ambitions

tomorrow at 7:15am i will be doing something i don't often do that early in the morning... getting up. usually i get up around 10. but, a week of classes is ahead of me (i know, i know, i shouldn't be complaining, some of you guys get out of bed for classes 5 days a week 8 months of the year... me, my sleeping schedule is interupted three weeks of the semester). a modular system is nice (having classes 8-4 for a week straight instead of broken up over the semester), but i miss the daily interaction and schedule of college classes. i miss the gradualness of it all, i have a hard time being forced to learn so much in a week. i forget it so soon.

my old roommate heather, whom i talked to earlier this afternoon, phoned me tonight with a question and a compliment... "how do you stay in touch so well with people?" she and her friend terri were wondering if i have a schedule for sending out postcards to people. no, i don't. i just send them when i think of people.

which brings me to the question, sarah, has your postcard arrived yet? i hope so. if not, what did mr. postman do with it?

and, if any of my other readers out there would like a postcard of their very own, i'd love to send you one. email me your address. : )

and, have a great day. thanks for taking time out of it to read this.

mary kate and ashley

my blog has continued to have a lot of traffic even in my absence of posting. people are still looking for jars of clay's "the valley song" lyrics. some of you found the link to the switchfoot concert photos. and someone apparently thought this blog would tell them whether or not mary kate and ashley olsen will spend forever with the Lord.

and, i was also told that a couple of people whom i personally know read my blog while i was away. i used to not put a lot of personal information on my blog so that someone specifically searching for me wouldn't randomly stumble upon it. i still don't post my last name. but if you're looking for a michelle from my school, or a couple of unique names that a couple of my friends have that i've posted about, or my know my camp name, then there is the likelihood that you'll find my my blog.

while it doesn't bother me that you found my blog and read it (hey, it's on the internet, anyone can read it), it does bother me that you read it with malicious intent... wanting to be able to find something that i had written in order to use it against me.

i can only think of one time i wrote something i wished i hadn't in my blog. i've thought about deleting it. but i wrote it and have learned from it. i think it should still be there, it's a part of my past.

i like blogging. i like writing down what i'm thinking, what i've been doing, what i've been finding out, what God's been teaching me, and i love the interaction that it brings from people all over the world. i love the internet friends i've been meeting through blogging, you guys are awesome! i love reading what God is doing in your lives. i think that my blog is a a tool that God is using in my life to help me become more Christlike.

in this crazy, messed-up world, it's amazing to me that there are still so many people out there actively seeking to follow the Father. His love is amazing and unending and never ceasing. two thousand years ago a virgin concieved and little baby was born who brought the gift of salvation to a needy world. this baby was Jesus Christ.

by reading this, you're joining in my journey. i don't know if mary kate and ashley olsen will spend forever with the Lord. but i know i will be. and it is my prayer that you will too.


"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from Him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
- Psalm 62:5, 6

85 memories

i'm back at school, back in my beloved room, back on the internet catching up on all my regular blog reads and enjoying the laziness of this day before a week of classes starting tomorrow at 8am.

i had a good break and visit at my gramma's... i wish it could have been longer though. she still lives on the farm that my mother grew up on in manitoba. and yesterday was her 85th birthday.

we spent most of the time labelling two large boxes of old family photographs which was tiring but also very interesting. lots of old homesteading pictures from when my great-grandparents started carving out a prairie farm in 1916 that i didn't know existed. lots of cute pictures of my mom and aunt. lots of pictures of my grandpa whom i never got to meet. lots of pictures of my great-grandfather who died a few months before i was born... i'm convinced he was a very great man. lots of memories are held in a box of photographs. and those memories live on in the lives of those who remember.

"what are you doing?"
"i'm making a memory."
- i think this is from "the parent trap," but i'm not too sure...

"mandy moore did not write this song"

just got back, great concert tonight. must get up early tomorrow morning to give retreaters their art back from the art gallery competition. must go to bed.

t minus

less than 2 hours until the switchfoot concert. and as much as i love switchfoot, i still would trade this one in if i could make it to the jars of clay and caedmon's call concert tomorrow night in minot, nd.

this is youth quake

4000 youth and youth sponsors
3 days
caronport, saskatchewan
2 big bands (tfc, switchfoot)
kickoff skit
games
1 huge stage
various acts
prayer room
lazer tag
inflatables
overpriced merchandise
packed dorm rooms
b.o. smell everywhere
stinky overused bathrooms
hotdogs
food tents
art
24-7 prayer
juggling
dorm patrol
here 4 you crew
security
essential ID tags

...i have to go, i have to be somewhere locking a room in a few minutes.

simple joy

flannel pajamas.

can you hear Me?

youth quake 2003 begins at 1pm central standard time. i don't expect to see my house again until very very very late tonight.

but i might skip the thousand foot krutch concert tonight. i have a feeling i will be exhausted by then.

conversation

joanne: so, do you think they will sing the song from the movie?

michelle: yeah, highlight of the weekend!

joanne: do you think because they left this bounce sheet here it means they want it in the dryer?

michelle:: um, i don't know.

joanne: would you put it in the dryer?

michelle: um, no, i wouldn't want to chance it and put in something that shouldn't have been in there.

