the dark sacred night

i have been spending my last couple of days at home cleaning out my closet full of boxes from when we moved in '97. it is weird to not have a room at home yet still have a lot of stuff.

a few select items i have found while questing to throw out/give away/clean up have included the following:

a) my gym sweatshirt from junior high. i wore this lovely creation every other day during p.e. class for at least two years. this navy sweatshirt was adorned with red patchwork and embroidery all over the front, and at one point, had matching navy blue splash pants with a red heart on the knee. the shirt is moving on to a new home in a second hand clothing store.

b) my high school jewelry collection. this collection includes some real "gems," including the fake gold dancing people earrings i wore on the first day of ninth grade. these i am keeping for the memories, although they shall never grace my ears again.

c) all the books i have ever owned, except for those i have at school with me in Saskatchewan. the large majority are from my voracious reading years of grades 6-8 when i was a big fan of the baby sitter's club (claudia was my favourite, even though she couldn't spell and that drove me nuts), sleepover friends, and sweet valley twins (i liked elizabeth better than jessica, jessica was too prissy). the rest are all painting and drawing technique books, sewing, needlecraft, etc., and a few other odd assorted books in the mix as well. these i shall all be keeping.

d) thirty bucks. yes, that's right. thirty dollars. this was a welcome find. it is going straight to my summer road trip fund. america here i come. : )

e) lots and lots of shoeboxes. my family tends to be voracious shoe box collectors. they are always good for packing though. and putting shoes in.

f) my entire cassette tape collection. the first tape i ever bought was joey lawrence. he was the dumb guy on the tv show "blossom." but boy, could he ever sing... or so i thought.

g) two huge boxes of letters from pen pals. at one point, i had over a hundred pen pals. hey, out on the farm, we made our own fun! even if that included writing letter after letter to people we did not know. i actually did meet a few, and a German pen pal came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks when i was 15, that was neat. today, i have lost touch with about 99% of them but still get the odd letter occasionally from a few of them and emails once in awhile as well. and, just last week i discovered my old pal jenni has a blog of her very own, and i am looking forward to catching up with her in the new year.

and speaking of the new year, i hope everyone out there in my blogland has a great one in illinois, new york, ohio, missouri, ontario, or wherever you may be. enjoy the dark and sacred night.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
- George Weiss and Bob Thiele, "What a Wonderful World"

blogs

a lot of what i do online is reading blogs... which i find pretty interesting most of the time.

for personal interest, i have my regular blogs, many listed on my sidebar to the right. these are people i don't know in real life, but the majority of them post interesting stuff and i like to read it.

the rest of the blogs i read are for research. i am planning on doing my thesis hopefully on something in the area of internet ministry, and if i can figure out how, i'll do it on weblogging. specifically, since i am doing my masters degree in youth and family, in the area of adolescent blogging.

blog postings like this, they are what make my heart beat faster and send my mind to prayer.

scary

i tried to post, and blogger ate it.

but the gist of it was this... i'm not ready for 2003. it sounds so future-ish.

and cool people i know will be spending it in new york city watching the ball drop in real time and not in delayed time after spending all night watchind CBC's new year's specials in their living room in alberta with their brother.

skip to the end

spent the day knitting, went with my brother and dad tonight to rent some movies to watch over the next few days. they are watching "behind enemy lines" right now but i've seen it before and don't feel like sitting in front of the tv at the moment.

my sisters both left this morning as well as my one brother in law too of course. the house is much less rambunctious... is that how you spell that? four siblings and one husband is a lot... what will it be like if we all get married? : )

i went outside this afternoon and tried out my new camera, the Pentax MZ-6 i got for Christmas. there was some lovely thick hoar frost and so hopefully my pictures will be "cool." took a lot of the frost, some of squirrels, a couple of our sheep, one of norah our donkey, jenny (the dog), and later took a couple of my cat blackie inside.

found a cool link today, d film, you can make your own cool movies to send to friends. : ) yay for useless stuff to do online.

think i'll get offline... have spent way too much time online today.

anyone have any cool new year's plans?

'cause everybody wants to know
the way the world is going to go...
- Mukala, "Skip to the End"

what????

this is the lamest entry ever... but i have a question. what is a "desktop theme"? everyone always finds my page searching looking for desktop themes of various sorts, mukala desktop theme, a walk to remember desktop theme, pretty in pink desktop theme, etc.

dream, dream, dream

long day today. was not feeling well so got up late, have a cold and a bit of a sore throat.

i like Christmas holidays because they have no agenda... there is nothing specific that i need to accomplish. i learned how to purl (as in knit and purl) the other day, and today i accomplished the task of learning how to knit cables and spent the day designing a scarf and getting that started. it is turning out pretty nice, and is a lovely shade of light blue.

my housemate rachel called and we had a nice chat despite the constant interruptions of family on both sides of the phoneline, and arranged that i will take the bus down to edmonton and will stay overnight there on the 2nd of january and then we'll drive back to school with a girl from Alaska on the 3rd. we'll be early back but it will be nice to have the house to ourselves and get things in order and settled back in before everyone else gets back. and hopefully i can get a couple of assignments started.

so, yes, nothing too exciting going on in my life these holiday days and that is just fine. : )

btw, december 26th in Canada is called "Boxing Day," it is traditionally the day where you boxed up your leftovers for the poor but has now evolved into Canada's biggest shopping day, similar to the day after Thanksgiving in the US i'm told.

now, for a lovely hymn, wish i could post the music for you. it is a lullaby that lulls me to sleep tonight...

