bible and Christianity, so that was neat. Sometimes, I still get an email from a couple of them every once in awhile.

The camp grounds were beautiful, on a big lake, with 20 something cabins, all different. I had hoped to be in one with a porch or fireplace, but instead I ended up with one of the larger cabins with no porch or fireplace, but that turned out to be okay. All of the cabins had their own bathrooms which was nice... a luxury I recommend all camps invest in! ;)

We all had one day a week off, mine was Sundays. I didn't really know any of the other counsellors with Sundays off, except for one, and she left after a couple of weeks. While it was custom to rent or borrow a car for your day off and go to Freeport to go shopping, I usually ended up spending a solitary day off exploring the local Maine countryside by bicycle. I had a lot of fun visiting little antique shops and taking photos of the architechture and nature around the area. There was a lovely little cemetery just down the road from the camp that I liked to explore... there were a lot of neat gravestones, very different from any I had ever seen before, all with interesting sayings on them.

This I took at the shore of the lake at the camp.


I got to see the Atlantic Ocean twice that summer, and the first time was also exactly four years from the date that I saw the Pacific Ocean, so I thought that was kind of neat.

This picture is from one of our day trips to the ocean. I love this photo.

The way home I travelled myself, except for the first leg of the trip from Augusta, Maine, to New York City, which I went with a Polish girl. Once we arrived in New York, we found out that the bus I was to take didn't really exist... but that is another story that thankfully I'm still alive to tell.

What did I learn that summer? Well, it was my first summer away from home, and I was very far from home, the farthest I had ever been. I think I learned more independence, and that friendship is a very valuable thing. I also learned some of the value of prayer, the value of a living faith, and the value of reliance on God to get you through what you never imagined you would experience.

back to the books

sure, it's technically my summer break. but i still have an assignment to finish.

whoever heard of homework over summer break anyways?

oh right. it's my fault. i didn't finish it before leaving school at the end of april.

rats.

the summer job series, part 1

people always say i end up with interesting summer jobs.

my first summer job ever was working at a camp in northern alberta for two weeks as the "craft co-ordinator". it was a rather small camp, with i think maybe 20 campers at the most.

the only running water was in the kitchen shack... and so we "showered" in the creek that went by the camp, and there were a couple of outhouses out back. there were two cabins, one for girls and one for boys. i never went in the boys cabin, but the girls cabin was a huge log building with about thirty single beds with no mattresses (and no one of course had told me this previously to coming to camp, so i didn't have a mattress). there were three "junior counsellors", who all happened to be 14 year old girls. the campers were ages 10-13. there weren't any female senior counsellors.

once i arrived at camp, i had the job of spontaeously planning all the crafts using a big box of miscellaneous crud that they had... we made some interesting mud flags that i found in an ideas book. not one of those camp crafts you cherish!

there really wasn't anything else interesting about this job really. but it was my first summer job, and so it starts the series.

yeah

so i get on msn in the morning... and i end up talking to people, and i don't get any blogging done.

but, i do think my comments are working now.

bored dawg?

so, my sidebar has been growing lately, most specifically with entries for the bored? category of random odd web-stuff. so if you're bored, i have tons for you to do! some of them are way cool, and some of them are a little odd. but, hey, it's my blog. :) and hey, if you have any suggestions for more bored links, that's what the comments are for. chuckle chuckle.

so, i have decided lately that i actually kind of like my dog. she's pretty nice, very well behaved. we've had her for... hmm... probably about eight years. since being home, i've taken her for walks to the pond pretty much every day (and she doesn't require a leash, so that is doubley-nice). today though, we went to the pond and then out in the pasture, which is fairly big. halfway back, she decided we needed to plop down, so i sat down beside her, and then she decided it was time for a dog snuggle. now, for sure, i'm not a big dog snuggler. dog's usually have that... um... that dog smell. you know what i mean... grody dog smell. but, jenny actually doesn't smell very dog-ish. that's good. and now that she's decided we're best friends, i am very glad she doesn't smell.

but i just have one question: now that i've decided i actually like my dog, do i have to start liking other peoples' dogs? because that might just be asking too much of me.

Won't you take me by the hand
take me somewhere new
- Avril Lavigne, "I'm With You"

spam/time

i have this little game i play with myself... to see if i can correctly guess how many emails are in my inbox. and, usually, i'm right on the button.

18. since last night.

usually, i can do the same thing with time in the middle of the night... guess right on, or within three minutes.

is this normal? will this one day come in handy for me? should i be including this info on my resume?

idea

so, i am really interested in seeing how this whole blogging world is evolving and changing. sites like who links who and technorati entrall me, because they show how very much ingrained upon ourselves we are... especially as Christians.

we link within our own distinct group... but how often do we venture outside of this group? why do we just create community with ourselves, with our little body of Christ here on the internet?

i did a project this past school year about adolescent webloggers, profiling it as a subculture, etc. part of this project involved a ministry plan for the subculture group.

my paper reasoned that pretty much any online Christian could get involved in ministering to adolescent webloggers... think about it with me for a moment:

blogging is becoming a huge phenomenon, it's getting bigger... more people are starting to blog and discovering blogging every day.

thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of kids, are online every day, writing in their blogs, online journals, diaries, etc...

this adolescents are easy to find online... just do a websearch, check out any blog service provider's recently updated list, etc. etc...

like most (if not all) adolescents, these kids want people to invest in them. they love it when people older than them take the time to become involved in their lives.

some of these kids are Christian, many of them are not.

some of them don't know any one with whom they can dialog with on issues of faith... or life, or whatever.

**

is taking the time to get involved in this something that interests you? do you think that this is something that Christians should even, in fact, be attempting to do? do you do this already? or is it something that doesn't interest you at all? have you thought about it before? do you know someone else who does this?

do you attempt for your own personal blog to be a ministry? why or why not?

i'm interested in your thoughts on this issue (either post comments, or feel free to email me at mikao@briercrest.com if you'd like), i would love to hear what you have to say. and, if you decide to venture out into this type of ministry (is that a proper use of the word even?), whether it be with adolescents or simply with non-Christians of any age, i would love to hear how it goes.

i'm not sure how much blogging i'll be able to do after the end of this month, being at camp i will only have internet access at the most perhaps on some weekends. but this fall, i'll be starting to write my MRRP (ministry related research project, like a thesis, but shorter), and i would like to do something on this topic.

many thanks in advance for your thoughts, i look forward to reading them. :)

ministry?

i've often wondered if i should be blogging more about youth ministry... being in seminary, attempting to complete my master of arts in youth ministry... and some day planning on doing it for a living (maybe?).

but this past year, i always thought, hey, i'm not really doing much ministry. nothing concrete anyways. i'm not working with any youth group.

sure, i hung out with college kids all day long all year. but i'm 25... can i call that ministry?

sure, i intentionally read adolescent kids' blogs, left them comments, interacted with them... but can i call that ministry?

sure, i got to know a lot of people online... but can i call that ministry?

i think a lot of times we underestimate ourselves until God reminds us that we are making a difference... and often that can come through the person telling us so.

thank you Father, for letting me be a part of Your work.

reminder

tomorrow is Mother's Day. don't forget to tell your mother how great she is.

yesterday for lunch, my mom had a wienie roast with me and my brother in the forest by our house. blackey also came, but he just had a bun, he prefers carbs to processed meat products... even when i informed him that our hot dogs contained not only beef, pork, and chicken, but turkey as well! four meats in one hot dog, how can you go wrong with that?

but, you should probably keep in mind, blackey is also the cat whose favourite foods are mcdonald's french fries and pizza crust.

emergence

There are pussy willows outside my window. This is a good thing. There are still no buds on the trees or any sort of leaves in sight, but the grass might be getting green. Or I could be just hoping too badly for any sense of spring.

conversation

Did I tell you yet why I think you are amazing?