joanne: okay. that's probably best. (pause) so, do you think they'll say something about jamie sullivan?

this of course is all in reference to the switchfoot concert this weekend, with some laundry banter thrown in for your own personal enjoyment, because you, after all, will not be here to enjoy the concert.

oy

it's 12:30am and my stomach does not feel so good... i don't have time to be sick.

my day

i'm going to write a post about my day today... because, well, it's my blog and i can write what i want to... although sometimes (or actually more often than not), i think that i should write something profound and insightful and interesting, but that's just not going to happen tonight.

so today i went out for lunch with my visiting friends carrie and natty, and we also took the fabulous lowana with us as well, and had a perfectly fabulous time... only got a million looks from the lady with the mullet two tables over who apparently did not appreciate our laughing.

then tonight i worked on some decorations for the art gallery for youth quake... hopefully it is going to look cool schmoole, but we'll only know tomorrow when it is officially all done and painted and decorated.

now i need to be getting out of this library with it's beautiful fast internet connections and back to my slow computer at home to work on the scheduling for yq so i can get those out to my volunteers for the weekend so they know exactly what they are doing.

good night.

ugh

i don't like posting in the library. i don't like working in the library in general. i feel like there are a million people staring at me and reading my every word.

maybe i'm just still too self concious. i thought i would grow out of that after the end of junior high... but (excuse me while i go and check)....................... nope, i haven't grown out of it yet.

looking for

i've always noticed a lot of discussion of romance/love/future spouses/etc. in general in blogs, and the past couple of days i have noticed an extreme amount of it… and also due to events in my life as of late i've been thinking about it too.

tim has an interesting discussion going on over at .future.hope (see the feb 1e post that starts with "I've been in a very Coldplay state of mind"), and carly's got some interesting things to say in a recent post as well (see feb 18th's post "my entire life, i've come in second place". (my apologies, i couldn't figure out how to directly link).

and once upon a time last semester I signed up for a free issue of elle magazine and am still getting it (if there's anyone from elle out there reading this, please quit sending it to me, I don't want your magazine for the gazillionth time and I'm not gonna pay for it), and found the following this month in regards to what joshua jackson of dawson's creek fame looks for in a girl:

"A pulse is a good place to start," he jokes. "What I mean is, I try not to prejudge. Life would be boring if I said, 'Okay, all the blondes and redheads out, anybody over five-foot-seven out.' That would be more like catalogue shopping than romance."
- Joshua Jackson, in Elle Canada, March 2003, pg. 56.

here i am again

so here i am in the library again, where the internet connection is a gazillion times faster than the one that beams itself into my room via my phoneline. ah, the wonders of dial-up (that was a joke).

so, how are you guys doing out there? i was wondering, because it seems like no one is blogging. i haven't really felt like blogging lately either. i think these past couple of days were a world blogging slump. or maybe it was the fact that everyone uses haloscan comments and they were down so no one wanted to blog because we all know that we webloggers live for the intereaction of comments.

something mildly disconcerting, i find, is our "computer lab checking-out situation." there are a bunch of long desks back to back with computers on them in here and so when you look past your computer monitor's left side, which is basically the centre of your vision, you are looking directly at the person using the computer behind yours. it feels like people are continually looking at you, or checking you out perhaps. mildly disconcerting, i know, that's what i said!

i've had a long day, all day getting stuff ready for youth quake. yq is canada's largest youth conference, and this weekend, our little campus will welcome 4000 more people from across canada and the usa and some overseas for one cool intergalactic weekend. (i've always wanted to use the word intergalactic in my blog. i figure i'll get some cool hits from that one ;) ) anyways, back on topic here.... i'm in charge of the art gallery, so have been busy getting that into motion and getting people signed up to help out with stuff, getting the prizes ready, etc. etc. should be a fun but terribly exhausting weekend... including the switchfoot concert saturday night.

anyways kids, i should be heading off home, and maybe see if anyone is around. i have two houseguests (carrie and natty) this week whom i haven't seen all day... and another one is arriving tonight (alaina). take care and have a super duper evening and day.

"He who loves a pure heart and whose speech is gracious will have the king for his friend."
- Proverbs 22:11

looking

if you're looking for the lyrics to jars of clay's "the valley song" (my webstats keep telling me that you are ;) ), click here.

here i am

i'm at the library tonight, alone, doing pretty much nothing... a boring night.

it's someone's birthday today. but i wasn't invited to the party.

i hate it when friendships fade away or die or become one sided. one of life's great sorrows.

to do list

dream big. do something unexpected. fall in love. drive alone. sing in the rain. quit biting nails. stop worrying. finish homework. finish school. publish something again. sew another quilt. clean room. do laundry. take more photographs listen to more music feed the hungry. give to the poor be in two places at once. have an art show. get over self-conciousness. read my Bible more. quit relying on myself so much. quit obsessing so much. not forget that i've given it all to God.