Still, still, still.
The night is cold and chill!
The virgin's tender arms enfolding,
Warm and safe the Christ child holding.
Still, still, still,
The night is cold and chill.

Dream, dream, dream.
He sleeps, the Savior King.
While guardian angels watch beside Him,
Mary tenderly will guide Him.
Dream, dream, dream.
He sleeps, the Savior King.
- Still Still Still, German Hymn

so this is Christmas

another Christmas almost over. it's just after 11pm here in Alberta, but my blogger clock will say it's tomorrow already as it's on Saskatchewan time.

i can't believe it is Christmas Day. seems like last Christmas was not so very long ago. i remember last year thinking that this year i probably wouldn't be home December 25, 2002, yet here i am. i wonder what december 25, 2003 will be like. is this our last big family Christmas? where will i be next december? where will my younger sister and brother be next december? i guess we will only know then.

it was nice to have the whole family home for time together and for a big traditional Christmas dinner... turkey, my mom's good salad with cream dressing, turnips, whipped potatoes, homemade gravy, peas, corn, crabapple jelly, homemade buns, etc. i always find it interesting what people have for their Christmas dinner because there are always such different things that we ourselves consider to be an essential of Christmas while really it is our own family preference and tradition that deems it so.

the "magic of Christmas"... somehow is lost on me this year. how has our Saviour's birth become so morphed and changed over the years?

Oh holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine, oh night, oh night divine
- "Oh Holy Night," traditional Christmas Carol
Words by Chappeau de Roquemaure
Translated by John S. Dwight

Advent

tonight on the way to the Christmas eve service at my parents' church i realized that i am not really ready once again for the birth of Christ this year. but that is what the Advent season is, isn't it, a time of preparation? i don't feel i properly prepared for Christ's coming. to realize once again the gloriousness of God's coming to earth in the form of a little baby, to be born in a stable. the King of kings born in the straw.

the miracle of Christ. the miracle of God's love. how it humbles me.

What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
if I were a wise man, I would do my part.
Yet what I can I give him-- I will give my heart.
- Christina Rosetti, "In The Bleak Midwinter"

feeling

Things never happen like I wish they could
Only in my dreams
I've never been willing to give up my heart
Or let myself believe
But I have been waiting all of my life.
- Jake, "Believer"

"every day is..."

i miss school. i miss my friends. i miss being independent. this makes me think about next year, as in next fall. what will i be doing? what are my goals for 2003? what are God's goals for me for 2003? where will i be exactly one year from now? will i be any further along in life or will i be in exactly the same place? will i have changed? will i be any further along in my walk with God? what new things will i have realized and worked through between now and then? will i be any closer to fulfilling my life goals? will i be in love? am i in love now?

the header of this post is from a song by carolyn arends, called "new year's day." some of the lines go like this:

I buy a lot of diaries
Fill them full of good intentions
Each and every New Year's Eve
I make myself a list
All the things I'm gonna change
Until January 2nd
So this time I'm making one promise

This will be my resolution
Every day is New Year's Day
This will be my resolution
Every day is New Year's Day...

Every day is...
One more chance to start all over
One more chance to change and grow
One more chance to grab a hold of grace
And never let it go.
- Carolyn Arends, "New Year's Day"

realizations

had a long day yesterday, but it was fun. went shopping with my mom, younger sister, and younger brother. this was the first year we actually got to pick out what we wanted for Christmas so that was kind of neat... but some of the fun is gone now that we know most of what we'll be unwrapping on Christmas morning.

my older sister and her husband got here last night, they live about twelve hours away.

so now the whole family is together for Christmas. something about the randomness of it all and the immature behaviour that pervades my siblings makes me thankful that i'm not married yet or have a boyfriend to bring home to this. and that makes me sad. our families should make us happy. sure, it's great to see them, but i wish they would grow up.

random thoughts

- my parents... they're not the only grown-ups anymore, i'm grown-up too.

- i can't live without the passion of God in my life.

- a ring with a story and a history is far better than the world's finest diamond.

- i need new socks.

- i got my scarf back. there are still good samaritans.

- i like being independent. but i also like depending.

- it's okay to not always do what everyone expects. colour outside the lines. live outside the box.

- the best things in life... are they free? grace is free.

- i want to fall in love. or am i in love?

- it's bedtime. a full day of Christmas shopping is ahead.

It's not looking like Christmas, there isn't any snow.

but i can feel it

today i went with my mom to pick up my younger brother edward at his college, it's about two hours from here. i had never been there before and he'll only be there for one more semester, so it was nice to get to see a little bit of "his world."

helped my younger sister decorate the tree once we got back, watched kate & leopold with my dad and sister. i love that movie... i think it's mostly the set that i love though. and the ideal that true love is out there.

