hmm

this afternoon i proofread joanne's paper for her psychology of adult development course, it was about "quarterlife crisis" and the search for identity that 20-somethings have once they are done college. there was a quote in it from erik erikson that i found interesting, something about how the stage we are in now (the early 20-somethings) is intimacy versus isolation... and how we are afraid to get hurt and that is why we don't find love, that we can't find love until we are willing to get hurt.

and then later tonight joanne asked me why i didn't just make a move instead of waiting for him... and what would i do if he (the guy i am particularly fond of) fell in love with someone else and married them, then would i marry this other guy who likes me (whom i do not like in that particular way). this part of joanne's personality frustrates me. my brain doesn't work that way.

i am not sitting around waiting for someone to ask me out so i can fall in love with them, nor am i going to marry someone just because they like me, oh, i am not sure if this makes sense or not even, but this frustrates me. i can't properly thought process what i am trying to say into words... it's late, i need sleep.

reindeer shortbread

tonight my friend erin came, with her little sister shannon, they are here for the Christmas musical which we shall partake of tomorrow night, and are leaving unfortunately on saturday morning.

erin is one of those people that when i think of her i think "hey, how did i luck out and get to be her friend?" she is very very sweet. whoever marries erin will be one very lucky man.

and, they brought us food... munchies for exam time and goodies like pizza and white cheddar and bagels and cream cheese and Christmas oranges and that premade shortbread cookie dough with reindeer pictures in in. : )

must get to bed, it's after 1am...

star light, star bright,
first star i see tonight...

for who You are

today is a great day:

a) i got a B+ on my lit review for research design class... i did not think it was very good but the prof said my paper is "a great apologetic for the use of the internet today, clear, organized, and written well."

b) i got a transfer analysis in my student box notifying me that after this semester i only have 12 credits left until i have my masters... oh my gosh.

c) i got a care card from a boy telling me i'm awesome.

"For who You are
You're the Great I Am
For who You are
You're the Son of man
For who You are
I am who I am."
- Caedmon's Call, "Who You Are"

speechless

i was told by a boy today that he thinks of me as a woman of virtue… and not knowing exactly what it meant i looked it up in a thesaurus. some synonyms include asset, good quality , good feature, desirable quality, good value, good worth, high merit, high caliber.

how do you take a compliment that leaves you speechless?

i would jump if

(typed this last night but never got it posted)
another good day… i like good days. went to chapel this morning (tuesdays we have chapel for the high school, college, and seminary all together), it was a good message on thankfulness, awesome worship afterwards as well.

sat in the bean afterwards for an hour with jodi and carol (my old residence director from college) and a freshman girl from california, and just chatted which was nice. carol had just been to montreal last week and had some pictures so it was neat to see those. carol has grown a lot in the three years i've known her.

worked on some homework this afternoon, my powerpoint presentation is looking pretty good, I just need to add some more substance and a few more graphics and can call it done. Then I need to work on some handouts and notes to go along with it. we never actually have to give the presentation, just hand it all in ready to go.

worked on yearbook for about three hours, got all the layouts for the student photographs set up, 16 pages and almost 800 pictures. typed in all the names but need to go over them and correct spelling errors and such. that is a big chunk of work done though, that makes me happy. : )

came home and had a nice house supper, we have not done that in awhile. There are still remains of the Christmas party everywhere, but no one is seeming to mind so we are just leaving it for now until someone or all of us get the ambition to deal with it i suppose.

went to the library and read poetry tonight… have not done that for a long time and it was most enjoyable. David Helwig. Emily Dickinson. Bliss Carman. found a great treasury from the 1930s with neat woodcut illustrations. every day I miss art, it feels so go to get back to it. "I tint the dawn with crimson, I tinge the sea with blue, My track is in the desert, My trail is in the dew." From "earth voices," Bliss Carman.

and, in other news, a boy told me i was wonderful today.


A promise or a dare
I would jump if I knew you'd catch me
Staring over the edge
I can't tell if you'll be here for me
I close my eyes and make a wish
Turn out the lights and take a breath
- Jars of Clay, "Five Candles"

chats with chums

i had a great day yesterday, actually got some homework done. am working on a powerpoint presentation entitled "Lessons from the Master: The Incarnational Ministry of Jesus, Lessons from the Gospel of John". i've never used powerpoint before, and it is turning out alright so that is good. :)

my good chum carolyn that i shared a cabin while we both worked at camp this summer called, and we had a great chat. i miss her a lot, i wish i lived closer. she says she's going to start taking up a collection for my plane ticket so i can come to the camp staff reunion the week after Christmas. : ) that would be sweet if that really happened! i have been really bummed out about Christmas break lately, i feel as though i have nothing to do.

my friend erin also called, she went to college here two years ago and lives a couple of hours away. she's coming thursday night and staying until saturday morning, so that should be really fun. and saturday i'm going shopping with jodi and holly in regina so that should be fun too, i haven't really been shopping since the summer and we will have a chance to spend some quality time together and do some Christmas shopping as well.

at about midnight last night, rachel, holly, joanne, tamara, tony, and i were sitting in the dining room all talking and then my chair broke... very funny but now we are less one chair! chuckle chuckle.

well, i should probably best get off the internet and do some more homework and maybe go and work on yearbook a bit although i am avoiding it this week...

"Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow from within him."
- John 7:38

a few template changes

I'd walk a thousand miles

i like this song, and i know that i'll be saying it soon. i wish sometimes that transportation was never invented because then people would never move away or leave. would our lives be more constant? would our lives be simpler and less complicated? sometimes i think so, but sometimes i know that, no, it would not be so.

it's always times like these when I think of you
and I wonder if you ever think of me
'cause everything's so wrong and I don't belong
living in your precious memory
cuz I need you
and I miss you
and now I wonder...
oh 'cause you know I'd walk a thousand miles
if I could just see you tonight
I, I don't wanna let you know
I, I drown in your memory
I, I don't wanna let this go
I, I don't ...
- Vanessa Carlton - A Thousand Miles

i don't like it when people don't personalize their blog layouts.

like mike

and jess

and her

blowing, blustery

this morning there is a blowing and blustery day going outside, bringing to an end the uncovered ground once again. it looks cold and bitter out, and i am faced with decided whether or not to actually venture out today. saturday was actually the first day i did not leave my house at all, but that was because of busyness, and today would be because of stubborness.

do i or do i not? a strange and twisted metaphor.

"I'm not particularly concerned with whether or not you like me, because I... I live to like you, and, and I can't like you anymore."
- Duckie, Pretty In Pink

on communion

this is not very eloquent, but i have been wondering lately, why is it we never celebrate communion at a meal? why is it always in a church service? did Jesus do communion at a church service?

for awhile i was noticing it was in vogue to do communion services at the churches i was going to where you had to walk up to the servers and get your bread and grape juice... but then we have gone back to the passing around. and sometimes it is "cool" to do the dipping of the bread, but then we go back to the little cups. when i was interning at a (free methodist) church in illinois i can remember having to ask what the kneeling benches were for at the front of the church because i had never seen them before (i've only ever seen one methodist church in Canada that i can recall).

each church has a different "proper" way of serving communion, but in fact it is merely tradition. why is it that we so impose our traditions on something like this? we do not do it the way Jesus did, but our eyes are blind. but does it really matter?

breathe on

my day began with church, as oft sundays do, communion sunday, and a sunday with a mass choir as well, which I always enjoy. there is something almost magical and definitely spiritual about voices in unison giving praise.

after church our house was in a mad rush to get ready for our Christmas party, and we finished in time to pray which was awesome. It is so neat and humbling to live in an environment where we can give a party in God's honour and give it over and up to him. : )

numbers tallied, we had about sixty-five people come through, some stayed for a half hour, and some stayed the whole time. we tried to guess who would be the first to show up, and i made a farce guess because i think that deep down i really knew who it would be. he was the first to arrive and the last to leave, about forty-five minutes after everyone else… i am trying not to over-analyze it, although my friends are not helping.

awkward conversation plagues me, although not so much as it once did. free me Father.

i went to 'surrender' tonight, which is our sunday night church service, held in a place we call the landing, a building that was originally built as a theatre and dance hall during the 1940s when our little town was not yet a town and was an army base to train soldiers for war. i love the landing, even though it is not as beautiful as I am sure it once was, it's history enthralls me. how many words of love have been exchanged within it's walls? and now from it we adore and praise our Father. my first week of college the evenings we spent after sessions of orientation in praise and worship, and these shall always be some of my favorite memories. I often think the landing would be a wonderful place to be wed.

after worship i went to a surprise party for my friend cory, and left early though because I am tired and should toddle off to bed. today was a good day, a nice chance to see many friends not often seen and meet new people (friends of roommates) and share times together with people i love. thank you Jesus.

fall on me
ever so gently…
breathe on, breathe on
these dry bones, these dry bones
and break these chains

millions and millions and millions of cookies

i just finished making cookies, from 11:00am to 4:00pm, sugar cookies and gingerbread, as fast as the oven could churn them out. now our front living room is covered in a mass of plates of festive cookies. i did not know baking was such hard work. i cannot imagine what it must be like being a mom and a housewife.

thankfully joanne and kiko are making supper.... mmm.... curry. : )

"i hope these guests are hungry."

space ranger cookies

today, i am very embarassed to say, i bought a jar of mod podge. what is mod podge, you ask? well, mod podge is a kind of glue you use to decoupage, decoupage being smearing an object with glue, covering it with cut outs from magazines or fabric or whatever, and then smearing glue all over the covered object. some examples of decoupage would be the plastic fabric-covered swan on top of the back of your granny's toilet fillet with bobby pins and misscelaneous other granny bathroom stuff, and anything that rosie o'donnell made during the craft part of her ill-fated show.

why did i buy mod podge you ask? well, my desk was in terrible shape, a lovely number gleaned from the student housing furniture co-op at the beginning of september, and i couldn't stand to look at it's sad bashed and battered state any longer. so i got some mod podge, cut up magazines, and covered the fronts of the drawers. i cut out squares and rectangles of solid colour, a mondrian-esque look i suppose... the top drawer is now various shades of green, the second drawer blue, and the bottom one is is now shades of orange and red. the piece of wood above where the chair goes under is shades of beige and tan, and i must say, i quite enjoy that section. the total tackiness of the whole desk may just get to me... i thought perhaps it could pass for funky, but alas, i think i was mistaken. i am considering covering the whole thing in shades of tan and beige because it matches the wood and i think could actually look cool. the only problem is i don't have much time.

there are less than 48 hours until our aforementioned Christmas party... yesterday i made two quadruple batches of chocolate crackles, last week i made two loaves of zucchini bread, yesterday i made some shortbread, and today i made some space ranger cookies (they came out of the better homes and gardens cookbook, they were actually just called ranger cookies but i modified the ingredients so i felt justified in changing the name). kelly made some caramel popcorn today. but other than that, no one has done any cooking or baking for the party. i think that this shall be one very very very busy house tomorrow, not only in the kitchen but also in the rest of the house because we need to clean big time.... this should be interesting. ninety people... in our house.

and, in good news, tomorrow morning, or should i say this morning because it is already well into the a.m., i get to sleep in for the first time all week. whooohoooo. usually i sleep in pretty much every day, but not this week, so is the life of a busy seminary student! ; )

i have no quote for today. i am uninspired.

endless delights

A random and eclectic list of things that bring me delight and for which I am thankful:

- feeling that tingly feeling when I hear a really good song
- Spreading paint across a sheet of paper or on a canvas
- Eating cotton candy
- Colours, especially nice greens
- Completing a layout for yearbook
- Spending time with friends
- Spending time alone
- Reading the Bible
- The sense of freedom that biking gives
- Feeling the wind upon my face and racing through my hair
- Large expanses of prairie and wheatfields
- sunsets and sunrises
- Seeing the Northern Lights illuminate up the expanse of the never-ending sky
- Car rides where it is understood that you don't have to talk, where it is alright just to sit and look out the window and take i all in
- Being loved
- The feeling of satisfaction after watching a really good movie or seeing a really good piece of theatre
- Seeing other people enjoy things, no matter how small or insignificant
- Visiting my Gramma
- Creating little pieces of art out of unexpected things
- Sewing, creating something out of cloth, making something that did not exist before
- Drinking in the richness of good books
- Realizing God's truths
- Laughing
- Listening to those songs that take me back to fond memories of when I first listened to them
- Wool sweaters
- The feeling I get every Christmas Eve
- Picking up with an old friend right where we left off
- Walking or biking in a summer rain
- My cat Blackey
- Spending good times with my three siblings
- Worshipping God
- Reminiscing with old roommates
- Getting dimes in my change
- The scent of laundry dried on the line
- Lying on a blanket in the middle of a field on a sunny summer's day
- Pink fabric
- Knowing what I am doing is what God wants for me to do
- Taking really great photos
- Being complimented, especially when I never expect it
- When guys take the time to make me feel special
- Reading comments left on my blog
- Discovering good things like chai tea and the joy of flip flops in the summer
- Autumn leaves
- Pajama pants that are just a little bit too big
- Cotton button-up shirts
- Pea coats
- Fresh carrots and peas straight from the garden
- Blooming lilies
- The road by our old farm
- Corduroy pants
- Waking up from a dream
- The quilt and pillows on my bed
- friends who take the time to really listen
- Getting a new watercolour paint set
- Not being anxious about the future
- Knowing that God has a perfect plan for me
- The scent of lavender
- Cooking stir frys and pastas and other good things
- Partially realizing the depth of God's love for us, because we never will really understand it
- Walking under a light and lofty blanket of stars
- great conversation
- Seeing that the Big Dipper is wherever I go
- The little surprises of life
- Making collages of poetry and quotes and words
- Writing what I think is a really good poem out of those little word fridge magnets
- Shopping and buying nothing at all
- Trying on prom dresses
- Walking outside on beautiful nights
- Lying in the middle of a really great field of grass and just gazing upwards
- Seeing a harvest moon
- The smell after a rain, the finest over all perfumes
- Cherries
- Fresh raspberries with sugar and cream
- Finding a passage in the Bible that I had forgotten about or did not realize was there
- Making jewelry out of beads from my grandmother's attic
- Visiting with old friends
- Sharing life
- Walking a deserted road
- Meeting people I have never met
- Making postcards to send away
- Getting an email from someone I was just thinking about
- Getting a real letter or package in the mail
- Care cards from my college days
- Road trips with friends
- Shopping alone
- Shopping with another
- My mom picking me up upon my return home
- Having people over for supper
- Dreaming about days to come
- Thinking about all the myriads of possibilities of roads my life could take, knowing that God will lead me down the right one
- Knowing that somewhere, out there, is the one that God has made for me and I for him. May we wait patiently for the delights that are to come.

Our God is a great God...

reckless sense

It is after midnight and my eyes beg me to close them, all the while trying to close themselves. But yet I refuse. Silly me.

Long day, went to Moose Jaw with Rachel and Holly to get baking supplies for our Christmas party this Sunday… which we are beginning to think will be the mother of all Christmas parties, certainly the biggest private non-school sponsored one it town. What were we thinking? The invite list is over 85 people and growing day by day. Certainly not everyone will come, but I think we have ourselves in over our heads. And sure, we can bake a gazillion cookies before Sunday. What, that's only three days away? No problem. Ha ha.

Did not get any homework done today, which is not good since all my assignments for the class I took in the middle of September (Essentials of Youth and Family Ministry) are due December 2. Yes, I will be up all night December 1st.

I have realized too many times this semester that anything I or anyone tell Holly will be repeated to Jodi, and so if we want any personal details of our life, no matter how big or how small, to be repeated and blasted about, hey, we just have to tell Holly. I think this is mostly because Jodi is Holly's only friend at school outside of our household, but still I don't think that she needs to know everything. Jodi was is a friend of mine, but, yeah, I think you know what I mean. Sometimes it is so very very very frustrating. Last night I went with her and a few other people (mixed group of guys/girls) to Subway and I ended up regretting it because it was like hanging with a bunch of teenagers trying to impress each other while I stood like a dork trying to not be annoyed and trying to have a good time but really not being even remotely successful at either endeavor.

I took a girl in the dorm some cookies tonight because she was having a horrible day, and I rode Tamara's bike because I wanted it to be quick. I haven't ridden a bike since before summer… I had forgotten how freeing and invigorating it is. I used to bike all the time in high school, but since college really haven't had the opportunity to much because I've never had a bike here. My freshman year I used to always rent a bike from a friend of mine. Anyways, I ended up going all around town tonight and it was splendid. Saw the Big Dipper (when was the last time I saw it? I don't remember when that was. It has turned a lot since I last did). How can one look at the stars and not believe something Divine has created all this?

I had forgotten that this town has unpaved streets… and very muddy ones at that especially today, I had mud all up the back of my coat and all over my jeans, small sacrifice to pay however for the exhilarating sense of freedom and abandon.