in other news

i have decided to redo my sidebar a bit... and so am committing this to the archives today:

i want to live life freely.
i want to fly across the ocean.
i want to breathe the air in England.
i want to walk the streets of new york city again.
i want to see the louvre.
I want to tour frank lloyd wright's house.
i want a happy holiday.
i want to feel that tingly sensation when i hold hands for the first time.
i want everyone to like me.
i want to dream unashamedly.
i want to unabashedly experience love.
i want to be married.
i want to have a home.
i want my grandmother to be able to meet my husband.
I want to share my memories with someone.
i want to fall asleep in the arms of the man that God has created for me.
I want to have no doubts.
i want to love others without worrying what other people think.
i want to get over past regrets.
i want to embrace my past and be hopeful for the future.
i want to learn to play the piano.
i want to paint a great painting.
i want to be remembered as one who loved.
i want to have children.
i want to share the Word of God unashamedly.
i want to pray without ceasing.
i want to live without fear.
i want to embrace the gifts I've been given.
i want to not care if my friends don't agree.
i want to speak in public and not be nervous.
i want to sing alone without being embarrassed.
i want to experience a prairie summer again.
i want to renew old friendships that i miss.
i want to be a mentor.
i want to share Christ with many.
i want to see Christ change the lives of those close to me.
i want to see my family all come to salvation.
i want people to not be afraid to talk to me.
i want to be approachable.
i want to raise my children in the faith.
i want my husband to be completely and totally head-over-heels in love with me for who i am and who i will be.
i want to be totally and completely head-over-heels in love with my husband for who he is and who he will be.
i want to hear "well done, good and faithful servant," when it is over.

funny

funny how God helps us do things we don't think we can, funny how he helps us handle the impossible.

just yesterday i thought "i can't handle it, if this ever happens", and then it did... and i think i'm fine.

thanks God.

speechless.

wondering what to risk

The other day while I was driving home my world was shaken… it occurred to me that I had left too many risks untaken, I'm always sitting here just waiting for a revelation. Is it ever gonna come?

All this searching yet my destiny is still unfound, makes me realize this world will always let me down. So it seems that the only hope I ever had was everything that You are.

I'm falling down, tumbling after You, I'm overwhelmed, tripping over simple truth. In all I've found there's nothing that's more beautiful than what I've found in You. You could always see right through the front I'd offer you, not believing my excuses waiting for the truth, when you could have turned your back and walked away from me, you picked me up instead.
- Starfield, "Tumbling After"

funners

funners just happens to be one of my favourite words, although technically it is not a proper word, i think it's a gooder. ; )

i went to moose jaw today with maria, anna, joanne, and barclee, we went to the mall and out for supper, which was nice. i got some new jeans, over which i am very excited, for i cannot remember the last time i bought new jeans, probably a year ago. i've been sustained on second hand finds, mainly jeans from friends that were too small for them, or cheap thrift store bargains. but it's always hard to find nice jeans second hand.

on another note, totally unrealted, what is up with this weather? i think it has snowed every day for at least the past week, if not longer. my hands are chapped, it's too cold outside. there are not many things i hate, but chapped hands i definitely do.

i must run, i'm at the library and it's closing in a few minutes. my roommates have been on the phone non-stop all night so i couldn't get online to check my email. but my real purpose for coming here was actually to sign out "the ten commandments" (filmed in 1923) for the second time... it's on 5 hour reserve but since the library's not open tomorrow i can keep it until monday morning... so i have all tomorrow to work up the excitment to watch it. (i have to for my upcoming class).

it's going to be good, right? it's not going to be snoring boring, is it?

hypothetical surreal valentine's day

so susie* went out with some friends to starbucks on valentine's day and it ended up that her friend midge's older brother paul was there... paul, whom susie thinks is fabulous but never gets to hang out with. susie thought that this was a very surreal way to spend valentine's day. she thinks paul is just peachy.

but susie has liked this guy named hubert for a very very long time, two years in fact. but, hubert moved away, far away, just recently, and while susie and hubert still chat, susie has pretty much resigned herself to the fact that nothing will ever happen between her and hubert... and this makes her sad.

when susie returned home from her valentine's evening at starbucks, she found, low and behold, that suzy, the girl that hubert likes, a girl she has never met, is staying at her house that evening. suzy, is of course, pretty nice, and hard to dislike, except for the fact that she doesn't like hubert and doesn't know what to do about him... he gave her a framed picture of himself for Christmas, which everyone has to admit, pretty weird. and he keeps calling her and emailing her. but she doesn't want him to.

this makes susie sad. she wishes hubert could find a nice girl to like, a nice girl who likes him back and knows how fabulous he is. a girl like her.

*all names have been changed.