I can't see it, but I can feel it.
- a line from both "A Walk to Remember" and "Kate & Leopold."

my beautiful scarf

well, good news, i arrived safely. aren't you glad i'm back to blogging? ; )

my trip was pretty uneventful, a few highlights would include:
a) brandon, the 1 year old who barfed the whole of last night in the seat behind me!
b) the fact that they have added an express bus between calgary and edmonton at the time i need it so i actually get to have lunch before 3:30pm and got to have it at 11am... yay, i didn't have to starve.
c) i didn't have to sit beside any dirty old men like has happened in the past.
d) not all my buses were full so sometimes i got my own seat and a little sleep.
e) i got to see the most wonderful moon-rising i have ever seen... a lovely peach harvest moon over a frozen lake with all purples and blues in the sky, words could never do it justice.
f) hearing many a cellphone conversation (this is not the norm for me, i have only seen one or two cellphones on my campus) this past day, i was immensely thankful that i have never had a lukewarm telephone conversation that i can remember that ended with an unenthusiastic "i love you." its sad, shouldn't love be vibrant and full of life?
g) my luggage arrived with me and not after me.

the low point of my trip would have to be when i got in the car with my mom and my sister at the end of it all and realized that i had forgotten my favourtist scarf ever, the rainbowy one that took me forever to knit myself two winters ago that always gets lots of compliments, yeah, i forgot it on my seat. so i phoned the bus station people at the next bus depot and they said they would look for it but stuff like that usually gets stolen.

so here's hoping there are still good samaritans out there and no one is walking around peace river with one particularly beautiful scarf that someone else really misses.

great rejoicing

it is with great joy i give you the following, my to do list:

1. write culture and adolescent subcultures paper (8 pages)
2. write response to patricia hersch's a tribe apart
3. write 8-10 page paper on adolescent webloggers.
4. develop a 12-15 page ministry strategy
5. finish thesis proposal, 20 pages

so, tonight, at approximately 9:20pm i will be boarding a Canadian Greyhound bus and will travel across the great expanse of land known as Alberta until tomorrow evening at 5:20pm when i will arrive to much excitement for Christmas at home.

it's been interesting to see the jump in traffic on my site lately, both excouraging and exciting. i love the comments you guys leave. i love the fact that the internet facilitates relationships that we would never otherwise have. it's neat to "meet" so many different people and get to know them.

so... i'll be on a bus. think of me when tonight and tomorrow when you are sitting at the safety of your computer desk and i am in the middle of nowhere. : )

gotta go and pack.

he sits beside no one
for fear of conversation
far from the windows and the rain
the bus arrives...
- Sweetsalt, "Camelot"

ha!

although the main search query that leads people to my site continues to be "jason killingsworth," it made me chuckle immensely to find out someone got here by searching for "twenty and never had a boyfriend."

eerie

I find it eerie how we sometimes adapt so quickly, yet at other times the adaptation comes so slowly.

I’ve adapted to having no one around. That doesn’t mean I like it though, I still search for people.

I have taken to adapting by taking breaks on tamara’s bicycle, biking down centre street and all the way around the east side of town and back to our house. I love the feel of the wind in my hair, and the feel of freedom that comes with being totally in control. And I have perfected the art of riding with no hands these past few days.

On our campus is Saskatchewan’s largest auditorium, which happens to be our chapel, which, in a pinch, can seat about 4500 people. Driving west on Canada’s #1 Highway from Moose Jaw you will pass by a little town with a huge illuminated chapel front. And, if it’s Christmas time, the chapel will be illuminated with a huge blue light. I always thought that the blue light was extremely tacky, but these past couple of days riding by in front of the chapel by bike on the road that no one ever uses I am awed every time as I turn the corner and see the hugeness of the whole building and knowing that it is a building built to honour and glorify God. It is an awe-inspiring sight.

I have adapted the monotony of time by moving to work in the living room on holly’s laptop instead of working in my room on my desktop. I like facing the street and seeing the Christmas lights across the street on all the houses. I like seeing people pass by.

I have adapted to cooking for just me. But I much prefer cooking for more than just me. I remember someone saying on a blog entry that I read a couple of weeks ago that there was no way that they could remain single with that many good recipes in their arsenal. I hope that’s true! : )

Right now I am in the living room typing this when I should be doing homework but I needed a break. Will post this to blogger later when I go back upstairs. I’m listening to robert’s concert on CD turned up loud on the stereo in my room as we haven’t one in the living room. It’s piano, playing The Deep Deep Love of Jesus. We have a big stairwell in the entry way with lofty ceilings and the sound is echoing deep and reverberating off the walls… eerie, but also beautiful.

Oh the deep deep
Love of Jesus
Vast,
unmeasured,
boundless,
free.
- The Deep Deep Love of Jesus, hymn

question

is colorado nice? would i want to live there for a year?

ugh

well, i don't think i'll be leaving until at least wednesday night. i still have a lot of work to do. this makes me frustrated. i have been doing work pretty much straight since saturday. i want to go home and have Christmas and see my family.

I once believed if I loved others then they would love me, too
But I've seen that isn't always so.
- Ginny Owens, "Run to You"

update

my to do list as it now stands:
1. write culture and adolescent subcultures paper
2. write response to patricia hersch's a tribe apart, fawcett books, 1998 (working on it)
3. write 8-10 page paper on adolescent webloggers.
4. develop a 12-15 page ministry strategy
5. finish thesis proposal, 12 out of 20 pages currently written

oh dear

i just got a good laugh out of the fact that someone surfed in here searching for "a&w chubby chicken theme song."

have been reading patricia hersch's book "a tribe apart," which i have read before but have to read for two separate classes now. it is an interesting look into the adolescents of my generation.

went to the library for about 45 minutes this afternoon to break up the monotony of my day, did not see too many people and definitely not anyone i wanted to see. i took holly's laptop into the living room and worked off that all afternoon... a little change of scenery. it was nice to be able to watch people walking by our house the whole time and realize that yes, there is still a thriving community despite the fact all the college and seminary students have pretty much left.

did something today that i have never done in my life before... i drove alone. i took the joe's place ministry car that usually lives in our garage for students to use to the service station around the corner and down the street. and... it was illegal because i don't have my full liscence and am not allowed to drive alone. i've never done anything illegal before.

and tim especially, you will be relieved to know, that excitement of all excitements, i got my first real full-fledged credit card in the mail today, not just a store credit card, but a mastercard. and not just any mastercard, a molson canadian mastercard. molson canadian is, for those of you unaware, a beer company. kind of ironic that someone who has never drank and never plans to gets one of these for a credit card huh? chuckle chuckle.