I think you are amazing because you have such a wonderful ability to see something and go after it

I admire that in you and wish I had more of that "gusto"

i forgot

i forgot that i got a polaroid joy cam for grad from my friend joanne. i am pumped to use it. i just need to get some film for it. do you call it film when it's for a polaroid?

now i just need a scanner of my own. i'd love to be able to post my pictures more regularly.

but for now, if you never have before, check out some of my photography links on the side bar. let me know what you think. which ones do you like?

: )

dano

i'm wondering if it's this whole new blogger thing that makes my page load funny and the sidebar disappear today. i didn't change the template at all today... so it can't be that. i'm wondering if we're all going to have to change our templates because of dano.

reciprocated love

i have been noticing lately that my blogroll is getting longer... so long in fact that i no longer get to all the blogs i want to read in a day.... grr.

but, it always means so much to me when someone takes the time to invest in my life. and so, without further adieu, i would like to highlight my reciprocated links in alphabetical order... because you all don't know everyone else and because i love you all and if you make a new blog friend, hey, that's cool. :)

carly bishop is a lovely seattle girl i met through comments she left at jason killingsworth's site, both being fans of good writing. carly herself is a great writer, and i love to visit her site for great stories, much humour, and seeing the love that she has for others. i love talking to carly on msn, she always has something interesting to say. i learn a lot from this girl.

richard bott, a United Church of Canada minister in Ontario. richard, i think, is one of the first people who found my site first and linked me up, which was cool. i like to visit looking back... looking forward because he has some interesting thoughts and opinions, and there are often good discussions going on over there.

andrew careaga is the author of a few good books on internet ministry, surf on over to bloggedy blog and check them out. he's often discussing interesting topics over there in relation to this thing we call Christianity, as well as ministry and other assorted stuff. i learn a lot from this blog.

cc somehow found me here in internet land and linked me up from the other side of the world. working in a hospital, cc's site is an interesting read that i love to check out.

sarah drake's site is one i found very early on off of blogger's most recently updated list. i don't visit it as often as i used to, but i like to read of sarah's adventures into learning to teach.

ian dunn found me through kathleen's site, and surfs in regularly from ohio. ian's love for his church is evident in his site and is often a good read. good humour too.

jennifer dungca i found recently following links from blog to blog... and i love her site. she's getting ready to go do missions in spain, so also check out her new site as she prepares. jenn has some really awesome posts and i love stopping by her site.

kathleen haggerty's was the first blog i ever read, way back last may sometime. kathleen is a lovely girl from boston who's in the midst of getting ready for one very important day, so she doesn't post on a regular basis, but she has some very good content, go and check it out, i particularly like this post.

sarah hedges is a lovely woman of God whom i found in my surfing off from tim's site. i love reading sarah's eloquent thoughts, and her archives have some great gems in them.

tim kang was one of the first Christian bloggers that i found, i surfed in off of blogger's most recently updated. tim's site is one where he deals with the tough issues, the rough issues, and it's interesting to see him grow through his blog.

jen kibler-mccabe i have known for ten years now (wow, has it really been that long jenni?), she sent me a postcard way back in 1993 and we corresponded by mail, later by email, and now we're both blogging. she's the reason i know (some) html, the reason why i had my first webpage! jenni's page is a great adventure of topics, from cats to Christianity to being married to her journey to seminary.

i can't remember exactly how i found sara kruszka's page originally, but this michigan girl has a lovely little blog. i love reading about this journey in life that she's taking.

travis mielonen found me off of carly's blog i think, he's another seattle-ite. not afraid to tackle the big topics, travis' blog is a great read. and, he's getting ready for missions in poland soon so it is interesting to read as he gets ready.

michael morgan has a great blog with a wide variety of topics, from work to witnessing to sites of the week. michael's exuberance for seeing others come to Christ is most evident.

rachel is someone who found me here in internet land and visits often (i love your comments rachel!). it's always interesting talking to rachel on msn messenger when it's actually the next day in new zealand... :)

julie row is a california college student getting ready to graduate... interesting read. i think she stops by here often too. :)

sonafid is also a fairly recent addition to my blogroll, i found her during some random surfing from blog to blog. i love reading about her end-of-college and art show adventures, and i look forward to seeing what is in store for her as she moves into the working world... i'll soon be doing the same thing. :)

ryan wiedmaier is the last of the seattle-ites, who also found me off of carly's site. ryan's a great man of God who's been away at Bible college and now is just home for the summer. i look forward to seeing what God has up his sleeve for ryan these next few months. his blog is a great adventuresome read, and he takes the time to invest in people.

wow! that took a lot longer than i thought it would! but, yeah, thanks guys. follow some links. meet some new people. : )

may 13 (dare you to move)

i've been listening to a lot of avril lavigne on my brother's computer. not bad. not that i'd go out and buy it, but it's not bad. a few good lyrics.

and i pretty much never listen to "secular" music. this year i've branched out. first, john mayer. now avril. what's next?

I don't know how to feel,
tomorrow, tomorrow,
I don't know what to say,
tomorrow, tomorrow
Is a different day

It's always been up to you,
It's turning around,
It's up to me,
I'm gonna do what I have to do,
just do

Gimme a lil time,
Leave me alone a little while,
Maybe it's not too late,
not today, today, today, today, today...
- Avril Lavigne, "Tomorrow"

phewffda

well, i finished my papers for Screening Scripture: The Bible in Film, Video, and Television and "xpress-posted" them today... so that's one more class over and done with. this fall i have four courses left to do, the required Spiritual Formation for Ministry, and my MRRP (ministry related research project), and then i have two more that i can pick whatever i want to take. i've been thinking about maybe taking introductory Greek... but i'm not too sure about this one. when i started Bible college, i had no desire to study languages. but now that i just have one semester of seminary left, i'm thinking i might want to take some Greek. but, Greek is a semester long class (all the rest are pretty much one week of 9-5 monday to friday) so i'd have it twice a week i think, i'm not too sure about that. and, Greek would be a lot of work.

so, the jury's still out on what i'll be taking this fall. i still have some time to decide, but i want to get my confirmation fees sent in soon before all the good classes are taken.

this afternoon i went to town with my mom to the laundromat of all places for an exciting time of doing laundry. now, i actually like doing laundry (i've never met anyone else who does, so if you do, let me know, i'm starting a club!), but doing laundry in a laundromat isn't exactly what i'd call a good laundry time. hopefully by the weekend we'll have our water system all back to normal so we won't be making any more trips in to the scary laundromat. :)

guess what i got in the mail yesterday? a cheque for pretty much the same amount that my plane ticket to Ontario cost... so that was pretty cool. yay for God the provider. it was actually my GST rebate from my taxes from 2001... nice to get it in a big lump sum instead of stretched out over the year in four payments. lately i have been blessed with a lot of cheques coming my way... a (small) bursary for volunteering on yearbook all year, a bursary from a church i went to four years ago when i was going to college in Ontario, my tax refund from this year, and Canada pension overpayment from my taxes for two years. all these cheques add up... which is a super duper thing, because i won't be making all that much money working at camp this summer. but, God is a provider when we let Him be. i am hoping that this fall i won't have to take out any more student loans, but i don't know yet if that will be possible, it's not looking like it at the moment. if there is anyone out there perchance, somewhere in internet-land, who would like to contribute to the education of a youth ministry student who's trying to keep her debt down... let me know. ;)

so, yeah... i think that that is enough random thoughts for this post. thanks for reading.

anything but ordinary

Is it enough to love,
is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
- Avril Lavigne

utterly profound

i feel as though i should be writing something interesting here. something deep and meaningful. more of my deep probing thoughts. stuff i'm feeling. stuff i'm learning.

but, i'm just so very.... blah.

and being at home, my internet time is limited. i can't just go on for awhile and write to my heart's content and write whatever and find what i want to find on here. i get interupted a lot. everyone wants to know what i'm doing. and my brother always wants the computer.