Happy Valentine's Day

i was hoping to have a pink template ready for today, and just for today... but despite all my efforts i was either stuck with a teal section that i couldn't get rid of, or no comments... so you guys i guess are stuck with the periwinkle/bluish/accidental background that seems to go well with the raindrops.

i've actually been thinking about getting rid of the raindrops, or maybe going to a different colour or template, but then would it still be mikao's world? and, i've also thought about getting a new blog name... but i can never think of anything i'm satisfied enough with, so i just stick with what i've got.

mikao, by the way, is my "camp name," short for mary kate and ashley olsen (m.k.a.o.), who of course played "michelle" on "full house."

this post isn't very valentine-ish now is it?

accomplishment

i just finished this, and also this, so i thought i’d let you take a peek. : )

dialogue

me: ooo, i've got all clean pajamas.

joanne: what? you've got Korean pajamas?

me: no, i've got all clean pajamas, but that would be fun, traveling around to different countries buying pajamas.

joanne: hello, i think we've just found ourselves a new career.

me: what?

joanne: like we couldn't do that… travel around, buying pajamas, taking pictures, and making a book with some sort of crap cool cover to sell at Chapters. we'd make a fortune!

one month

i just found out today that not only will downhere be here march 12, with opening band even, but, they also have a second opening band... (insert drum roll here)... starfield!

i am pumped.

so...

and so i have nothing fascinating or even remotely interesting to blog about, today was one dull day. dull dull dull. i pretty much did nothing that i could call an accomplishment, nothing i can be proud of, since most of my day i spent working on a silly template.

i did, however, look at my notes for my next upcoming class, "Screening Scripture: The Bible in Cinema and Film," that is the week of march 3-7. there is a whole truckload of notes (282 pages of photocopied notes that cost a mere $53!), plus three textbooks, and a bajillion films to watch, i had better get cracking.

but i don't want to watch boring films (romeo and juliet, circe 1968 and 1996, the ten commandments, etc). i want to do something fun.

but my reward for watching boring films will be doing something fun. well, actually, a few fun things:

a) my friends carrie from idaho and natasha from alberta are coming on friday for almost a whole week. whooohoooo.
b) my friend alaina is coming next week for 6 days.
c) youth quake is coming up in a week and a half. whooohooo switchfoot!
d) i just found out today that my old roommate heather from ontario is coming march 11th and will be here march 12 for the downhere concert. yippeeee.
e) my friend lisa is coming to visit march 7-13 from ontario. coolness.

so, yeah, i need to go and get watching some shakespeare... so that when carrie and natty come i don't have to force them to watch shakespeare. : )

have a great night guys.

ugh!

i've been working on a new template all day... very very frustrating. can't find the renegade code that is causing the trouble.

you

i wish that he was here. i wish we could hang out.

'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
Tonight

It's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me
- Vanessa Carlton, A Thousand Miles

days like

days like today i wonder if i really know who i am and where i'm going. days where nothing tactile gets accomplished and it's a simple joy to be living and breathing one more day, basking in the hope that there are better days to come.

days like today are blustery weather days and calm weather days, days where nothing can be predicted and things can change in a moment with no notice or warning or red flag. not even a little blinking light or a doorbell. nothing.

days like today are fraught with misunderstandings and deep understandings, and caring too little and caring too much.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding..."
- Proverbs 3:5

the valley song
(sing of Your mercy)
-written by Aaron Sands, Dan Haseltine, Charlie Lowell, Stephen Mason, and Matt Odmark

"You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to You

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Jus the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

Though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around,
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down"
- performed by Jars of Clay

i've been getting a lot of hits lately looking for the lyrics for this song, so I thought I'd post the full lyrics, they don't seem to be out there on the web yet. I hate it when you're looking for lyrics and can't find them. I love the line, "because there are no words," as well as the chorus. great song.

ugh

don't you just love blogger? : )

template problems, try #2



if you can actually get this picture to work (you can type the address into your browser), that's me second from the right.

* An increase in the number of common law couples from 6% in 1996 to 16% in 2001. (This compares with 8.2% in the US, 24.5% in Norway, and 30% in Sweden).
* An increase in the number of children living with common law parents from 3.1% in 1981 to 12.8% in 2001.
* An increase in the number of children living with lone parents from 12.8% in 1981 18.8% in 2001, and a decrease in the number of children living with two married parents, from 84.1% in 1981 to 68.4% in 2001."

Source: Kids First Canada.

get out

"The number of adults aged 20 to 29 still living with their parents has increased from 27.5% in 1981 to 41.4% in 2001 (with the highest percentage in Newfoundland at 50.9% and the lowest in Saskatchewan at 29.8%)."

Source: Kids First Canada.

prima

this afternoon after church, jodi, holly, and i ventured off to the big city of regina, saskatchewan, for some quality time. chapters bookstore (kind of like barnes and noble, for you americans... i love bookstores like chapters, they have way better selection than a library… except you can't take the books home for free, or just non-commitment borrow them either). anyways, looked through a bunch of awesome art books, found some neato journals (I have a real weakness for beautifully bound journals), and bought nothing. yay willpower! : ) some people think the real plus factor of chapters is the fact that they have a starbucks in them, but i'm not a coffee fan, books are much more exciting to me.

then later we went to value village (a thrift store)… and none of us found anything which is really strange, and to the cornwall centre mall. i found a really nice wool cable knit scarf at the gap that i had seen before Christmas that i really liked, but back then it was $58 (who pays that much for a scarf???). now it's on for $12, but they only had a black one, and i thought, what do i need another scarf for, and my peacoat is navy, so it really wouldn't match anyway. i did however succumb to the allure of some really good smelling and cool looking cranberry and spiced pear candles at the body shop that were on for half price that i had also seen before Christmas but did not buy. so that was my big purchase today, a couple of candles. i've never boughten candles before, i'm more of a cool lamps person, but now my room will smell lovely.