"'Cause love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Love is different than you think."
- Caedmon's Call, "Love is Different"

100 things about me

1. I am 24 years old but I wish people didn't define me by age.

2. I've lived in 4 provinces and 1 territory in Canada, and 2 U.S. states.

3. I went to art school before starting Bible college.

4. I'm have not been a legal resident of any province since 1997.

5. I am enthralled with the colour of grass.

6. I like to wear chopsticks and paintbrushes in my hair.

7. I have a picture on my desk of me and my two sisters from when I was 8.

8. I used to go to my Gramma's for a week or two every summer growing up.

9. I became a Christian at age 13 after going to a youth retreat in the winter.

10. I love cherries. Eating them and decorating with cherry stuff.

11. I bought a Japanese action figure in a Mexican market.

12. the first music I ever bought was a cassette tape of Joey Lawrence.

13. I have an older sister, a younger sister, and a younger brother.

14. I never spend dimes, they go into my "so we can do something fun once we're married" fund.

15. I always wear a ring on my right ring finger, either my college grad ring or my grandmother's from 1937.

16. I still have my baby blanket. It's name is Bucky.

17. My favourite outfit is my light blue corduroy pants and a wool sweater.

18. I have a secret fascination with Glasgow roses.

19. I own three pairs of brown leather mules (shoes).

20. I really like cats but am not particularly fond of dogs.

21. Most of my jewelry I have made out of old jewelry found in my Gramma's attic.

22. I have a box full of cards and notes I have written to my future husband at various points in the past several years.

23. I really like sewing.

24. My bedspread is usually a quilt that I made, but sometimes changes to a fabulous green wool blanket I bought at a second
hand store.

25. I have a particular weakness for iced cappuccinos from Tim Horton's.

26. I will not have my B.A. until April but I'm currently doing graduate studies.

27. I got accepted into Canada's best art school, and I didn't go.

28. I spent a summer as a youth intern in Illinois.

29. I also spent a summer as a waitress at a fish restaurant in Canada's Yukon (beside Alaska).

30. I like to cut the pages out of old books and sew in new ones and make journals.

31. All summer, if I had the choice, I would only ever wear flip flops for shoes if I could.

32. If I were only allowed to choose 1 CD to listen to for the rest of my life, I would pick Jars of Clay's self-titled.

33. I love to read but often don't make enough time to do so.

34. I won a provincial short story writing contest at age 12.

35. My favourite pajamas are men's.

36. I love my navy peacoat.

37. I prefer winter clothes over summer ones.

38. I hate wearing shorts.

39. My favourite weather happens in the autumn.

40. I had over 100 pen pals when I was in high school.

41. I've been layout editor for our college yearbook for three years now.

42. I once wanted to be an actress.

43. I get extremely nervous about public speaking.

44. I lived in the same college dorm for three and a half years and loved it.

45. I get traveler's anxiety.

46. The longest consecutive bus trip I ever took was 98 hours straight.

47. I've been to ten different airports.

48. I've never read everything in the Bible.

49. I worry that I'm not nice enough.

50. People always tell me I'm funny. Never cool or pretty.

51. I kind of like the colour pink.

52. I like "A Walk to Remember"

53. A boy once told me I'm just like Jamie Sullivan. I'm not sure if that is a compliment or not.

54. I punched a boy in the face when we were in grade eleven.

55. I own over 40 sweaters.

56. Most of my high school friends I have not seen since graduation day.

57. I want to be married and have children.

58. I don't have my full driver's license and that embarrasses me.

59. Dark chocolate makes me projectile vomit.

60. I'm allergic to feathers.

61. My favourite college memories are of worship in The Landing.

62. I like poppies.

63. I only wear lavender perfume.

64. My favourite necklace is a pearl inside a silver heart that one of my mom's old boyfriends gave her before she met my dad.

65. I would like to learn to play the piano.

66. I always program my CD player to play at least three songs when I turn off the lights at night.

67. I like stargazing and watching the big dipper.

68. I would like to stand on Antarctica and visit England someday.

69. I like cutting paper and scrap booking and making collages.

70. I have a highly photographic memory.

71. I have Grave's Disease.

72. I still bite my nails.

73. My face is very expressive, especially my eyebrows.

74. I've been told I have great legs, this weirds me out.

75. I wish I could use Adobe Photoshop better.

76. I wouldn't mind being a graphic designer for a living.

77. I have never been kissed.

78. I'm not sure what I'm going to do once I'm finished my Master's degree next December.

79. I'm not sure what I should do next summer.

80. I write down a lot of quotes and file them away on my computer and print them out and make collages in a book.

81. I wonder if I've been in love.

82. I wonder if any guys that I liked have ever liked me.

83. I currently own 49 CDs.

84. I'm not a morning person and I love to sleep in.

85. I once had a severe reaction to a spider bite.

86. I worked at a private Jewish girls' camp as an arts and crafts instructor and a counselor for one summer.

87. I like to keep in touch.

88. I want to name a daughter after my Gramma.

89. I like memorizing people's middle names.

90. I would like to learn how to knit better and crochet.

91. I love bike riding.

92. I like autumn leaves a lot.

93. when I get new music I usually listen to it on constant repeat for about a week straight.