"…let us draw near to God with a sincere heart."
- Hebrews 10:22a

KELLY GOT ENGAGED!

mystery solved

after wondering for some time, i have solved the mystery of where my archives have gone for september and october.... i was doing an msn search for something else...and came across them, tagged onto someone else's blog. they are currently housing themselves at http://pocketlitter.blogspot.com/2002_09_01_mikao_archive.htm and http://pocketlitter.blogspot.com/2002_10_01_mikao_archive.htm.

does anyone know how i can get them back to being attached to my blog???

the lover's in love and the other's run away

last night i watched "indian summer" with joanne, old movie but interesting, and tonight i watched "reality bites" with joanne and rachel and after it was over rachel said "i am sooo glad you get this movie michelle, i watched it with tamara and she didn't get it." and i was like, "geez, what is there not to get?" a commentary on our time.

last night joanne and i put our plastic owl on robert's doorstep as a prank... and tonight we went to get it back, and (insert scary music here)......... it was gone. now i'm going to have to tell him it was us to get it back.

if he hasn't already guessed.

"You say I only hear what I want to
And you say I talk so all the time-so

And I thought what I felt was simple
And I thought that I don't belong
And now that I am leaving
Now I know that I did something wrong cause I missed you
Yeah, I missed you

And you say I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard
I don't pay attention to the distance that you're running or to
Anyone, anywhere
I don't understand if you really care
I'm only hearing negative, no no no-bad

So I turned the radio on I turned the radio up
And this woman was singing my song
The lover's in love and the other's run away
The lover is crying cause the other won't stay"
- Lisa Loeb, "Stay"

bottle of rain

worked on yearbook this afternoon for four hours, mostly just with melissa (the "co-editor"), but robert was there for a little while too. i'm layout editor, so i basically get to decide how everything is going to look. that's the fun part. i also "get to" format all the pictures, scan them, digitally alter them, sort through lists upon lists of names to figure out who we have pictures of and who we don't, etc. funners! : )

joanne and i went to the high school drama production before... i had never gone in four years of living here, but i always heard it was good. the people beside us left after less than ten minutes... and joanne and i left after a little over half an hour. they were good actors.... but the play was terribly boring. is that bad? : [

yesterday i was reminded of a song i used to really like, and i think i still do a lot, rod stewart's "broken arrow." there are some good lines in that song. i'm not really all too sure exactly what the song is intending to mean, i haven't listed to it since junior high or early high school probably. but i am hoping that someday there will be a wonderful guy out there totally in love with me who shows me his love in unique ways. boys, girls melt over unique stuff. or maybe it's just me. i'm not a dozen red roses kind of gal... be creative, a bouquet of lillies or wild daisies shows that you care enough to be original and not just a cookie cutter mold of who everyone thinks you should be.

"Who else is going to bring you a broken arrow
Who else is going to bring you a bottle of rain
There he goes moving across the water
There he goes turning my whole world around
- Rod Stewart, "Broken Arrow"

testing font colour... is this better?

complacency

long day, and now it's almost 2am. went and worked on yearbook for a little while this morning, and got a note to come and work on it tomorrow with everyone for four hours in the afternoon... we don't need five people to work on one computer. oh the frustration.

after supper i went to seminary games night, it was supposed to be a big activity for sem students to get to know each other better, but there were only seven of us there plus the woman whose house it was at, and the seminary dean and his wife. an odd conglomeration of people, but these sorts of things usually are. i got to know the dean better which was kinda nice i suppose.

afterwards, beth and i went to joe's place, which is a drop-in centre ministry for at risk teens in moose jaw. we were there to observe for our class. sometimes i am totally shocked at my complacency for this type of ministry. why don't i want to deal with this kind of ministry? i feel so uncomfortable there. i want to reach out... but my comfort zone resides in the church and camp settings. perhaps there is a reason for this. or perhaps i am just stubborn.

got some potentially bad news about a friend, if it's true and isn't a rumour. much to sort out for tomorrow, i only heard very second or third or fourth hand, so am not sure how much is true and how much isn't.

must get to bed. goodnight.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting" Psalm 139:23, 24

new year's in new york, wouldn't that be nice?

i wish, i wish, i wish... : )

great day

it has been a long day, but a great day. : )

i spent last night polishing my Bible study for this morning and typed up the handout. this morning i woke up at 4:23am and really didn't get much sleep after that, so at 6:45 i got up and showered and did some praying and went over my notes. some people from my class picked me up before class, so i didn't have to walk which was really really really swell, our professor's house (where we have class) is on the other side of town.

my Bible study went surprisingly well, i really wasn't all too nervous which was pretty cool, usually i am so nervous i am ready to hurl. yay God! and i got lots of "well done"s afterwards so that was pretty super too. : ) i will post some of my notes tomorrow if i have time and remember.

and seminary chapel was this morning too, it was different this time. all the chairs were set up in a circle around a rough-hewn cross, and on top of it were two halves of bread and little communion cups. the message was about remembrance and remembering what the cross really was about, and the speaker read Isaiah 53. very interesting service. after chapel we always all have lunch together which is pretty neat.

i snuck out early from lunch to visit with my roommates while they were home from lunch, last week kelly and rachel started coming upstairs from their basement suite to eat with me and joanne and this has been continuing this week which is neat, much community formed in our house last week even though holly and tamara were both gone. hopefully this shall continue.

after lunch i went to the yearbook office to see what could be done, and i ended up putting a lot of backgrounds on pages for the next couple of deadlines and setting up the textboxes for the pages, getting things ready for the addition of the photographs. i love yearbook, it's so much fun. robert showed up when i was almost done and we had an interesting chat. i tried to convince him to go to the college Christmas banquet this year (this is his fifth year here and he's never gone)... but i don't think i was too successful. he's leaving at the end of december because he doesn't need any more credits and very likely has a job in nebraska. i will miss that guy, he's so neat. one of the most giving people i know.

worked on my scrapbook some tonight, got two whole pages done, am trying to get as much possible done because this is my summer scrapbook and i would like to start my one for this school year soon. scrapbooks are such a good memory book. i started last summer and made one during my youth ministry internship in illinois, and then i made one for my last year of college too.

watched "gilmore girls" with holly and joanne, they love that show. i... am not enthralled with it. i'm more interesting in the social perspectives portrayed and the reactions that people have to it.

well, i should get to bed. i've been up forever and plan on going to college chapel tomorrow morning. need to be awake in the morning for that! ; ) i'm planning on taking the day off from homework though since i've been doing so much of it lately, will work some more on my scrapbook, visit with people, and do some more yearbook work. have a great day everyone.