then, we went to this restaurant called "pasta prima" that none of us had been to before, and had a lovely supper. it was all homemade fresh pastas, super good stuff. so, yeah, if you're ever in regina, go to pasta prima.

notice

lately i've had a significant increase in web traffic. i'm not sure what this is due to, although i've noticed a lot of visitors surfing in. most of my referrals come off of tim's and kathleen's blogs, but lately i've also had a lot off of carly's, sarah's, and jenni's blogs. so, welcome here. and thanks to my referrers, you guys are awesome! : )

i've also had a lot of people surfing in off of google looking for lyrics, as well as other assorted searches such as:

a) various desktop themes
b) "worrying what other people think"
c) think outside the bubble school youth ministry
d) "never been willing to give up my heart "
e) "never had a boyfriend"
f) ohio driver's liscence template
g) yukon driver's liscence template
h) canada age of majority card template

just in case you are here because you were searching for something similar, i will let you in on a few fun facts:

a) you will not find any desktop themes here
b) don't do it so often, it's not worth it
c) hmm... yes i'm a youth min major. sometimes i blog about it. stick around, i love to think outside the bubble, although i live in the bubble.
d) oooo, tough one. something i struggle with daily.
e) yes. we're still out here. people like me. we're not freaks, despite popular opinion. hold in there. i'll blog about this another day. but, just to let you in on a little secret, it's not as bad as you think it might be. i'm willing to wait for the right guy rather than settle for the wrong guy.
f) no, i will not help you break the law.
g) see "f", and no, i do not think you should be looking for this.
h) see "f" and "g", and quit trying to break the law(!), it'll only mess up your life and get you in more trouble. trust me.

somehow, this increase in traffic makes me nervous. suddenly i think my entries should be more profound. suddenly i feel like i should have something interesting to say. suddenly i feel like i do nothing to deserve you reading this (13 hits from new brunswick in one day? i've never had a hit from new brunswick before!). there you are, somewhere totally random on this planet, reading this... my little random though.

leave me a comment. let me know that you read this. let us in on where you're from and how you got here. let me in on why you keep coming back. i'm interested to hear. : )

drastic

i've been meaning to get my hair cut for awhile. it was getting what i considered to be a little bit too long. i saw 28 days about a week ago, and so i was thinking i'd maybe get my hair cut like sandra bullock's in that movie, she had such great hair.

but anyway, today i, on the spur of the moment, went to moose jaw, and ended up getting my hair cut. drastic cut. like 8 inches at least. now it's shorter than sandra's, not by much, but still shorter. i've never had my hair cut this short in my entire life. well, i suppose maybe when i was a baby it was shorter. but this is drastic for me. shorter than shoulder length, with layers. usually i just get a straight cut with no layering.

i don't think guys understand what a big deal it is for girls to get their hair cut. or maybe it's just me... am i the only one who makes a big deal out of it? i mean, 8 inches is a lot of hair to get cut off!

but then again, once i got 14 inches cut off at once.

travel

i'm not going to my Gramma's... i needed to have a meeting before i left and it turns out the woman i need to meet with is out of town until tuesday.

but, that's okay, i'll go for my visit at the end of the month as i had planned earlier.

need to get some work done. today is a dry day.

"Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give to you..."
- Acts 2:3:6b

display ideas

for those of you who remember this, you might want to see this.

i encourage you all to replicate the apple display in your home. but not in your store. then i'd feel bad.

change of plans

i was supposed to be going to Montana this weekend and i was really looking forward to it, but the friend i was going with has decided to bail...so, a change of plans is being forced upon me. i was originally planning to go to my Gramma's for a week starting earlier this week and going through to next week, but decided to postpone that until the end of the month. but now, since my weekend is free, i'm thinking i might go. have to talk to my Gramma though and see if it works for her. she's 84, and still lives on the farm my mother grew up on in Manitoba (above North Dakota). she's one of my favourite people, we get along so great and have lots of fun together. : ) usually i go to visit once in the autumn and once in the spring, but i haven't been to see her since last march.

but, this next week i also need to have a little contact with my email to perhaps try and figure out some summer plans. i am in the midst of trying to figure out where God wants me to be this summer. i know that he will bless me no matter what i decide to do, but i worry so much about making the wrong decision. is it possible to go to the "wrong" place? i thought i had it figured out but people keep telling me to do different things and none so far stick out as a "that's totally it!" so i'm in limbo. i am hoping to serve at a church or a camp somewhere. maybe Canada, maybe the US again, we'll see.

so, i am worried about this summer... what to do, where to go. but, i do remember:

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because i am fearfully and woderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
-Psalm 139:13-14, 16a

the innocence of childhood

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek Your face...
because there are no words
Though pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
- Jars of Clay, "The Valley Song (Sing of Your Mercy)

i got the new jars of clay cd set today, "furthermore". there are two cds, one live from the stage and one from the studio, plus a bonus cd with a few jars songs on it and a few caedmon's call songs. i like this aforementioned song, as well as the new version of "love song for a Saviour." love song will always be one of my favourites. the innocence of childhood. God's great and unending love.