94. my mom was a model, no one ever believes me when I say this.

95. I like finding great vintage wool sweaters.

96. I've been told that I have the gift of discernment.

97. I used to always write with fountain pens.

98. I would really like a good camera.

99. I like what Zephaniah 3:17 says, but my favourite Bible verse always changes.

100. I am excited to see what God has in store for me, because I know it is greater than all I can hope or imagine.

this is the way

i have been writing a paper all afternoon on the characteristics of adolescent webloggers. i was really feeling like i needed real human contact.

thankfully, diana came over for supper and that was fun. i made spaghetti with a tomato-based sauce with celery, onion powder, garlic powder, oregano, basil, pepper, generic spaghetti seasonings (basically all the spaghetti-ish seasonings i could find), and some cut up steak meat. turned out pretty good. am getting pretty low on ingredients.

and here i remain, in a town that is pretty much empty for the holidays stuck in front of my computer typing papers. i feel very alone.

ironically, just down the street and around the corner...

This is the way that I say I need you
This is the way that I say I love you...
- Switchfoot, "Learning to Breathe"

hmmm

my new stats tracker informs me that in the past day i've had visitors view my blog from Canada, the US, Australia, and Brunei. welcome here weary travellers. make yourself at home. i hope i'm not boring.

leave me comments. . . i love comments! i love to know that you've really been here and what you think.

good news for today, i finished my first paper of the week, the reason why i am still here and not at home eating my mother's good cooking and talking to my cats and siblings. i spent all day writing about culture, subcultures, and the world of adolescent webloggers.

michelle's to do list as it now stands:
1. write culture and adolescent subcultures paper
2. write response to patricia hersch's a tribe apart, fawcett books, 1998
3. write 8-10 page paper on adolescent webloggers.
4. develop a 12-15 page ministry strategy
5. finish thesis proposal, 12 out of 20 pages currently written

my goal was to have it all completed by monday night, but i am thinking that that is not so realistic... we'll see. tuesday would be okay too, but i am thinking it might take longer than that. ugh...

have patience, have patience, don't be in such a hurry.
- annoying song that sometimes gets stuck in my head

learning to breathe

completeness can only be found in one place, in the Father.

All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is the way that I say I need You
This is the way that I'm…

Learning to breathe
Learning to crawl
I'm finding that You and You alone
Can break my fall.
- Switchfoot, "Learning to Breathe"

impatience is my foe

so here i am, in my twenty-fourth year, wondering if i am just languidly living out the year or however long it will be waiting for my real life to begin. what if this is my "real life"? does that change things? yes, because I am waiting for better things to happen, but if this is my "real life" then i am waiting for something that will never happen.

my impatience has struck again, one of my worst foes. there is a song that i want to quote but can't remember how it goes, however, it is something about wanting to know right now and not at the end of things how they will go. this is how i am. well, maybe not so much wanting to know what will happen but knowing that something will.

i want to know that i will find love… or even better, that love will find me. i want to know that i will get married. I want to know that I will be loved by a man. I want to know that I will have happiness with my family. I want to know that I don't need to worry about these things and find solace in that.

but, i hope in the promises of God. believing in them is another matter.

such

well, here i am, saturday at noon, by myself. holly left this morning. hopefully i shall get a lot of homework done and maybe some house cleaning as well. and, i have cookie dough i made a few days ago i should bake. but who is going to eat them?

i didn't know this quote was from romeo and juliet.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."
- From Romeo and Juliet - 1595 - Act II. - Scene 2. - Rows: 185

patience

it has been a very long day. i feel exhausted. i am not looking forward to the next couple of days, i will be all alone and i do not make a very good introvert.

Oh Great God
be small enough to hear me now.
- Nichole Nordeman, "Small Enough"

blindfold

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't care
Because you can't just turn it off
And put a blindfold on your heart.
- Caedmon's Call, "Love is Different"

like at the children's playground

why is it that someone can break your heart and not even know it? i want to yell "no fair, no fair" like children at the playground.

'Cause I'm not what you want
No, I'm not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone...
- Caedmon's Call, "What You Want"

ackward

there is very weird weather today... there is absolutely no snow left and it is 5 degrees celcius (41 fahrenheit).

just got back from going to lunch with robert and melissa on the yearbook. ackward.

think i'll have a nap now. everyone is pretty much gone now, everyone will be completely gone from here by tomorrow morning. i should go and get my paper done this afternoon later.

Promise or a dare
I would jump if I knew you'd catch me...
- Jars of Clay, "Five Candles"

reveal

today is the most physically exhausting day i can remember in a long time. but it could be the fact that i got back at 2am this morning and didn't get to sleep until 3am. and i got up at 8am. and worked on yearbook until 3pm.

i had a bit of a nap after that but it wasn't restful. then tonight i went and worked in the library for a bit on my paper, usually i just go to the library to get books and leave and work at home but today i actually did work at the library. congratulations me! : )

went to the dorm and said goodbye to a bunch of people leaving in the morning. said goodbye to kaci who has been visiting the last two days, she was in mozambique for a year as a missionary but is now going back to brazil where she went for language school and met the love of her life. i can remember her being really worried before she left because she had not yet met her husband in north america... but wonder of all wonders, he was waiting to meet her in brazil. : )

God is cool.