"Great Lord," she said.
"I'm just a simple girl. You say
that I will bring Your Son into the world.
How can I understand this thing You're
going to do?"
"It's not your problem," God replied--
"Cause there's a bigger picture.
You don't have to change the world,
just trust in Me.
I am your creator,
I am working out my plan,
through you,
I will show them I am."
- Ginny Owens, "I Am"

i am so loved

beth and i have to interview parents for our class (youth and family ministry practicum), and so tonight we went to visit with a stay at home mother who has one daughter in grade 11 and one daughter in college. the passion that she has for parenting and mothering really struck me as beautiful.

i did not come from a family with strong Christian convictions, so it was awesome to see how God plays out in this woman's parenting and how passionate she is about instilling godly values and convictions into her children. i had never talked to a Christian parent about parenting before, and it was really eye-opening.

i would have to say that for the majority of my life i really didn't see myself as having children. well, i always thought i would grow up, get married, and have two kids, a son and a daughter. but then i started to think about giving birth when i was older into my teens, and i was so grossed out that i decided not to have kids. but i have learned a lot lately, and one of those things is that God has instilled mothering skills in me, and... i actually want to be a mother which is something that for many years i never thought i would say. friends have really been encouraging me in this area, unbeknownst to them i am sure, they do it so naturally that i know it is God's hand working through them.

but here i am, twentyfour years old, not married, and i've never had a boyfriend. when my mother was my age she had been married for two years and was pregnant. my older sister, at my age, was already married for a year. but there is no doubt in my mind that i should be anywhere else but here at this moment in time. i have no doubt that God made me to be single today. but i know He has a bigger plan for me. someday, that will include a husband. and some day it will include children. it's so awesome to know that God has things under control. i don't have to worry about them. God is so cool. i am so loved.

"You're so good to me..."
- Corey Doak, "End of Summer"

bread and jam for frances

God is so cool. i think that i have learned more in the past week than i have in the past year and... that is cool.

i have learned that God is preparing me for something bigger than i ever even remotely expect.

i have learned that God has given me passions that i didn't know i had.

i have learned that God really does have it under control.

i have learned that these past four years were for a reason, but not the reason i thought they were.

i have learned that i don't know everything i think i know.

i have learned that it's okay if i don't have everything figured out.

i have learned to give the control from myself to to God.

i have learned to not give my friends control over my thoughts and opinions.

i have grown up.

and, i have learned to appreciate jam on toast once again. : )

I sit and watch my friends wave goodbye,
You are deeper than the oceans,
higher than the skies.
Greater than great,
more than i realized.
You are bigger than the heavens
sweeter than a kiss
I'm left to bow at Your greatness."
- Corey Doak, "End of Summer"

i sit here at my desk making shadows in the sunlight with my hands and arms on the backdrop of my door. the beauty of the human form never ceases to amaze me. the mastery of the Father's hand.

"I praise you because I am fearfully and
wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
- Psalm 139:14

i've never driven alone.

"let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt..."
- Colossians 4:6a

"june comes soon and then it's gone"

friends can be so tiring. lately they have taken it upon themselves to all invite themselves over because we have a house and they can't hang out in mixed groups in the dorm (no girls in guys dorms and vice versa), and we do live in the nicest of the student-inhabited houses... but sometimes we need some alone time too.

had fun with joanne and rachel tonight, while joanne made supper (yam fries, pasta with leftover sauce, broccoli with alfredo sauce), rachel worked on her scrapbook and i made Christmas tree ornaments.

we decided to have a "welcome-to-Advent/Chrristmas-party" next sunday, a come and go as you please kind of deal from 2:30-5:30 or so next week, and so made up a list of everyone we want to come... over 80 people so far. this is going to be one packed house if they all show up! : ) we will be baking all week i'm sure to get ready.

three sleeps left until my Bible study morning on Wednesday. still working on it. still working on my thesis lit review as well, it's due tuesday. my goal is to get it over and done with tomorrow as soon as possible.

was looking at some of rachel's old scrapbooks, makes me want to get my summer one done and start on this school year's as soon as i can so i don't forget things. think i might go with a smaller book for the year. loved her summer books.

and looking at scrapbooks about the summer has made me think more about next summer. i want to have an incredible-life-changing summer... but God has control over that. have been doing much praying about such things lately. the future. it has so much potential... but so does today. may i grab hold of these next few weeks and make them unforgettable. Father help me to love unconditionally. may Your will be done. may i be but a tool in Your grand master plan. show me who You want me to be and what You want me to do and where You want me to be.