images

i'm actually hiding out in the library tonight... hiding from my roommates. well, actually, i guess i'm not technically hiding out, since they know where i am, but i am avoiding them. too much time in house makes me go crazy. although i do love it, it's lots of fun at the best of times... and i love my room, and i love cooking (as opposed to eating in the cafeteria, which does have it's benefits, but i like cooking), and etc. etc. : )

i am listening to my discman at the moment, although i'm superparanoid i'll start singing or something. i don't personally know any of the people in the computer lab i can see, so i don't want to make a bad impression ; ) on these people that i don't know too well! i took one of my ear buds out... just in case... then i'd hear myself singing.

got my links working, sorry they're such bad scans. i think the reflections of the tape work with the blossoms postcard, but not really with the other two. i'll scan before taping next time.

i should go. maybe get some homework done.

i'm totally random even at the best of times. i often wonder if there really is anyone out there who follows my train of thought.

new links

as time allows i have been working on expanding my blog a bit into other realms of me, so i've been developing some webpage content.

voila, here is my first somewhat finished page, some of my artwork linked up.

good stuff

i just wanted to say that i think carly's blog is an all-round cool blog, i'd like to meet this girl some day. found her blog by accident, but am loving reading her posts.

sometimes i get so lost in the little problems of my life that i forget all the joys. the joy of knowing Christ. the joy of knowing his love. the joy of living for him. the joy of being blessed by being able to go to an incredible school. the joy of freedom. the joy of life in Christ.

What do I have
If I don't have you Jesus?
What in this life
Could mean any more?
You are my rock
You are my glory
You are the lifter of my head
- Starfield, "Cry in My Heart

so blogger just ate my reflective, thoughtful post, so... maybe i wasn't supposed to post it?

it was about trying to discern God's will.

invite

i got invited to an artists' retreat at the end of march... i'm excited. i've never done anything like that before.

i, i, i survived!

quick update...

good friends are a blessing. joanne was waiting for me when i got done my interview. : )

i did indeed survive. i got a conditional pass... which pretty much everyone gets (you can get a clear pass, conditional pass, or a fail). most of the questions they asked me were on things like "how do you see the relationship within the Trinity?", "how do you recieve from God?", and "what was Christ's purpose for God while here on earth?"... not questions i was at all expecting but good ones to think about. hard ones to think about.

my conditional pass is based on the factor that i need to rework the sections of my paper on baptism, angels and demons, and the return of Christ.

I'm falling down
Tumbling after You
I'm overwhelmed
Trembling over simple truth
In all I've found
There's nothing that's more beautiful
Than what I've found in You
- Starfield, "Tumbling After

may You be honoured and glorified

today was a good day. not great, but good.

tomorrow morning at 11:30 CST begins my exit interview... 45 minutes that all potential B.A. graduates dread. anxiety.

what do i know? that God is as real as the blood in my veins, and that Jesus Christ came and died and shed that blood so that me and you can live forever with him... i know that the passion of God is a very real thing, that his grace and mercy are amazing, and that he continues to astound me every day with his love.

In my heart, there's a fire burning
A passion deep within my soul
Not slowing down, not growing cold
An unquenchable flame
That keeps burning brighter
A love that's blazing like the sun
For who You are and what You've done
- Starfield, "Filled With Your Glory"

everything

went to a surprise birthday party today which was fun. it was all people that i know casually for the most part, but never hang out with, so that was neat. played a big game of cranium, sometimes i feel so bad in trivia games because i always know all the answers (except for sports... that's my achilles heel), so my team pretty much always wins. in junior high we used to play trivial pursuit and iq2000, and the whole class would get into a big fight because they'd want me to be on their team.

but anyway, in other news, i think i figured out some big stuff... so that's good. life stuff. but then again, maybe i'm just on my way to figuring it out... but it is a road to follow down.

I want you to be
Everything to me
Inside my thoughts
And through my life
I want to know your peace

I want you to be
Everythign to me
No rival throne
No equal love
No other to compete
- Starfield, "Everything to Me"

good

last night i went to an even concert, and they were playing the new starfield cd before the show opened... so today i went and bought it. i'd highly recommend it to anyone looking for some new music to add to their collection. : )

I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
And I swear I've been down this road before
I wanna get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You
- Starfield, "Can I Stay Here Forever"

february theory

welcome to february everybody, it's nice to be here with you.

february theory (it's nice to be loved) is what i would call my debut cd, if i had one, if i could sing as well as i do in my head. maybe i'll just burn a cd with love songs on it instead and call it february theory. if i had a cd burner.

it's nice to be loved. it's nice to know that people love you. it's nice to think that people might actually like you back. it's nice to get compliments. it's nice to realize that you mean something to people. and it's great to tell other people that they mean something to you. and february is a great time to tell them that.