precious Lord, reveal your heart to me, you are holy, holy...
- God of Wonders

give

"all to Jesus i surrender, all to him i freely give..." has been going through my head all day, but not the hymn version, a newer updated version that i was listening to a lot in the past few days. i often wonder about this phrase, freely giving all is not an easy thing to do.

closeness

closeness. i think that is one of the things that i most look forward to in marriage. is that selfish? i'm not sure. but always having that someone there, someone who thinks you are grand, loves you more than themself, and totally cares for you is exciting. having another half. being part of a whole. finding that perfect fit. God, i am looking forward to seeing how this all works out. i can only imagine... and no matter how good i can imagine marriage to be, i know that it will be a thousand times better.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord."
- Psalm 130:5, 6a

breath-catching

"Love isn't the tingly sensation you feel when you hold someone's hand for the first time. Love isn't the breath-catching feeling you have when you think someone thinks only of you. True, lasting love comes after struggling together through the hard times, remembering the good times, and having faith that God will help you over one more hill together. Ture love is accepting yourself, with all your strengths and weaknesses, and accepting the other peson in the same way. Rembering that God can fashion anything out of a simple lump of clay, and He can fashion a strong lasting love out of two very different individuals."

that's one of my favourite quotes.

i wear my sunglasses at night...

well... the yearbook is finally done. well, actually, the 48 pages we had to do for now are done, and there are only 32 left for next semester which is super fantastic. last night i was up in the yearbook office with robert and melissa until 2am, and today we were back at 9am, which means that i got less that five hours of sleep. i phoned joanne in BC when i got back at 2, but it was only midnight for her there and i am sure she was still up for hours anyways. but i had cool stuff to tell her.

anyways, we just got done about an hour ago, and i am tired, and i should sleep. but i probably won't until later. i'm a procrastinator.

not many people left here, only holly, rachel, and me. it's getting lonely.

mistaken

did a little updating on my template... was hoping for a new colour scheme before christmas but maybe in the new year sometime when i'm not so busy. but i expect once i go home i'll have lots of time and not much to do so maybe there's still hope.

lullabies make me sleepy, i'm going to bed. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Lay thee down now and rest
May thy slumber be blessed
- Brahm's Lullaby

"there is beauty in the sky…"

slept in this morning much more so than i have for a long time, being languid in the last moments of sleep is ever so lovely. there is something so peaceful about a day that doesn't hurry about you and goes the same pace as you.

worked on yearbook most of the afternoon, then came back to the house just before five to say goodbye to joanne who left for Christmas break… it is hard to believe it is here already. i don't have plans to leave until sometime next week when i have my homework completed. all my roommates will have left by saturday morning, it will be strange being all alone. and, living in a town that exists solely because there is a college here, there won't be many people about either.

tonight i went and read poetry in the library for a bit… and took a little walk and looked at the stars. also went to the dorm to say goodbye to leanne who is leaving tomorrow morning for the holidays, she was my roommate last year.

jodi's birthday is tomorrow and her older sister kaci is coming out from Montana for a couple of days. she was a friend of mine from my first two years of college. It will be nice to see her, she's been in Mozambique for a year as a full time missionary, and i haven't seen her since last december.

Restless and vague as a gray wind
Her heart had grown, she knew not why.
But hurrying to the open door,
Against the verge of western sky

I saw retreating on the hills,
Looming and sinister and black,
The stealthy figure swift and huge
Of One who strode and looked not back.
- Bliss Carman, "The Eavesdropper"

still, still, still

long day, good day… finished my paper… worked on yearbook. going to bed.

"Say you would, say you could
Say you'd come and stop the rain
Say you'd try and hold me tight…
Make me high on lullabies"
- Vanessa Carlton, "Sway"

mission accomplished.

phil. 4:13

i will get my paper done. i will get my paper done.

"I see myself through tainted eyes"

so... i am supposed to be working on my "philosophy of youth ministry" for my essentials of youth and family ministry class that was due last monday but i got an extension until tomorrow, but i am "taking a break" and am surfing the net of course... oh the dangers of having the world piped into your bedroom. i would use it a lot less if my computer was in another room of my house. i think when i have a real house i will have it in another room so it's not so tempting. but after living in dorm for three and a half years i am just used to having all of my worldly possessions in one room.

we worked on yearbook for two hours this afternoon with the hopes of getting it all done, but our yearbook computer is pretty much maxed out to capacity with everything it can store, and it kept sending errors to the printer, and being generally stupid as computers often are, so we get "a break" until tomorrow afternoon at 2pm. so, i have approximately 15 hours left to get this paper done a a few little bitty ones as well. think i can do it? i am doubtful... i am the procrastinator of all procrastinators. i could be the head procrastinator. i could give procrastinating lessons and seminars. except i would put off planning them until the last minute and they wouldn't be any good anyways.

why did i ever start seminary anyways? why did i think graduate studies would be a good idea?

oh yeah, because it's where God led me. huh.

"Tonight I watched the sky
And saw the stars around me
Fiery consellations
It's oh so clear that
You're not silent"
- Mukala, "High"

masquerade

every year my college puts on a Christmas banquet for the students… but each year it subtly changes and morphs in little ways, somehow always remaining the same in essence. i've gone with large groups of friends and small groups of friends, dressed in sunday best and in prom finery. they even called it the "Christmas family dinner" one year in hopes of making it more a family-type celebration as opposed to the feeling of prom-night it had with everyone dressed up. another year theme tables were encouraged and people dressed up as farmers and grinches. this year, once again, it morphed back to women in fancy dresses and men in suits for the most part… and somehow, once again, like every year, we forgot for an evening that this celebration should be about the togetherness that the season of Christ's birth brings, and we got caught up in how we ourselves looked and what our friends were wearing and the person we had an eye on… how did they look, and what we could do afterwards with our friends as an after-banquet activity.

even at Bible college we loose the meaning of the season ever so easily.