so... you get this. instead of something deep and eloquent and magnificent.

but believe me, somewhere, deep down inside, that stuff exists and wants to get out.

lyric

i love music. and i love great lyrics. i have not heard this song, but i like the lyrics, so here they are:

springtime indiana
you are sleeping by my side
here across the miles we ramble
past where the road divides
i wish i could tell you…but i just can’t find the words

i’ve never been good with my thoughts
and even worse with my words
but you read like familiar poetry
that i have never heard
i wish i could tell you…but i just can’t find the words

so let’s move across the ocean
and pitch the tent stakes wide
you be the one to come after me
and i will be your bride
i wish i could tell you…but i just can’t find the words

i am all at once courageous
i am all at once afraid
it came over me like nightfall
like a freight train
i can’t seem to hold it in
but i can’t seem to run away

you came in without notice
and settled all around my heart
took up residence in all the places
that were vacant and dark
i wish i could tell you…but i just can’t find the words

springtime indiana
you are starting to wake
and i am laden with the thoughts
of everything i mean to say
i wish I could tell you...but I just can’t find the words
- Sandra McCracken, "Springtime Indiana"

my birthday

thanks to everyone who sent their birthday greetings to me, i appreciate it!

it is so wonderful to have such friends all over the world. :)

assignment

this is what i'm working on:

"Select a specific ministerial situation (geared to adult, youth or children) and develop a learning program built around Bible in film. Descrive the program, identify your audience, state your learning objectives for the participants, select the films to be used, the rationale for your choices and how you will specifically proceed with each film, i.e. input from teacher (facilitator), follow up activities, other appropriate strategies. 2000-2500 words. (worth 35% of final mark)."

but the internet is a wonderful procrastination tool!

lightly falling

there is a lovely light wet snow light falling, so i went out and took a couple of pictures of jenny frolicking in the lane. jenny, of course, is our border collie dog.

my brother is barbequing (is that how you spell that?) steak for me and him and my dad for supper. my mom is working tonight.

and that is all i have to say.

"might be a quarterlife crisis..."

when my mother was giving birth to me, i think that she probably had no idea that today, twenty-five years later, that it would be a snowy day!

i don't feel this old. am i really? ;)

my twenty-fourth was a great year full of many good times, hard times, learning, living, loving, and unexpected happenings. here's to a great twenty-fifth.

spelling bee

i have decided, definitely, today, that i much prefer living on my own to living at home. It's spelled this way: F-R-E-E-D-O-M.

JOANNE!

sometimes... sometimes... you frustrate me.

and, even if you don't believe me, that's not why i think you should go to maranatha. seriously. i may be a dork the large majority of the time, but that's not why i think you should go to maranatha.

but i'm not going to talk about it on here... because that would be dumb... and my brother reads this.

tomorrow wrote

i've been busy online trying to find a cheap flight to toronto for the 29th of may. the flight i had found a couple of weeks ago is now gone, but i found one for about $25 more that should work.

phewffda.

hopefully someone at camp can pick me up at 11:45pm when my flight gets in.

welcome back kotter winter

when i came back home, there were of course no leaves or buds on the trees, and no green-ness of any kind in site (way up here at 55° 44' N 117° 1' W, 400km northwest of edmonton). i always get two springs when i come home... having experienced spring already in southern saskatchewan, coming home i get a second spring.

but this year, i get four. first, in saskatchewan, all the snow melted and it was lovely at the beginning of april. then, we got a big snowstorm, and it was winter again for a week. then, spring came again.

then, i came home. it was lovely and warm two days ago.

then, i got up this morning, and their was six inches of snow on the ground and everything in sight!

i can not remember ever having snow on my actual birthday, or in may for that matter. i'm hoping the snow is all gone by monday.

i mean, i like snow, i'm just ready for nice weather. again. nice weather that stays for awhile.

welcome to may

jay carlson has the new issue up over at the plug.

i love the beginning of a fresh new month.

resurrgence of michelle

i didn't really watch much tv while at school, and since being home less than 48 hours, i've seen the name michelle used quite a few times... as a character name, in a commercial for a jewellry store (a guy practicing proposing... pretty much all he manages to get out is "michelle"), in a commercial for a car (a traffic cop named michelle leaves her name and number on the parking ticket)...

with this extreme popularity of my name in television as of late, i've come to a few conclusions:

a) i'm getting old...
b) michelle is no longer the popular name you name your daughter, it's the name of all the mothers.
c) us michelles, we're that age. that age we wanted to be as children. some are in college, some are young newlyweds, some are giving birth to their own children.

my birthday is only a few days away. this michelle is turning 25. seems like only yesterday i was still in high school. seems like only yesterday i was starting college. seems like only yesterday... for so many more things, so many more events. i feel like i should have accomplished more by now. shouldn't i be done school? shouldn't i be living on my own permanently? shouldn't i not be at my parents' house for the next month? shouldn't i have an exciting career? shouldn't i have a boyfriend or a fiance or be married? shouldn't i be more "grown up"?

what does this twenty-fifth year hold?

"See! The winter is past;
the rains are over and gone.
Flowers appear on the earth;
the season of singing has come,
the cooing of doves
is heard in our land.
The fig tree forms its early fruit;
the blossoming vines spread their fragrance.
Arise, come, my darling;
my beautiful one, come with me."
- Song of Solomon 2:11-13

back home

i made it home this morning at 6:30am... long trip. i went to Medicine Hat sunday night with some friends and we stayed overnight there, missing the big snowstorm that hit southern Alberta thankfully. Monday we drove to Calgary and saw many many cars in the ditch, and Monday night i took the bus north and arrived home this morning.

my younger sister leaves for the summer tomorrow, so i only got to see her for one day... but one day is better than nothing :)

and just when i awoke this morning, and was still completely groggy and out of it, one of the youth pastors from Renton called... and regretted to inform me that i did not get the job. so, unfortunately, i will not be seeing Seattle this summer. :(

but, this does make my summer plans much clearer, i don't have to make a decision as to which job to take, and i am pretty sure it's God's will that i work back at camp again. so, yes, i will be back in Ontario sometime around May 30th, i still have to get my plane ticket and such but that is when i am supposed to be there. i will be a program director and secret service team leader (the s.s.t. is the group of 14 year olds who do maintenance and work in the kitchen), i'll be doing discipleship and leardership with them... lots of fun stuff. i'm looking forward to it, i am hoping for an awesome summer.

yes, i am dissapointed that i won't be going to renton. i really think that their internship program would be an awesome experience. but working at my camp again will also be an awesome experience. i have the experience of last summer to draw on and improve on. i know what needs to change. i know what i want to improve on. i know the people and love them. i won't be starting from scratch. i'll get to see lots of friends again over the course of the summer.

and i know that God will teach me much. i look forward to seeing that.

farewell/iin a box

i'm sitting on the floor staring up at my computer, which is very far away. this type is very small. there's not much left in my room besides my computer, the contraption it sits on (my desk wasn't big enough, so the monitor has sat on the CPU box and a milk crate for the past 8 months), my stereo, and my bed, and a few miscellaneous things that need packing.

graduation was good, the speeches were interesting, and my friends all handed Dr. Magnus (our president) puzzle pieces of a picture when he handed us our diploma. the picture was of him from the yearbook a couple of years ago when he had just had eye surgery and was wearing an eyepatch, with the caption "Papa Mags: by faith, not by sight."

i said goodbye to many... but some i didn't get to say farewell to.

my job interview was also today, via phone. i think there were 7 or eight people. lots of good questions, and tough questions.

i have no idea if i did okay or not. they asked if i had any questions at the end but i couldn't think of anything... and then as soon as i hung up i was like, gee, i should have asked the one guy how he would have answered the question he asked me. "how would you explain the concept of a realationship with God to someone who was non-Christian and did not have any church background?" another person had asked a clarification question on it too... it was a tough one to answer spur-of-the-moment. now, of course, i've thought about it much more.