"Don't be somebody's slogan, because you are poetry."
- Sandra Bullock, in 28 Days

tonight

tonight i did a lot... usually i just stay home and do nothing it seems. i always feel like i've done so much more when i have hung out with people than just hanging out by myself. i suppose it's the extrovert within me.

i went to the library, read some magazines, chatted with a few people, went to "revelation" (it's a game show-type thing that happens here every couple of months where they have professors, sort of like celebrity jeopardy, they answer questions and the money goes to charity), watched ER with my roommates, went and dropped off some goodies for a friend whose birthday was today, went to my old dorm and visited my roommate from last year, came back, watched the end of gilmore girls with my roommates, then a bunch of us sat in maria's room and talked about our life stories, but we each told each others so that was kind of interesting. it's neat to realize what your friends know about you and what they consider to be significant factors of your life. we also talked about what we look for in potential husbands, which i always find to be fascinating... because for so many people it is physically based and i think this is really interesting, especially in a Christian context. why are we such an esthetically centred people? is it because of our fallen nature? or is it because of our media-saturated culture? or is it because of both factors, or something totally different?

tomorrow i need to review my positional paper because my exit interview is coming up on monday at 11:30am. it's a 45-minute interview with two professors about clarifying my beliefs and what i want to do in the future. not something i'm looking forward to, i'll be nervous.

What is it about this dance
The sweetness of our romance
That makes me feel this way

These are the echoes of Eden
Reflections of what we were created for
Hints of the passion and freedom
That waits on the other side of Heaven's door
- Steven Curtis Chapman, "Echoes of Eden"

aged

i feel very old today. well, not very old probably according to some standards, depending upon what yours are... but today i feel 25. i don't want to feel 25, by that age in life i sort of feel one should know more than i do and be more grown up and mature and have a handle on where they want to go and how they are going to get there, be in a relationship of some sort (dating, engagement, marriage), and somehow comprehend this world a little bit more.

i have i have three months and 6 days to accomplish this. then i will feel i have a right to be 25.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear
I, I will be here
- Steven Curtis Chapman, "I Will Be Here

mmm...

i'd just like to say that mortadella and provolone sandwiches with black pepper are the best... top of my favourite foods list. no, really, i'm serious. you should try it. on a nice crusty bun. believe me. the best. better even than jason's big reds.

michelle's no agenda day

today is my no agenda day. i figure i need one, i've been going full speed since january 2nd.

so, i am doing nothing that i don't want to do. i have no agenda. i'm surfing the web. catching up on blogs i haven't read in awhile. cleaning out my inbox. then, i figure, i'll have more room for good quality emails. and, while i'm at it cleaning it out, i'm getting back to people whom i can only guess have been anxiously waiting by their computers for my reply. ; )

and, we are getting another roommate... that will bring us up to seven females in one house. is this any different than dorm??? i think it'll be okay, hopefully.

suzanne moves in this sunday.

update

thanks for your comments guys, they are encouraging. i love it that community is created here on this thing we call the internet. it's amazing to have connections to people all over the world whom we would not otherwise get to know in any other setting.

got 32 pages of yearbook done last night by 10:30, only two days over our deadline but they should make it to the printers in time. only four pages left to do at the end of the month. usually i like yearbook to last as long as possible because i love doing the layout and design... but this year i'm really looking forward to it being over.

the new steven curtis chapman cd "all about love" came out yesterday so i went and bought it. good lyrics. and, cool idea, there are golden tickets in them... i won two free tickets to a show in minneapolis feb 28th. the likelihood of me going is pretty much non-existent, but hey, never say never. : )

should go and get on with life and do something like make lunch. have a great day everyone.

This is a moment made for worshipping
'Cause this moment I'm alive
This is a moment I was made to sing
- Steven Curtis Chapman, "Moment Made for Worshipping"

discouragement

i've been really discouraged lately... things haven't been going as i want them too and i keep seeing a side of me that i don't want to see, and i certainly don't want other people to see. i don't want to be grumpy and selfish.

but i do want the yearbook to be done. we keep having computer problems and printer problems.

and there is too much for two little people to do.

i just want to listen to live lullabies

We are bruised and broken masterpieces
But we did not paint ourselves
And where will I find You?
-Switchfoot, "Economy of Mercy"


Do me a favor
Would you tell me when to let go?
'Cause I think I'm holding on

Tell me tomorrow has come
With open arms
If you say it's time to move on
Then I'll stop holding on
If you stay that it's time for moving on
Time for moving on
- Switchfoot

a purple sky...

lovely day, except for the wind and the bitter cold. there is a fresh blanket of deep snow that covers everything and makes the world look all clean and new. and i love biking on fresh powder snow... the best mountain biking occurs in the snow.

i have been worrying a lot lately about the summer, what i should do and where i should go. but i was reading one of those little page-a-day devotionals today and it was all about living for today... "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. today's trouble is enough for today." sometimes i forget to trust the Lord. but hey, if anyone would like to hire me, i'm available to work may 1 to the beginning of september. : ) i'm an experienced youth intern, camp program director, librarian, arts and crafts instructor, seamstress, waitress, cook's help, hotel room cleaner, camp counsellor, etc. i'm pretty versatile. i'm open to suggestions. : )

lovely sunset tonight, the sky was all cloudy like winter often makes it, and it was a lovely shade of pink that faded to a beautiful deep lavender. now it's a wonderfully clear night with lots of stars and constellations.