"A barren woman can bear a child. A virgin can conceive. The Lord can enter into human history as a child. From a tomb can come resurrection, and the Holy Spirit can empower the church for it's worldwide mission. It is a promise in the future tense: with God nothing is impossible."

"I'm in love, never been so sure of anything
Then again, could be a tumor in my brain
Tricking me into thinking that we were meant to be.
- Caedmon's Call, "Mistake of My Life"

beauty?

i don't think that those of the male gender ever completely realize how exhausting it is wearing a prom-type dress. i can't imagine what a wedding dress must be like. maybe it's easier.

"i have no words"

long day... went and worked on yearbook for a bit, i got up at 10am and by noon i felt like i had been up forever.

major excitement when i opened my mailbox today... i got my first credit card ever. and i'm 24. i think i held out long enough, although i have no plans to ever use it, it's nice to know that i have one! chuckle chuckle.

went to my friend robert's farewell concert tonight, he is moving to nebraska now that he's done college. he plays cello, upright bass, and piano... i had no idea he was such a good piano player. and, he had the concert recorded and we all get free cd's, so that's cool. he did a really nice arrangement of "o come, o come emmanuel," and played some neat lullabies at the end.

i convinced jodi to drive me and joanne there, and then we had another ride with someone who actually wanted to go, but then jodi still wanted to go which i thought was hilarious because she told me i owed her big time for driving me. sometimes my friends stress me out. okay, a lot of the time my friends stress me out.

anyways, it was a good day.

Because I don't know what I want,
But at least I know that much
Now I'm afraid love came right up
And it slapped me in the face, but I did not know."
- Caedmon's Call, "Love is Different"

welcome websurfers

part of what i like so much about the internet is the anonymity of it all, you can chose to reveal yourself and who you are, or you can disguise it. part of what i like(d) about blogger was the fact that i didn't think anyone i knew in the real world would ever read it... but maybe i should remove some of the more personal information about me off of here. but then why would i want to hide anything?

crazy search engines make me chuckle... lately some searches that have brought people here have included:
duckie pretty in pink pictures
battered and bruised women
michelle kao
gramma's attic calgary
michelle branch pictures
michelle thorn pictures
jason killingsworth
world views seminar

so welcome here all you crazy websurfers! sorry you had to stumble upon my humble journal and not what you were looking for.

I love anonymity and I love being noticed
Just the same as anybody else.
- Caedmon's Call, "Ballad of San Francisco

comfortable

it's been few days hasn't it? some days you just don't feel like telling the world what you've been up to.

have been working on yearbook a lot lately, still a lot to do before our deadline on monday. i love doing the layout though, it's very peaceful to me. now that i'm almost done my schooling and will have completed my graduate studies in youth and family ministry a year from now, i somewhat wish I had taken graphic design. i would love to work for a magazine or an ad firm or a book company, i love thinking up a design concept and watching it come together, and finally seeing a completed project. But i know that I am where God wants me to be and doing what i should be doing. i just have no idea where this is all leading me.

tonight i had my old quadmate alisha over for supper, we were in adjoining rooms in our old dorm l.a. (lewis apartments) two years ago. i made roasted chicken and whipped potatoes and carrots, and then an apple dessert wrapped up in a tortilla and baked. it was nice to get the chance to chat with her, i don't often get to see her anymore.

My mom called me tonight with some good news, i got my student loan for next semester, so yay, i can stay in school. Without loans i would not have an education… but once I'm finally done i will be making payments which doesn’t sound so attractive!

then later tonight i went over to the dorm and chatted with leanne and lowana… times like that make me miss living in the dorm a lot. i miss all the great chats and the fact that there are 63 other girls only a door or two away. leanne played me a cornball song she had written on her guitar, and lowana played me some john mayer since i keep hearing all about him on the internet but i had never actually heard him. it was nice… good instrumentals and interesting lyrics. she played me the comfortable love song… although she yelled "dating" over the part where it says "sleeping." chuckle chuckle. : )

plans for tomorrow: go and work on yearbook for a bit, maybe do some homework in the afternoon, some how get to moose jaw in the evening for robert's concert. saturday i'm sure we'll have a yearbook work day and the Christmas banquet is in the evening.

i think next week is the end of what i made a big part of my life. i think it's time.