i had about a five minute panic attack that i hadn't answered very well... but then i thought, you know, if i'm supposed to get the job, i'll get the job. God knows what He's doing. maybe i'll end up in Washington, maybe i won't. it's in God's hands. there's peace in that.

good thinking stuff. good probing questions. they said they'd phone me on tuesday to let me know what's up and if i've made it to the next step or not. i think they interviewed quite a few people for the two positions.

so, with that, i'm off to pack my computer. off to finish clearing out my room. tomorrow morning i've gotta get up early to move all my crud over to my new house, but then we aren't leaving until the afternoon. we're staying overnight in medicine hat and then i'll take the bus from calgary on monday.

happy trails to me.

in transit(ion)

last night was my graduation banquet. i invited my friends lowana and jodi because my parents didn't come (they came last year, i graduated with an associate of arts last year because i knew both my younger sister and i would be graduating and i knew my parents wouldn't be able to make it to both grads this year).

well, today is my college graduation. i also have a job interview at 5:40pm. then i'm going out for supper with friends, saying many good byes. then i'm packing up the last of my room and vacuuming my entire house. in the morning, i'll be hauling all of my stuff over to my September place of residence, and then leaving for Alberta and my parents' home.

right now i'm sitting in a chair with no desk, my computer is waiting to be packed, but after this, i won't have any internet access for a few days. i'm not sure if i'll get home monday or tuesday, i'm catching a ride to Calgary and then heading north, but i think we're staying in Medicine Hat overnight.

so, you probably won't be hearing from me for awhile, but have a super weekend. here's hoping for a good graduation, a good job interview (could it be on a worse day? ;) ), and good travels.

"The Lord your God is with you;
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
- Zephanaiah 3:17

chuckle chuckle

so my mom phoned me tonight... wondering if i had gotten the job yet. she told me she thinks i should get it and take it because she doesn't want me in the toronto area with SARS around. that made me chuckle, because when i first told her about the other job she was worried about me being in the U.S. because of the war and anti-Canadian sentiment.

best

this afternoon i was in a grad meeting and my youth min prof stopped by the door and mouthed to me that i needed to come and see him in his office when i was done with my meeting. now, this is very strange... because i really don't know my prof all that well, and i couldn't think of anything we'd have to discuss, other than papers or something like that, and i couldn't think of a paper he'd have to discuss.

well, for those of you who've been around awhile, you'll remember back in december that i did an independent study called "adolescent youth culture profile" on adolescent webloggers. all the assignments were based around the youth culture (adolescent webloggers) that we chose to study and infiltrate.

well, i thought my papers were okay. he however, thought it was absolutely fabulous and just loved it, and says it is the best paper he's read in at least a couple of years and went on and on. he loved how i "thought outside the box" of traditional youth cultures.

i must admit, i was pretty surprised to hear that.

i hadn't even talked to him beforehand about what i was planning to do for my independent study... which i was supposed to have. i just went ahead and did my assignments.

he said he was hoping i could come in next week and show him a bit of the weblogging world... but i'm going home on Sunday. i told him i'd email him some stuff. he wants to develop an assignment for a course called Contemporary Youth Issues next January where students are assigned to find a teen online and connect with them via their blog. now that would be an interesting assignment for those who have no idea that the blogging world exists.

i had talked to andrew careaga (an author of internet ministry stuff), about my assignment back just after i had finished it, and sent him a copy, and he got back to me this week asking if he could have permission to quote my paper in his revision of his book "e-vangelism"... so i thought that was pretty cool too. maybe all this internet surfing hasn't been for nothing. joanne says maybe i am a genius after all! :) ha ha.

anyways, i should get off this here internet and do some "real work." real work, of course, consists of packing my room.

have a great afternoon and evening everybody.

interview

so... i had an interview this morning for a youth internship in washington. i think it went okay, they weren't really tough questions, just mostly "what is one thing you would like to communicate to youth this summer most of all?" and "why should we hire you over our other applicants?". it was just me and one of the youth pastors, he asked a few questions, and we arranged a time for on saturday when i can be interviewed via phone with the whole hiring committee. so, saturday, at 4:40pst (seattle time), right after my graduation, i have another job interview.

so, yeah... saturday. another interview.

walk

we actually didn't get to watch the movie in the backyard because my faculty member roommate didn't clear it with the school that she was going to use the projector outside... so, yeah, people just hung out in the backyard and had a campfire and talked and stuff. i, however, really wasn't feeling like hanging out, so i spent a total of about five minutes outside.

did some more packing... my room is bare. there isn't too much left to pack, it's just a matter of fitting it into boxes that are already almost full. i packed all my cd cases. i had to round down to about thirty that i wanted with me for the summer to put in a portable case. i still have to pack all my clothes. i need to decide what i'm going to take for the summer and what i'm going to leave here. i'm kind of hoping that i don't have to pack all the ones that i'm leaving here, that i can just go and put them in my new closet. the only problem is i'm leaving on Sunday and the girl who has been living where i'm going to live isn't leaving until Monday. she has said we can drop off our stuff, but still.

next year my room will be much smaller, and i'll only have one teeny tiny closet and a teeny tiny east facing window (instead of a lovely big south facing one). and, my rent will be tons more expensive. and i'll only have one or two roommates. it'll be different, but i expect it will be good too.

i only have one more semester until i'm done all my classes for my master of arts. what will i do after december? i really have no idea. i'm not sure in the slightest. gosh, i don't even know what i'll be doing in a month for sure.

but Joshua 1:9 tells me, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." i'm so glad and so thankful that we can have confidence in the Lord and can trust him. He will never fail us.

if you can, please pray for me tomorrow morning as i have a job interview at noon. i get nervous about that sort of thing.

it's so nice to be loved. it's so nice to hear that you've been complimented when you weren't even around to hear it.

on the big screen

phewffda, i just finished my paper. but, i still have a few more to go. they're not due until may 7th, but i really don't want to take them home with me on sunday to keep working on.

i've gotten a major chunk of packing done today also, but there is still a lot to go. my walls and ceiling are bare... no more art, no more photographs, no more cool lamps hanging. i need to get as much done as possible before friday, because friday i have a vehicle available to me to cart stuff over to my duplex that i'm living in in the fall, and friday is also the start of all the graduation stuff. friday's the banquet and graduates introduction (we all dress up, walk across the stage, they say stuff about us, etc.), then saturday is the actual graduation ceremony. then i'll have my b.a.

tonight we're showing lilo and stitch in our backyard with a projector onto a big sheet. we've all invited our friends, should be fun. i wonder how many people will show up.

i should go. maybe i can get some more packing done before everyone shows up.

gross

i am attempting to finish up a boring paper, but i just wanted to share with you all that the computer station i am sitting at in the library absolutely reeks.

i hope that this smell doesn't latch on to me.

renton

i have a job interview by phone tomorrow (april 24)at 12noon CST.

pursue me, and alphabet

long day. but today i better realized a few things.

a) i shouldn't think that i should settle.

b) sometimes i really am a dud.

c) i really need to work more on my social interaction skills

d) i really like mcdonald's chicken nuggets.

e) sometimes, really stupid movies get made. and the film industry rips us off by showing them in theatres.

f) i really like photography.

g) job interviews scare me.

h) i have a lot of great people in my life whom i can call "friend."

i) cool pajama pants are a personal shopping weakness for me.

j) i want to sew more.

k) i love the end of the school year when my friends get all philosophical about the year that was... and we have great talks.

l) i don't really like packing.

m)i have some neat stuff.

n) i have too much stuff.

o) sometimes i'm just too vocal about stuff i care about.

p) sometimes i'm just not vocal enough about stuff i should care more about.

q) i'm worthy of being pursued.

r) and somewhere out there is that pursuer...

s) i wonder too often if i know him... and yet i don't pray for him enough.

t) i hate letting people down.