"all i wanna do is give this life to You..."
- Ginny Owens, "All I Wanna Do"

reflection

my first year of college was spent far away from home in Alberta in a city in Ontario. i took art at a smaller college, while living with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins (a girl, 16, and a boy, 19), having only met my aunt a couple of times very briefly. I hadn't really been away from home before and so it was quite the adventure. i was so excited to be in college and getting to experience new things.

i loved the opportunity to study art full-time, and exploring new mediums was great (i had previously only worked in watercolour and pencil)… so pottery, fibre art (weaving), sculpture, and printmaking were great fun to learn. I was still young in my faith, despite being nineteen and having become a Christian about six years previously. my faith did not really have a chance to be nurtured before college as i attended a dry church with no emphasis on spiritual growth of any sort and had little motivation.

but, while attending that first year of college, I was blessed to be able to attend an evangelical church for the first time with my relatives. my aunt and younger cousin were strong Christians, and it was great getting to know them and going to church with them.

not living in dorm and being in a house very far from campus, i didn't have a lot of friends that year, just a few people from class. only a very few times outside of classes did we ever hang out. it was a hard year. unfortunately my uncle was very controlling and verbally abusive towards his family, and thus towards me as well. i can remember one time being thrilled that a friend called me on a saturday to go out and do something, and he was pretty mad that i was going out. i had never been out on a weekend before, and this was the second semester. everything that I did was subject to his inspection and opinion.

i have never felt so trapped as i did that year. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. while many aspects of that year were deeply educational for me and i learned much spiritually, sometimes i wish i would have never experienced it. i have an extreme fear of men. i have an extremely hard time in situations dealing with men who are older than me, and often times even with guys my own age. i have problems trusting. but i want to trust. i want to be able to love. i have trouble expressing my emotions. i have trouble telling people personal stuff. but no one knows this, i don't tell people this. none of my friends know. none of my family knows.

but God knows. and by his grace he will set me free.

this grudge has gone on for too long
replaying it over in my head
a tighter grip – I've locked my wrist
and now it's getting harder to let go… this I know

can we let these walls fall down?
and render grace
can we let these walls fall down?
bitterness is a weight
- Canyon Bridge, "Let These Walls Fall Down"

i was just looking at random blogs tonight typing in random blogspot addresses (yes, all in the name of research i get to surf through people's blogs, pretty cool huh? i have "met" some extremely interesting people this way). anyways, i typed in this because it's an old screen name of mine, and up popped this quote:

"... count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting..." James 1:2 -6

which i of course thought, gee, maybe i should be paying attention to this. what version is this? i should check.

and the header title of the page also includes one of my favourite verses, so i thought that was extremely neato as well. : )

charitoo

i sit in my cozy room wrapped in the warmth of a wool sweater watching the wind blow the falling snow off the roof of the house next door. there are a few rust-coloured leaves that stubbornly cling to the birch tree outside my window, holding on to the last remnants of autumn.

winter has come.

it is a lovely afternoon, i am taking a little break from working on my Bible study for wednesday, hopefully i can wrap it up for the most part today and work on the outline handout. have a few more books to peruse and pull a few more points out of as well. I am learning some extremely interesting things.

yesterday we had a new roommate move in. her name is amy, she was a student in the college last year but this year is working in moose jaw. she is just here until Christmas break, her roommate in moose jaw bailed on her but she has a new one in january coming. i did not know her before and hadn't talked to her before yesterday, but she seems like a really lovely girl so it should be fun. joanne is lamenting the loss of our office as it's now amy's bedroom, but i think she'll survive for a month and a half without it. later i told lowana that amy had moved in, and she was like "oh, you mean the prettiest girl at briercrest?" and I was like, yup, the prettiest girl at Briercrest is now my housemate. how cool. there are so many people that you see all the time and never get to hang out with and think are neato, amy is one of those.

last night my friend amanda and her husband mike, who were here for college my second year, came to supper along with a couple of other people who knew them in their briercrest days. i hadn't seen her in almost two years so it was nice to have them here. it is amazing to me how some things never change and how consistent people remain, they are often exactly as you remember them. i am always of the opinion that i am constantly changing, never a finished potter's piece, but there are those aspects of our personality that are so strongly constant. often i wish I could meet myself, as i am today and as i was in the past.

then after amanda and mike left, i had lowana, kaia, leanne, and leanne over from the dorm for a sleepover. we watched a movie together with joanne as well, and then we all bedded down in the tv room downstairs and had a good old sleepover just like you remember from grade six. : ) they had a super time which is cool. i never had any friends who lived in houses when i was in college but i always thought that it would be fun to, and I think they think it's fun, so that is neat. I miss living in the dorm though and being just down the hall from them.

well, today i decided to take a day off from homework, which was fabulous but i am not sure if today was such a great day to do so or not. i slept in and had lunch with joanne and kelly, rachel wasn't up yet. i must say that i find it much more manageable living with just three others as opposed to five others. much more harmony too. i have learned much this week. we aren't exactly sure when tamara gets back from california, but holly comes back from ontario on tuesday.

in the afternoon rachel came up and we talked while i was sewing, then later she got her scrapbook and worked on that. i made some little travel cosmetics bags for my two sisters out of fabric i got from my Gramma's attic when i was there visiting this spring. it's all fabrics from dresses that were either hers or my mom's, aunt's, or great-grandmothers, from the 40s, 50s, and 60s. pretty neat i think. one is all blues, another all pinks, and i made a green one the other day too that i think i'll give to my mom maybe. i love sewing, i wish i could do it more often.

i didn't really know rachel at all last year, and we were laughing today at a dinner we were both at last year with a couple of other people and she didn't remember me being one of the other people there. i am so glad that i am getting to know her this year. she is such a WOG (woman of God) and full of so much wisdom. that's cool. we had a good discussion about swearing as she is hoping to overcome it. i've only sworn twice in my life that i know of... so it is interesting for me to discuss something like that. i think we have such a different perspective on it.

and, i have been getting to know joanne so much more this past week. we were very good friends before, but i find that since living together this year in a house i have gotten to know a much different side of her that i didn't know existed. last year in the dorm, and the year before as well, i used to always go and talk with her every night and discuss all our problems, and this year that has changed. now i see her all the time whether we like it or not. it's neat to know her in a different perspective. a lot of the time i miss the way it used to be, but our friendship has moved to a different level and can't really go back.

tuesday night i had a big midlife crisis... or i'm not sure what you'd call it, the whole "what-am-i-doing-in-school-still-will-i-ever-get-a-real-job-i'm-24-will-i-ever-get-married-why-doesn't-anyone-like-me-my-friends-are-annoying-me-why-do-i-always-fall-for-the-wrong-guys-why-can't-i-just-focus-on-God?" kind of freak-outs.