"And you say, come on
I'm not what you're after
But I know you're not just anyone, anyone

'Cause I'm not what you want
No, I'm not anyone
But if you needed me
Then I could be someone…

The sweet temptation of your elusiveness…

But the lie's always cheaper than the truth
And the lie's all I've ever known of you
So maybe none of this is true."
- Caedmon's Call, "What You Want"

took a week extension on my papers that were all due today... my hope is to get them done by wednesday. i have a lot more homework to do for the 18th and 20th, two more full courses come due then, and the yearbook deadline is soon as well.

christmas banquet is this weekend too. should be fun.

the sculpture, the painting, the sonnet, the song

UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH. i just finished an incredibly long post and then lost it because my computer acted up all funky... but maybe my words weren't what should be said. i don't know.

after a fun day of hanging out today the thought was once again brough to mind that i wish i didn't care so much what other people think of me. i wish i was more carefree with myself. i wish i wasn't afraid to get hurt. i wish i wasn't afraid to love unabashedly.

i want to be a woman known for her tender compassion. i don't naturally express compassion, something i really was not aware of or concerned with until two summers ago when i was a youth ministry intern in illinois. at the end of the summer the youth pastor i was working with told me i had no compassion. i have to admit, i was offended. it's not something you want to hear. i have come to know, since then, however, that it is not that i don't have compassion, i just don't naturally know how to express it. this is something i continue to work on daily and God continues to change in me. thank you Father.

thankfully, he continues to work in me. we're all unfinished pieces of work. we're like that unfinished marble sculpture that the artist continues to pick away at, or the painting that doesn't really look complete, the sonnet not really finished, the song that just doesn't sound right yet and needs more tweeking... because we're God's handiwork and he continues to mold and shape us. let us seek holiness. sometimes the path is rocky and seemingly impassable, uphill both ways, and sometimes it is cobbled or smoothly paven. it's the road that God has created for us, for each of us it's different. i want to be a God follower. i hope that somehow people see Christ in me.

"once i'm gone i cannot look back
i've got to trust this is right
'cause maybe i'm on my way to find you
but maybe i'm gonna make the mistake of my life."
- Caedmon's Call, "Mistake of My Life"

oooooh nooooo

i feel very cruddy today... i am getting sick. this is not good. and, i have a wisdom tooth etching it's way out of my gums as well, and that is not very pleasant. that's why you had yours taken out, remember?

but fortunately, i have some new music to keep me awake.

steven curtis chapman, "declaration"
caedmon's call, "long line of leavers"
switchfoot, "learning to breathe"

"I never did like the word mediocre,
I never wanted it to be said of me"
- Steven Curtis Chapman, "See the Glory"

consumerism is a flame

today i went with my roommate holly and our friend jodi to regina, the thriving metropolis and capital city of saskatchewan, to do a little Christmas shopping. the mall was packed, not very enjoyable. i got a few little presents for my parents... nothing major but what they wanted. i am thankful that they picked cheap things this year because i haven't much $$ this holiday season.

the back of one of the bathroom stall doors in the mall said "every time you submit to consumerism a little part of you dies inside... reclaim the love this season." i find the little protesters of society extremely interesting although not very eloquent.

we also went to value village, which if you have never had the pleasure of going to one, is a huge department store of used clothes and other stuff... which used to gross me out but since becoming a poor student and developing a love for wool sweaters and vintage dishes, i now enjoy. i got a lovely medium blue sweater (not too light, not too dark, a perfect shade) and a fabulous wool blanket that i absolutely adore, it is a beautiful avocadoey kind of green. i love beautiful greens. colours make me excited. is that weird?

i realized a few things today while participating in the mass consumerism that grips our society:

1. i hate the consumerization that has happened because of the twisting of Christ's birth two thousand years ago.

2. i hate it that we feel we have to buy everyone gifts, it's expected, we don't give out of the graciousness of our hearts anymore.

3. listening to someone panting in a song is NOT appealing... especially while shopping beside a guy in the gap... it's all weird and ackward and grody and why is that in a song anyways?

4. i hate parking garages. okay, i actually realized this long ago... parking garages are pretty much my #1 fear in life. i've never parked in one myself and i don't think i would. i am afraid that they will crash down on top of me while i'm in them. i think this stems from a tramatic memory of watching the first world trade centre disaster years ago... and seeing the california earthquakes on tv in my younger years.

5. i really really like amber, but i don't think i could buy if for myself. if you want to tell me you love me, give me an amber heart. i'd melt.

6. beautiful things man has created entrance me... sometimes and often more so than the creations of God. why is this so? when i see beautiful esthetic things, like these wonderful neat little handmade sushi sets i saw today, i am totally in awe. i think this is often a result of my art school training... i appreciate what other people have created. i wish i had this same awe for God's creation. i wish that i was wowed by the awesomeness of his creation more. this breaks my heart.
My mind and ear at times have caught,
From realms beyond our mortal reach,
The utterance of Eternal Thought
Of which all nature is the speech."
- from "Dawn" by Frederick George Scott

...and so that was my shopping adventure. i don't get to go shopping much living in a town of less that 2000 people and me not having a car, so it is always fun to go out into "the real world" and out of "the bubble" that we exist in here.

tonight i went to see my friend candice who is visiting this weekend, and ended up hanging out with a very different conglomeration of people than i normally do, all people i have seen around and heard of before, but not many of them i'd ever really spent time socializing with before. it was neat. i like to step out of my comfort zone of comfortable people every once in awhile... i wish i had the opportunity to do it more often. having been here pretty much for the past 4 years, i think i, like pretty much everyone else, have gotten comfortable with my friends and don't often step outside that envisible box that surrounds my comfortable friends into the area outside the box.

have a lot to do tomorrow, but plan to sneak out of my canopy of homework that enshrouds me to go out with a group of girls for lunch in moose jaw... something i never do and am really looking forward to. these again are girls, well, women actually, that i really never have the chance to hang out with so i am really glad that i am getting the chance to. : )

"Do me a favour
would you tell me when to let go?
'Cause I think I'm holding on
Would you do it for me?
'Cause I'm playing for keeps.
Tell me tomorrow has come
With open arms
If you say it's time to move on
Then I'll stop holding on."
- Switchfoot, "Playing for Keeps"