u) only very very seldom do i like being the centre of attention in a large group.

v) flip flops are so comfy.

w) my birthday is in less than two weeks.

x) i don't want to be another year older.

y) sometimes you just have to be silly.

z) zed. it's pronounced ZED. :)

My lover is mine and I am his;
he browses among the lilies.
Until the day breaks
and the shadows flee...
- Song of Songs 2:16, 17a

Hold on
You said
And I held on...
- Plumb, "Go"

things are ending

today i think it struck many of us graduates... next monday we won't be here. in fact, right about now, seven days from now, i'[ll be on a bus somewhere north of clagary.

sad. i don't like leaving school. i miss the people. and i don't like change. but i'm expecting to have a good summer no matter where i end up...

got some homework done this afternoon... about half of a boring boring paper. had supper at a campus home with a bajillion people (didn't die), watched part of "the ten commandments" (yeah... i am putting it off as much as possible! i was going to watch it last week), joanne brought back two rolls of film from moose jaw that she got developed for me (yay! how exciting is it to get pictures developed?), went and talked to some friends for awhile, fiddled around on the interneto for awhile, and now i'm going to bed.

tomorrow what i really need to be doing is a whole lotta homework. what i will be doing instead will be the following: getting up early, showering, cleaning, having lunch with my roommates and a friend, going to a mandatory grad meeting, hopefully pack a bit, do some laundry, go for supper at my friend cory's house, go with cory and beth to regina to a movie, pick up beth's mom from the airport, get back late, chat it up with roommates, and eventually go to bed.

i still have to pack my whole room. i still have to clean my room so it's spic and span. i still have papers to finish.

i'll get it all done... right?


the words that she wants to tell him
she desperately wants to show him

the things she'll confess are so small
to a God who's love is so large...

i'm writing a paper. and it's boring.

entertain me.

starfield lyrics

for those bajillion people out there who keep coming here from search engines looking for starfield lyrics of one type or another.... email me if you can't find them and i'll send them to you. :)

what have i done?

i just might have possibly done the stupidest thing i could have ever done... the return of the plastic owl prank from last semester.

but it was just too good of a chuckle to pass up.

recap

i should be in bed... but i wanted to post this so i'll remember what happened today (well, actually yesterday) in the future. and i really haven't posted anything lately.

i went to the library this afternoon and worked a bit more on the ficticious youth group. signed out a book and the movie the ten commandments because i need to write a paper on it... so that's the plan for tomorrow. watch that and prince of egypt and compare them.

then at supper time i went with holly and we walked two chocolate labs for a girl that we know who was out of town for the day. and i'd just like to say... welp, i'm not a big dog fan. we always had a dog when i was a kid, but it was always a border collie for herding sheep, and you didn't have to walk it. now, i can understand having a nice dog to walk. but these labs were not nice dogs. they've gotta smell everything and pee and poo everywhere, and pull you along. no nice pace with these dogs. and, there's always that... um.... that "dog smell." dogs aren't what i'd call a clean animal for the most part.

now, if you're a dog owner, i'm sorry if i have offended you. i hope you have a clean dog who likes to take a leisurely stroll. that would mean i'd like your dog.

i was not amused being pulled by a running dog and almost falling flat on my face. but, holly was. she thought it was hilarious. that's because her dog was behaving himself.

after we got back, i watched part of "white oleander" with a bunch of people who were over... i'd like to see the whole thing. it was an interesting movie.

then later, holly and i went with our friend, and future my roommate (this fall), jodi, to dairy queen in moose jaw, with her parents, who happen to be in town. they're from montana. i've met them on a number of occassions, they're swell people.

and then joanne, maria and i made Easter eggs for an Easter egg hunt we're holding for the neighbours' little kids tomorrow morning.

how is it, anyways, that eggs and bunnys and peeps became a symbol that the world associates so much with the resurrection day? something for me to ponder as i drift off to sleep so very very late...

ninjas

this is for ryan.

beauty

there is something about the piano, an instrument, but a tool in man’s hands.

softly and quietly, or loud and impetuously… passionately it can be played. Skillfully or poorly.

with graceful hands or pudgy fingers.

with beauty.

ack

umm... the renton people called my references this afternoon. but they haven't called me yet.

just yesterday i was checking out ticket prices for a flight to toronto at the end of may. i almost booked one.

yeah

so i need to have a shower and get dressed and stuff and return a book to the library that was due at 11am (it's from the reserve shelf, you can only take it out for five hours, or overnight)... but i don't want my day to start yet.

and i think i need to get a new email address. i got 17 emails since midnight last night. i don't want the world's smallest digital camera. i don't want to buy generic viagra, for that matter, i don't want to buy any prescriptions online. and "tony", i don't know you... so "hey" as a subject line isn't gonna work on me.

and, for the record, i also don't want to increase the size of anything.

Good Friday

the weight that she holds is too big
her faith she'll confess is too small
the weight that she thinks will hold her
away from a God who loves her

the weight that she wants so badly to flee
the weight that she thinks will hold her
the pain that she holds so deep in her heart
the pain that she thinks will hold her

the love of a God so big
there's nothing we hold
He can't erase

the love that heals us all
the weight of our world is still so small

the words that she wants to tell Him
she wants desperately to show Him
the things she'll confess are so small
to a God who's love is so large
the weight that she wants so badly to flee
the weight that she thinks will hold her
the pain that she holds so deep in her heart
the pain that she thinks will hold her

the love of a God so big
there's nothing we hold
He can't erase

the love that heals us all
the weight of our world is still so small
for Him

the love of a God so big
there's nothing we hold
He can't erase

the love that heals us all
the weight of our world is still so small
the love of a God so big
there's nothing we hold
He can't erase

the love that heals us all
the weight of our world is still so small
for Him

i'm not really sure who wrote this song, it's on our school's 2003 worship cd so i think maybe someone from here wrote it.

the love of a God so big, there's nothing we hold He can't erase.

reliance

i think that this next week is going to be a rough one for me. it'll be stressful and involve a lot of reliance on God to get me through it and keep me lifted up. i would write more on why, but... well, i don't want to. i don't want to write that for the world to see.

and, at the end of the week, next Sunday, i'm leaving school for the summer... not to return until September. i don't like change. i wish we could just keep on and that things didn't have to become different.

i tend to become a very settled person... yet i still yearn for adventure. i like it when things don't change until i make them change. i guess it's when the change is out of my control that i don't appreciate it.

i don't want to leave my friends. i don't want to leave our house and my room never to return again. holly and joanne and tamara are all leaving school for good. it'll be odd without them here. it will be different living somewhere else. but, i did only live in this house for one year, and my old dorm for three and a half before that.

but i am excited to see what the summer holds... what God has in store for me and what lessons He'll teach me. that is always exciting. i'm confident in Him.

Hold on
You said
And I held on
Lay down
Your sweet head
And I laid it down

I said
Tell me
All you have seen
And you gave
Of your life
To bring out my dreams...
- Plumb, "Go"

< 48 hours

joanne: where've you be been all night michelle? talking to guys?

michelle: i only wish.