and, lately, i've been stressing out about the future... next week (ugh... how will i ever lead a Bible study with 9 youth pastors?), next semester (should i come back? do i really need to be here? what am i doing trying to get my masters? will i ever even get a real job? where is God leading me? how will i pay for next semester?), and next summer (should i go back to camp? should i go work in nebraska? should i look for another job?).

but God of course, is confronting me to be patient, to be satisfied with where i am. He knows what He's doing. He knows what i need and when i need it. He will get me through this one step at a time.
"Therefore I tell you, do not worrry about your life...do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:25a, 34


"You see my imperfections
Still You say I'm a masterpiece
A marvelous reflection
The image of Yourself in me
You paint with strokes of grace..."
- Ginny Owens, "True Story"

i ran from him in all kinds of ways, guess it was his turn this time...

i found this quote in someone else's blog. weird.

"A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder
Where you're leading me..."
-Ginny Owens, "This Road"

thank you for your comments and for signing my guestmap. : )

this thing called love is an odd and yet strangely ordinary thing, conceived by God. yet for us, so fleeting and often merely temporary. how can we be created in His image, yet experience love this way? maybe it's not true love i'm speaking of… just false love. How i wish false love did not exist, living would be so much more easier, simpler, less problematic.

like a butterfly, never able to fly a straight and preconceived map. we blow around, billowing, flapping, fluttering in the winds. never sure what will come next. will it be peace or hatred, ecstasy or rage.

joy, happiness, delight, elation, bliss, harmony, serenity, gladness. we want so desperately yet still they remain out of reach.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a

oh show me, Father, what love really is.

"there are millions of people out there,
but in the end,
it all comes down to one."















can you hear that?







it's the sound of a heart breaking.

another day in the life of a graduate student

have been working on my thesis literature review... boring schmoooring. have not been out of the house today. the girls (lowana, leanne, leanne, and kaia) are coming over at 5:30 for supper. my plan is to get as much as i can get done until about 4:30 and then will cook up a storm, have supper, obligatory visiting (i am glad that they are coming and it will be fun, i just feel like i have so much to do. i miss eating in the college cafeteria, not the food, but the social aspect more so), then hopefully i can sneak off to the yearbook office and work on that for a few hours or so. i am so glad robert gave me the keys while he's gone, usually i have to go and work on it in the daytime when the offices in the academic building are all unlocked. but this way, i can go in the evening when i don't feel so much like doing homework, and i can do my homework in the afternoon when i feel like it. this is super.

sign my guestmap please.... it's over there -->
: ) i like seeing lots of little people.

and i know you've been here.... leave a message : )

worked in the library all afternoon, got a bit of work done on my Bible study which is good, very good. but i need to do a lot more. the gameplan for tomorrw is to get up earlier and get to the library earlier after doing some typing here at home. i invited lowana, kaia, leanne, and leanne over for supper tomorrow so that should be fun. i like lowana, she's very cool, and i don't get to hang out with her that often. i had cory over tonight, i made linguine and tomato pasta sauce with chicken, very very good, even had a salad. we never have salad in this house, so it was a joyous occasion. joanne and i are eating terribly well this week with holly and tamara gone! funny stuff.

i saw my friend amanda's husband mike in the library today, whom i haven't seen in about three years, and he came over and we chatted for a little while. i was sitting with leanne, my roommate from last year, and she commented to me after he left, "michelle, i think it's weird when i see you talk to people i don't know because i don't think of you as knowing other people or people i don't know." that was sad, and weird.

tonight i went to moose jaw with rachel, who lives in our basement, to pick up some movies and go to tim horton's, one of Canada's best kept secrets. seriously, you americans are missing out on iced cappucino and wonderful donuts. and i'm told their coffee is quite superb too, but i don't like coffee. nothing like an iced cap from timmy's, my record is 6 in less than 48 hours, a feat i accomplished this spring.

anyways, rachel and i had a good chat in the car about marriage and stuff. she was telling me that we shouldn't need a guy to complete us, that we should be complete without a guy. i am wondering exactly how i feel about this. i think it's true, we should be complete by ourselves, but when we find that person that God has made for us, we are complete as well. i added that i met so many people this past summer, in and around my age (early 20s) who were panicking because they wanted to get married, find someone to marry, become complete and whole. but if we aren't whole in ourselves, how can we expect someone else to make us whole? i don't want to marry someone who isn't sure of themselves, who doesn't know who they are apart from me. i want to marry someone who is confident of themself. i think that we should compliment as well as complete. i think that i should know who i am and be sure of that before i get married and bring myself into a relationship where it is essential that i know who i am. i don't know if this makes sense or not. it's a touchy subject. maybe i don't know what i'm talking about. but hasn't God created us as whole beings? or do we need to find this wholeness in others?

i find it completely so interesting that lately i have come across a gazillion blogs discussing these same issues of love and marriage and completeness and wholeness and looking for love and wanting to be loved. is it because of this age group i'm in? did our parents discuss this as much when they were our age? or is it just our generation?

