mikao's world

reflection

my first year of college was spent far away from home in Alberta in a city in Ontario. i took art at a smaller college, while living with my aunt, uncle, and two cousins (a girl, 16, and a boy, 19), having only met my aunt a couple of times very briefly. I hadn't really been away from home before and so it was quite the adventure. i was so excited to be in college and getting to experience new things.

i loved the opportunity to study art full-time, and exploring new mediums was great (i had previously only worked in watercolour and pencil)… so pottery, fibre art (weaving), sculpture, and printmaking were great fun to learn. I was still young in my faith, despite being nineteen and having become a Christian about six years previously. my faith did not really have a chance to be nurtured before college as i attended a dry church with no emphasis on spiritual growth of any sort and had little motivation.

but, while attending that first year of college, I was blessed to be able to attend an evangelical church for the first time with my relatives. my aunt and younger cousin were strong Christians, and it was great getting to know them and going to church with them.

not living in dorm and being in a house very far from campus, i didn't have a lot of friends that year, just a few people from class. only a very few times outside of classes did we ever hang out. it was a hard year. unfortunately my uncle was very controlling and verbally abusive towards his family, and thus towards me as well. i can remember one time being thrilled that a friend called me on a saturday to go out and do something, and he was pretty mad that i was going out. i had never been out on a weekend before, and this was the second semester. everything that I did was subject to his inspection and opinion.

i have never felt so trapped as i did that year. i wouldn't wish it on anyone. while many aspects of that year were deeply educational for me and i learned much spiritually, sometimes i wish i would have never experienced it. i have an extreme fear of men. i have an extremely hard time in situations dealing with men who are older than me, and often times even with guys my own age. i have problems trusting. but i want to trust. i want to be able to love. i have trouble expressing my emotions. i have trouble telling people personal stuff. but no one knows this, i don't tell people this. none of my friends know. none of my family knows.

but God knows. and by his grace he will set me free.

this grudge has gone on for too long
replaying it over in my head
a tighter grip – I've locked my wrist
and now it's getting harder to let go… this I know

can we let these walls fall down?
and render grace
can we let these walls fall down?
bitterness is a weight
- Canyon Bridge, "Let These Walls Fall Down"