(i was at the library)

good thoughts

i like this entry over at Say Jay's Speculations.

good thoughts.

and until that day, I must fasten my eyes on my Jesus and dance for Him alone.
- Sarah

thanks!

thanks for all your suggestions guys for michelle's ficticious super-cool youth group, you guys are awesome! i'm busy working on it again tonight in the library (with a few internet surfing breaks inbetween...), but things are looking good. i've got the school year part for the most part done, now i'm working on the summer stuff.

dreams

suzanne got back tonight from her four days on a cruise to the bahamas that she worked on... she brought us all back these bobblehead turtles made out of some kind of nutshells (i think).

i went to moose jaw with rachel, joanne, and holly earlier today. bought a few more groceries to last until next weekend, by the 27th we'll all be gone. well, except for rachel. she's staying for the summer. we got film developed (i got some really good pictures from when we went to the farm last week, and also a few pictures of my room and misscellaneous stuff, nothing terribly fabulous), and went to the scrapbooking store where joanne stocked up. she's planning on making a scrapbook this next week of her years at bbc. i also got a lot of paper... i've been working on my scrapbook this past week. i'm caught up to the beginning of february this year, i'm hoping to get this whole school year up until this week done by sometime next week.

of course, homework should be taking precidence over my scrapbooking hobby... but believe me, my scrapbook is way cool. anyways, i need to get my homework done. that is #1 right now. and next week i'll be big time packing.

jodi and i are supposed to go soon and sign our lease for next year. i don't want to sign a lease. i just want a place to live. and a place to store my stuff for the summer. i don't want to sign any legally binding agreements.

almost

i've been working all evening at the library on a 12-month calendar for michelle's ficticious super-cool youth group that i have to do for a class i took called "Programming Strategies for Effective Youth and Family Ministry." now, i'm not even working with a real youth group, real kids, or real situations. but it's taking me forever. but so far i have the following:

a) Sunday School pretty much every Sunday. between the two ficticious services. different options every three months (i.e. you can pick something like "Acts" for September-November, "Women in the Bible" for December-February, etc.)

b) different small groups ("God at the Mall" food court Bible study once a week; "In Your Living Room" Bible study, and probably one more... have to think of another good one).

c) youth group Friday nights at 7:30pm... games, worship, fellowship, Bible study.

d) monthly leadership meetings.

e) montly outreach projects and activities.

f) a big Christmas play (outreach kind of thing)

g) new year's eve party/ fun night

h) winter retreat over the first weekend of march break.

i) youth and parents retreat over the May long weekend.

j) summer... still to come.

what am i missing? any suggestions?

by request

as per the request of my major stockholder over at blogshares, i have included the following:

a definition
ninja: n. pl. ninja or nin·jas
A member of a class of 14th-century Japanese mercenary agents who were trained in the martial arts and hired for covert operations such as assassination and sabotage.

and as for attack weasels, this guy dave claims to have some, but i couldn't find any anywhere else. i'm not sure exactly to get a hold of my own.

egads!

it's actually quite scary when you do a google search for your own name and find this.

it's down right frightening to know that there are other people out there walking around with my name... who dance with purple wigs.

just for the record

i'm at the library.

doing homework.

shocking, i know.

thought

it really doesn't matter if someone has told you it's true, or if a million people have told you it's true... you actually have to believe that it is true.

in case you were wondering...

there are only until my college graduation, and there are only days until my birthday, and... there are only days until next year.


somehow this makes me think i should be busier, doing more stuff.

moi



since the large majority of you have never met me, this is me (left) and joanne, one of my roommates, in december at the college Christmas banquet



and this is my friend lowana and i sometime this school year.

first rain

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby.
- Langston Hughes

i've got you beat

"Procrastination is from the Latin procrastinatio, formed from the verb procrastinare "to put off for tomorrow," from pro-, "forward" + crastinus, "of tomorrow," from cras, "tomorrow.""

i came to the library tonight to work on my paper comparing textbooks.
i've been here for almost two hours.
my books and binder and disk are sitting on the desk in front of me with my discman.
the books are closed.
they have yet to be opened tonight.
and now i'm going home.

procrastination is my middle name.

Procrastination is the thief of time.
- Edward Young

defeated

i'm almost ready to give up on the new template. i'm no html genius... but this is giving me a headache. i keep getting error 504 messages...

i want a new template. i don't want to use one of blogger's. i want to not spend forever trying to get it to work.

exerpt

i was over at sarah hatter's site tonight and i found this post:

"Expecting anything from people will only lead to great disappointment, wouldn't you say? Hoping that a person says something to you, thinking about them saying it, dreaming of the moment will only speed the disappointment. Anticipation turns to anxiety, which ultimately turns to bitterness once our dreams, our perfect cookie-cutter image of what a person is going to say or do is not fulfilled.

It's not their fault. I expect too much from people, but my expectations are way too extraordinary.

What I Want Him To Say:
"Wow, you're beautiful, just stunning, really."

What He Says:
"Wow, you're really smart."

What I Want Him To Say:
"I dream of taking naps lying next to you, and walking on the beach, and doing cliche couple things that signal to other people how in love we are."

What He Says:
"You're funny."

What I Want Him To Say:
"I have fallen for you. Completely."

What He Says:
"You write well." "

- used by permission, copyright Sarah Hatter Dot Com.

i hearby crown thee...

i should be working on my paper. but instead, i've been fiddling around with my new template. something, however, has gone wrong, and for some reason some of the codes are failing me. luckily however, i have a back up copy from earlier in the day before it started failing. it'll be more work now and i've accomplished nothing in the past hour because of it, but it's better than continuing to try to find the bad code (i've tried... i can't find it) and definitely better than starting afresh. i think somehow my problem is either with the rain or the comments... both have been causing a ruckus on the new template.

so maybe eventually, if i keep procrastinating these next few days, you'll see a new template layout. i am the queen of procrastination, so it's highly likely that you will.

If you just stand beside me
I'll keep you in my life
Tell me how much you love me
And I'll be just fine
Don't be afraid of me
- Plumb, "Boys Don't Cry

return to cinema

this week i'm working unwillingly on my papers for the class i took back at the beginning of march, Screening Scripture:The Bible in Film and Video. there are three assignments... the first is comparing and contrasting two of the films we watched on the Moses and Exodus narrative, one comparing and contrasting the two textbooks we used (T. Barnes' Jesus at the Movies and Stern, Debona, and Jefford's Savior on the Silver Screen), and the third is developing a learning program using the Bible in film for a specific ministerial situation (such as a youth or adult Bible study, etc).

the class was interesting... i just don't want to work on the papers. all my roommates are in exams right now... well, except for suzanne who's in the bahamas until friday. she's got a rough life. ;)

blogshares

i hadn't been to blogshares in awhile, but i noticed a couple of hits coming in lately from there so went over to check things out... my blog finally has value and is available for trading. thanks chad for buying shares. :)

sometimes i wonder

who are you?

someone (IP 68.12.46.183, host ip68-12-46-183.ok.ok.cox.net) has visited my site 15 times between 10am on Sunday and now (almost 1am on Monday). i've only updated just now, so i assume you've been finding something interesting to read in the archives?

i wonder what makes people come back to my page. why do you read it?

there are a few lurkers out there... people who never leave comments. now is the time. :)

you've not been hearing from me today for the following reasons:

a) i've not really got anything rattling around upstairs to write that i would consider blog-worthy.

b) i've been packing (oh, that dreaded end of the school year!)

c) i've been working on a new template.

but i have a question for you... would mikao's world still be mikao's world without raindrops? should the lightly pattering rain cease to exist? it's been raining since october.

so i found this quote on this blog that i surfed to via michaela's blog where i stop by every once in awhile, and i wanted to post it here. i have never heard of andrew osenga before, but i might have to track down his music somewhere.

you said you think that i give up too soon
on the nice girls that i find
- andrew osenga, "beautiful girl"








don't give up on me.

helps

one of my camp friends who happens to be at school here came over tonight and we talked a bit about camp for the summer... i had decided this morning while contemplating rolling out of bed that if i got the internship in washington i'd definitely take it (even though i'm still waiting for my informal phone interview, and none of my references have been called yet, and so the process is a little slower than i had anticipated)... but then talking to my camp friend i got a bit apprehensive about it. does camp need me? would they survive without me? yes, i know they would.

but would i make camp a better place? would i help camp fulfill it's purpose better this summer? is there some reason that i should be there this summer?

those are the answers that i am searching for in prayer tonight. tonight and tomorrow and the next day and most likely the day after that.

i think that one of my main spiritual gifts is helping. facilitating others in ministry. doing the jobs no one else wants to do. making sure things get done. working under whoever's in charge to make sure that everything they don't have time to worry about is still coming together and is still continuing.

is this why i should go back this summer? God, do you want me to go back?

and is this going to change my life forever?

beautiful day

amazing how a beautiful day can start out so utterly terribly horribly. i used to have this book when i was a kid, actually, i probably most likely still have it somewhere, called "alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day." anyways, today started like one of those days, but it didn't end like that. i like redemption.

nothing terribly fabulous happened today... i went out for Greek food with the yearbook staff, i went scrapbooking with holly and rachel, i went to the student families and seminary BBQ with maria, i came back home, scrapbooked some more, watched some tv (it's stanley cup time... i watched my obligatory game for the year!), talked to holly and joanne, fiddled around on the net...

added some new blog links. the more cool blogs i find out there the sadder i am because i don't have time to read them all all the time. i love investing time in relationships with people, but there is only so much time you can give to such relationships.

crudbuckets.