"'Cause what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive..."
-Steven Curtis Chapman, "What I Really Want to Say"

so here i have a whole new fresh week ahead of me, one with lots of potential. how exciting. my plan is, of course, to get lots and lots and lots of work done... i have two big assignments due next week:

1. the lit review for my thesis proposal. i have the books, they are boring, thus i have not started. our library does not really have anything recent on the internet, and i could only find one book on internet ministry. ugh!
2. my Bible study on Mary. this i have been working on a lot, doing a lot of research... but as of yet i have nothing on paper. and next wednesday morning at 8am i am leading a 45-minute Bible study at my professor's house with nine youth pastors. public speaking makes me extremely nervous. like to the point of nausea i mean. i will, however, survive. but i have to say that public speaking is the hardest thing i ever have to do.

this just happens to be the college reading week, so a large majority of the 800 college students are gone for the week or are in modular classes all day... so the library should be relatively empty. no distractions. no boy distractions. crudbuckets.

it's november 4th. officially two years since my last radiation treatment. whoooooohooooo. cool. : )

my friend robert's grandmother died so he is leaving tonight to drive home to wyoming for the funeral.

i never know what to say to grieving people. it's always very ackward for me. my great-grandmother died when i was little, but that is the only death i have been close to... other than cats. and although cats are great, they aren't the same as people.

lately i have been faced with my own selfishness... how often i put myself before others. not a pretty lesson. i don't want to know that i'm selfish, but that in itself is very selfish! why are we such fickle creatures? i want to be the woman that God desires for me to be, but there is such a hard stubborn wall right in the middle of the path that would take me. Father, help me to break it down. guide me, i pray.

"If I give my life,
If I lay it down
can you turn this life around?
Can I be made clean,
by this offering of my soul...
Can I be made whole again?"

the bubble

tonight i had an interesting conversation on msn with my old roomate heather from two years ago. she went here to Bible college for a year and then has been at a secular university since. we were talking about God's timing and stuff like that having to do with relationships. she told me that i shouldn't even like someone here because it's a "Christian environment" and not "the real world" and it's easier for people to be Christians here.

while i understand her opinion, i don't agree with her theory. i think that God places us where we are for a reason. i don't think it is wrong to be attracted to people in this environment. yes, it is very easy to be a Christian here when practically everyone else is. but i would not base a whole relationship on how a person acts in this environment. a whole person exists outside of the Christian bubble as well. and how they act outside of the bubble also affects my opinion of them, which also affects how i am attracted to them.

we were, of course, speaking of a particular person. selflessness and giving to others are important qualities to me, and i think that they are expressed out of a pure heart, a pure heart that is still pure outside of the bubble, outside of the box that we are forced into during our education here.

"i'm learning to breathe, i'm learning to crawl, i'm finding that You and You alone can break my fall..."
- Switchfoot, "Learning to Breathe"

the jaw

today i went on a grand ol' trip to the thriving metropolis of Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, also know as "little chicago," although it is far from being any sort of a little chicago. i assume that most of you who read this will have never had the treat of spending time in moose jaw since the majority of you are Americans who've never had the pleasant opportunity to visit Canada. : )

moose jaw is a city of about 35 000 right smack dab in the middle of the country near the bottom, on the wide open prairie. everyone who is not from the prairies always says there isn't much to see, but i love the prairies. endless wheatfields, what could be a better sight? there is a kids book called if you're not from the prairie, i love kids books. moose jaw has a really really big statue of a moose, it's cool.

anyways, back to the story at hand. i went to 'the jaw' with kiko and joanne, we had a lovely time at the town n' country mall, rogers video, wal-mart, and superstore. at the mall joanne and i went to winner's ("brand name items at discount prices" and "you should go" are their slogans). i am not a winner's fan. i never find anything good there, it's always just weird brand names that you've never heard of and would not normally buy at regular prices. anyways, joanne made me put on a glittery one-shouldered velvet dress for fun which was hilarious, too bad we didn't have a camera, but then i was covered with glitter. we got a few movies at rogers and kiko contemplated getting a cellphone (cellphones perplex me. they look cool, but they still aren't necessary. everyone here doesn't have one yet. i don't know anyone at school that does, i had one friend in college this year that did. but where i was working in ontario this summer everyone and their dog had one). anyways, at wal-mart i got some film developed, lots of funny pictures from september that i had forgotten i had taken, and some neat ones that joanne, rachel and i took when we went on an autumn walk a few weeks ago. i also got some new gel... i have decided to try for the curly wet look even though my hair is poker straight. i need to look less fourteen years old and more twenty-four. i also got some fabric lining and zippers to make some cosmetics bags for my two sisters for Christmas. i have some fabric that i got from my Gramma's attic this spring that i am going to make into a cool patchworky sort of outside for the bags. at superstore, joanne and i bought a ton of groceries... yummy fresh broccoli and green peppers and stuff for stirfry, and a lovely mccain rising crust pizza that we are very excited for... tamara won't let us buy pizza but what she doesn't know won't hurt her since she's not here this week. we're going to take pictures, it will be very rebellious of us to be eating pizza. ; ) chuckle chuckle.

it was fun to spend time with kiko because i don't often get to and she's fun and so interesting... this is her ninth year in Canada, her parents sent her to the high school here when she was in grade nine and only spoke Japanese. she's only been back to Japan a few times.

later joanne and i watched "kate & leopold." interesting movie. not very realistic.

“So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel,
but they seemed like only a few days to him
because of his love for her.”
- Genesis 29:20

welcome to november.

"He came for the lost and lonely
He came for the broken hearted
Ready or not He came
He came for the wounded soldier
He came for the cynical son
Ready or not he came
That they might know Him for who He was...
He came for the brusied and battered
He came for those forgotten
Ready or not He came
He came for the troubled family
He came for the hungry little girl"
- "The Only" by Riley Armstrong

i love this song, i think that it so amazingly well illustrates the truth of God... that he sent his son to die for us, no matter who we are or how much we don't accept it or how much we deny it. we all have that God-shaped hole, why do we try to fill it with things that won't fit?

as a youth ministry major, so often i am struck with the hopelessness of adolescence, that paralyzing fear that comes from the search for who we are and trying to find it through faulty means. doing research for my thesis, i have been reading a lot of blogs, which of course reflect our society. there are those that are condemning, those that are searching, those who are simply looking for someone to listen or someone to love, those who are hopeful, and those who have found the answer. the ones who have found the answer are always my favourite, but i should be focusing on those who are still searching. i think that those of us who are Christians have so much responsibility entrusted to us to witness... i pray that somehow we are making an impact.