(crudbuckets of course is another of the many words (or so i'm told) in my blog that you might scratch your head at trying to ascertain the meaning of... most i don't even realize are "unique-to-michelle" words. i think i make up words a lot but use them so often i don't realize it, and my friends pick them up and use them too so then they seem even more-so natural... anyways, "crudbuckets" is a term you would use when something is cruddy, when something is not as you would like it to be, when things aren't up to par like you want. used in exclamation).

early mornings

i worked on my scrapbook a bit this afternoon, and then tonight i went with joanne, maria, and my old RD (residence director) carol to a farm to see some lambs.

i'm not really enthralled with farm life, having grown up on cattle and sheep farms it's all "old hat" (what a lame-o phrase), but joanne and maria were pretty excited to see lambs close up. so that was neat. i took lots of pictures, hopefully they turn out neat.

and the other day i borrowed the remote control off the yearbook camera (it's the same as mine just an earlier model) to try out some night shots so i don't get camera shake (your shutter is open longer for night pictures, and if you don't have your camera held completely still, then you end up with fuzzy pictures. a remote control is used to click the picture instead of you holding the camera and pushing the button). i want to see if i can take some good pictures of the chapel when it's lit up at night, and maybe some stars. i've never tried to take star pictures before.

anyway, tomorrow the yearbook staff is going out for greek takeout at this new greek restaurant in moose jaw for lunch which should be interesting… i'm not sure how many are actually coming so it may be just me (the layout editor) and Melissa (the editor) and our advisor (our dean of students), which would be a very weird situation.

and after that i'm going with holly and rachel to this waaaay geeky scrapbooking afternoon workshop thingy. holly has never scrapbooked before, and has made fun of me for the past two years. ha ha, i have successfully converted her. she's going to be a scrapbooking consultant, having her own homebased business within a matter of months, i'm sure of it.

"i always feel like such a blond or something when i'm on farms. they didn't teach us anything in school. please don't tell anyone i thought that the goats were male sheep!"
- maria

wet hair walking around

so today i was awake at 9am, which is highly unusual for me… i mostly just lounged around before noon, listening to my new Plumb cd, and then i finally got up and showered and did my hair (which is a big deal…).

i was thinking about this the other day. in the morning, i shower, comb my hair, put in a little gel so the top isn't frizzy… and go. like go out with it still wet. hey, it dries eventually. but yesterday i was wondering… does anyone else do this? i never notice anyone else with wet hair walking around. but do people notice me with wet hair walking around?

two summers ago when i went down to southern illinois to do my internship for college, i stayed at my aunt and uncle's in chicago for a week beforehand. i can remember my aunt telling me it was improper to go out with wet hair, and that i really should let her buy me a hair dryer. she doesn't have any kids, and her only nieces and nephews are me and my two sisters and brother… and i'm the only one who has ever been to her house… and she always has this compulsion to buy me stuff whenever i go there. but i always feel weird. i don't like people buying me stuff like that.

anyways, i have digressed. she told me it was improper to go out with wet hair. but not even once that summer did i blow dry my hair. and i worked in a church six days a week. i now own a blow dryer, but i have literally used it maybe three times in the past four months, which is a new world record for me.

will i ever be a big hair drying person? i don't think so. not unless i get a job that requires it i suppose. it takes too much time… why waste all that time drying it when it will do it itself anyways? my hair looks better when it dries naturally anyways. blow drying kills your hair.

and in the winter when it's freezing cold outside it's kind of neat to have frozen hair. and for those of you who have never had the experience, when you come inside with frozen hair, it dries super quick after that. very very handy trick to know, trust me.

thai someone

my homework got done and i went out for supper… there were 18 of us celebrating two non-birthdays (anna's is the 28th and mine is may 5th, but i always celebrate my birthday april 11th at school), it was a lot of fun. lots of people i don't normally hang out with and an interesting conglomeration of people.

now i'm not exactly sure, but i do not really think that it was the best thai food that we had, so i do not know if i'm exactly informed enough to make a decision on whether or not i like thai. a few things were good, i'm not sure what any of it was, but then there was some stuff that i really wasn't too fond of. so some day in some big city i'll have to go out for thai to find out if i like it. :)

my friend cory is always really into my school birthday, and this year got me an awesome penguin ice cream scoop that i have wanted for years. awesomeness! now i'll have to buy ice cream.

one of my roommates, one of course who has recently ended up with a boyfriend, asked me if i was getting sick or tired of hearing about other people hooking up and having boyfriends.

my immediate (unsaid) reaction was "no, i'm not sick of it. someone likes me. that's enough for me, to know that someone does."

but is it enough for me to know that? i actually feel bad that i know that, because it wasn't him that decided to share it with me. they're his feelings, why should i know it if he hasn't chosen to tell me?

and it would be so much sweeter if he had chosen to tell me.

but my final thoughts are this. no, i'm not sick of hearing about other people hooking up and having boyfriends. it's normal and natural for people to be in relationship. i am however sick of people having spring fever, of hooking up because the year is ending… of people ditching their other friends for each other and spending every waking moment together or on the phone. it's normal and right to keep friendships when you come into relationship with someone else. sure you have this wonderful new thing, but don't forget about what you had before. your friends are still there.

it happens too much. i hope it doesn't happen to me.

if we ever take a risk and dive in.

so here we are
nothing to lose
so take my hand.
- plumb, "sink n' swim"

busy

i don't have time to really write anything as i have a bunch of homework to get done today before 3:30 when i promised maria i'd teach her to scan and use photoshop a bit...

but i wanted to say that i'm having a good day.

and tonight i'm going out for thai food for the first time in my life... it's my "school birthday" tomorrow and my friend anna's birthday is also soon, so we are celebrating tonight. should be fun. hopefully my fragile stomach can handle it! ;)

one last thing

"From the east I summon a bird of prey;
from a far-off land, a man to fulfill my purpose.
What I have said, I will bring about;
what I have planned, that will I do."
- Isaiah 46:11


i was going to go to bed, but then i thought i would post one last thing today.

i've been really disappointed in my entries lately, wondering how well my thoughts are coming through and what i'm actually sounding like to others.

the last few days have been tough for me. mostly because i try to stay in control of things and worry too much. the low self esteem of my junior high years resurfaces with a vengance and doesn't let go of it's ironclad grip.

but i know the One who holds my future solely in His hand. He's got it under control... i just have a problem letting go and letting Him have the control. i want to be in charge of my future. but why? i know that if i was things would go terribly and nothing would be as it should.

God, I want to give it all to You.
I want You to take my hopes and fears and do with them what You will.
You know my heart.
You know what's best for me.
I don't know what's best.
Help me, Lord, to give you the reigns.
Take my anxious heart Father.
Take my fears and relieve them.
Take my feelings of helplessness.
Help me to let go.
Help me to care for those around me.
Help me to love.
Help me to be loved.
Help me to be vulnerable.
Thank You for Your Love.
Thank You for Your grace.
Thank You for Your unending blessings.
Father, I release it to You.

i wouldn't lie

have been working on homework most of the night, after i got back from a bridal shower for a friend getting married in anchorage may 17th. i wish i could go to the wedding, that would be fun. i've never been to alaska.

i tried for the last half hour to figure out ftp stuff for my new up and coming website... but am at a loss. jenni, i got the updates finally today, and now i have SmartFTP too, but for the life of me i can't figure it out. what exactly am i supposed to do? it keeps telling me that my login info is incorrect, but i'm not sure if i'm logging in to the right thing.... is it as hard to figure out as i think it is? :)

tomorrow is the last college and last seminary chapels of the school year, so if i'm feeling up to it i hope to be able to go to both of them in the morning. it feels so very very weird that the school year is already almost over. i don't have any exams, just assignments to finish before leaving. grad is the 25th and 26th... then i'll have my bachelor of arts degree, and then i can sign my name Michelle Johnston, B.A. how exciting huh? :)

i got plumb's new album, "beautiful lumps of coal" today after having to special order it and wait two weeks for it to come in... but worth the wait. so far i'm loving it. different than her other albums, but still so very very good. i always love her lyrics... always find something in them to relate to. lots of good lyrics to end new posts with how i'm feeling at the moment. the damaging awkwardness... ever so real to me right now.

So what would you say to me
If you could talk to me?
You could ask anything
I wouldn't lie
But you're okay with this
Damaging awkwardness
So I'll just play it safe
And keep it inside.
- Plumb, "Boys Don't Cry"

it's time

it is a beautiful day outside... i had forgotten it could be this nice. the graciousness of the Father's goodness never ceases to amaze me, in the big blessings as well as the small.

pray for me, i have a big week ahead. much homework to do, much thinking to do, many social obligations. and all my references are being contacted, and i'll have phone interviews for a job so very far away.

pray for my anxiousness. my anxiety. attacks that are uncontrollable and sudden, attacks very subliminal and subconscious.

nothing like a feeling of utterly being helpless to wake you up and smack you in the face.

letting go... trusting God.

So here we are
Nothing to lose
So take my hand
We'll jump right in
The waters warm
Its time to live
- Plumb, "Sink n' Swim," from the new album Beautiful Lumps of Coal

avril lavigne said it

with a measure of grace i have submitted my application a day late due to illness for a church youth ministry internship in the state of washington. i think it would be an awesome opportunity for me, and a great experience.

however, getting accepted for the position would also complicate things. i would have to decide between it and another job. i would have to go to another completely new place where i don't know anyone. i would be out of the motherland. i'd be taking a risk.

sometimes i wish things didn't have to be so risky. why does everything have to be so complicated?

ugh

i'm not feeling very super today. it's one of those "everything in me aches today" kind of illnesses. i hope it doesn't last too long. i need to lie back down, go back to bed. i'm supposed to be going in to moose jaw this afternoon to get a present for a bridal shower that's tomorrow... as well as develop some film and take care of some other miscellaneous errands and fun stuff.

but while you're lamenting the fact that i have nothing new interesting to read, check out the licensce plate maker that i found. kind of fun. big time waster too. :)

annoying

although they are really really really really really really really annoying sometimes, i still love my friends. what would i do without them? life would be pretty boring without friends. or would i just have other friends? i suppose the latter would be more probable that the option of not having any friends... how life would be different if i had a completely different group of friends.

i would like to write more, but holly wants to get online and i need to get to bed. i haven't been feeling well all day and i need to get some sleep so i can get up for chapel tomorrow. lowana is leading worship and that is always a real treat. she's one of those people that i think "gosh, how did i luck out and get to be friends with someone this cool?"

He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend.
- Proverbs 22:11

A friend loves at all times...
- Proverbs 17:17a

job app.

i need to get my job application done today. it's almost done, just a few things left to fill out... and my references. i haven't gotten in touch with my references. ugh.

and btw, it's melting. the snow is melting. the hugely immense plethora of snow is melting.

yearbooks

i wanted to post last night but i wasn't able to get the phone line free of roommates before 1am when i finally made it into bed. but, hey, there are five of us who share this one phone line so i think i'm pretty lucky that i get on as often as i do.

this morning i did a speech in front of the entire college chapel, with somewhere around 800 people staring at me. the cheering of my friends was nice :) . i had never really realized before that the speaker really can't see anyone because the spotlights are so bright. anyways, i talked about the yearbook's purpose, the yearbook staff, and introduced the couple that we dedicated the yearbook to this year... about five minutes long. and if you've read back in the archives at all or have been around for awhile, you'll know that public speaking makes me extremely nervous. but hey, i only barfed twice this morning. and once i got up there to speak it wasn't so bad.

we handed out yearbooks afterwards which is always a lot of fun, and so today everyone is everywhere looking at their yearbooks which is a real thrill for me. i love doing the layout. i love having a hand in the way the yearbook comes together. joanne told me it was "so michelle" this year which is kind of neat, but i hope it is more "so bbc". to God be the glory.

um... so... yeah

so remember that post a few weeks ago where i freaked out about boys and people and stuff? it was one of my hardest posts to write, and not one of my favourites. probably my most vulnerable though. but i've been working through my stuff. don't worry. lots of prayer. lots of thinking.

well, yeah... um... yesterday i found out that he thinks "he might kinda be sorta interested," which were his words via a friend.

i don't really know what to think. i'm trusting though that God has it figured out and i don't need to. His plan is bigger and greater than mine.

Oh, the way she he feels about me has changed.
- John Mayer, "My Stupid Mouth"

this phenom

so blogging is catching on, huh? it's "cool." people know what it is. more and more people are blogging. it's getting a little crowded. people are quitting blogging because it's getting too "pop-cultureish."

now there's crud out there like The Apathetic Online Journal Entry Generator, and blogshares.

but blogshares is actually teaching me something.

moving

thanks to the generosity of my friend jenni, mikao's world will eventually be moving to a new domain. i'm still working on getting everything set up to start building my new site and learning how to do it all... but eventually, someday, i'll be somewhere else on the web.

i've been trying to decide whether to just start a new blog. a new chapter. call it something else. get a new layout. start afresh but still link back. hmmm....

oh the possibilities.

i think

i need to rebuild my template from scratch. i keep having things disappear. my old comments quit working properly. my new comments have disappeared now. my nedstats disappeared awhile ago. i tried to reinstall them but it didn't work. whenever i load the page it says "with errors."

either my template is going crazy by it's self, or i have a hacker. but who would want to hack my blog? that would be completely weird.

interviewed

check this out, i'm interviewed's site of the day! leave a note in the comments please if you surfed in off of there.

i did this a couple of weeks ago, i need to take the time to read it again and find out how dorky i sound. what do you think?

i want

i think i'd like to get a polaroid camera. i want a regular one and a joy cam and one of those ones that you can make the little sticker pictures. but i don't really need any of them.

friday night

so it's a typical friday night here at Bible school... me and holly (one of my roommates) are entertaining ourselves with random internet surfing and other miscellaneous stuff... i worked on my new scrapbook for awhile, she's tracing stencils... she phoned her boyfriend, i thought about boys... she talked to her mom on msn, i updated my blog... she called jodi, i called jodi (both times jodi was not home)... you know, generally cool schtuff.

i asked holly if she has anything to tell the world. "um... i don't really. i kind of lead a boring life. that's it. i don't have anything else to say. i'm just going to sit here and continue to trace."

americans do you not like me?

i told my mom that i was maybe thinking about working in the states again. she emailed me back saying my grandmother would have a fit because, as she puts it, she "hears that americans are not being very receptive of canadians at the moment because they are not supporting the war effort with iraq even though it has nothing to do with the regular canadian joe blow."

but she did mention it's my choice. phewffda. i'm 24. i can make my own decisions. i'm glad. ;)

snow update # 2

it's snowing again. two feet wasn't enough i guess. (sigh).