A purple sky to close the day...
A lightning flash, my pounding heart
A breaching whale, a shooting star
Give testimony that You are
And my soul wells up with hallelujahs
- Chris Rice, "Hallelujahs"

go now... go

joanne bought the complete my so called life series on dvd yesterday, and borrowed a dvd player... so in the last 24 hours we've had a m.s.c.l. marathon going on at our house. need to go to bed... too much tv.

i can remember seeing one or two episodes when it was actually originally on tv, and thinking it was dumb when it got cancelled. i think it was a pretty revolutionary show for it's time and still is pretty relevant today. it captures adolescence, although a tad dated, a lot of it still pertains to today. and, being that i was in high school in '94, i get a good chuckle out of the clothes we used to wear. i just hope i wasn't that shallow. i probably was. wouldn't it be neat to be able to meet yourself as you were in high school?

"Are you... Brain?"
- Jordan Catalano

on a jet plane

flights to toronto are $298CDN. i want to go.

just for a few days.

over

class got done at noon.
went to moose jaw.
bought groceries.
bought deodorant.
got a lamb stuffed animal for my dad (he's a sheep farmer).
feel like sleeping.
need to clean my room.
must work on yearbook.

counselling

so i have been in a counselling class all week, and tonight i was working on yearbook. someone called on the phone.

good evening. student development. how can i help you?
hello.
good evening.
i am looking for someone to talk to
okay.

hello?
i'm just looking for someone to talk to.


... his name was shawn. pray for him.

going to...

just got back not too long ago, i would recommend maid in manhattan, very good fairytale-ish movie... unfortunately they have sex in the middle of it which is always disappointing. it would be such a totally good movie if they didn't, if they didn't give into their desires and waited and just didn't do what society expects. ugh! why do we give in to the lies of hollywood?

i love the whole magicalness of seeing a movie in the theatre, eating the popcorn that tastes like the inside of old gym shoes, the comfy chairs, the wiggly big huge screen, hearing the comments of fellow movie watchers, etc. etc. i remember in high school having a guest speaker in youth group who was a friend of my youth pastor's, he was supposed to talk about sex i think but ended up talking about relationships. i remember he said that a movie would be a bad date because you can't talk and it's so focused on the screen and not the person... but i think a movie is a totally good date. a) you share the whole movie theatre experience. b) i'm a total movie talker/commenter (but only very very quietly and usually only when the movie theatre is pretty empty) and i don't care if other people do it quietly. c) going out afterwards and talking is the best part, so fun. people see movies differently and it's neat to discuss what they saw and what you saw. yeah, so hey, if you ever want to take me out on a date, i'd love to see a movie with you. that would be fun.

got back and danced in joanne's room to her corny music (garth brooks), i have really taken to dancing lately... i am sure i look hilarious, i have no idea how to dance.

class is going well, i have a few quotes from my notes to publish... but not tonight.

am struggling with what to do this summer. i have a few options and don't know which to choose. i don't want to choose, i just want to know. i'm struggling between being pushed away and whether to accept it or to pursue further, and being pursued and whether or not to embrace it or push it away.

and i'd just like to mention... it's currently -31C outside (-24F), but really -44C (-42F) with the windchill (i.e. because of the wind it feels like -44C).

i'd like to go on a road trip.

On a lonely day
I look out on the freeway
I can fantasize
'Bout the car I drive
Don't need the light on
I can find my way
It's been so long
Now I have to say

I'm going to California
Gonna live the life
- Wave, "California"

confession

i'm going to the movies tonight, to see maid in manhattan. my confession is that i have only been to see movies in theatres a handful of times, truthfully, i could probably count the number of movies i've seen in the theatre on my ten fingers.

"in subway, in golden"

a certain anonymous friend of mine has a true-life story how she left college one april certain she'd never see her former crush ever again as he had just graduated, and then, in the middle of no where on her way home, she saw him at a subway restaurant.

so today when i said, "oh well, what does it matter, i'll never see him again anyways," she cried "in subway, in golden!"

this makes me nervous...

oh dear

today i was doing some reading for class tomorrow ("counselling adolescents and their families") and was reading some interesting stuff about anxiety and panic attacks. i don't have panic attacks thankfully, but i have had some pretty severe anxiety in the past couple of years and still get it every once in awhile. anyway, the book i was reading said that thyroid disorders can cause you to have anxiety-like symptoms. this i found fascinating, as someone with Grave's Disease, because i've never had a doctor ever tell me this. so technically i don't get or have anxiety, i just have symptoms of my thyroid disorder that mimic anxiety. interesting.

so let me not
forget to tremble
- Nichole Nordeman, "Tremble"

casuplty laze yjpbs sxs

the title of this entry is actually the subject line of an email i just got, from a mysterious lucile greenberg. i don't know anyone named lucile, and i don't speak whatever language she does..... except maybe in my sleep.

: )

it's cold

did nothing today but mope around, phone my mom, mope around, shower, mope around, eat, bake cookies, mope around, deliver cookies, mope around, play around on the internet, send an email, mope around, eat, knit, mope around, watch a movie (MIB... um... i did not like that movie), knit, mope around, play around on internet, mope around.

it's cold outside.

Bright are the stars that shine
In somebody else's sky
Green is the grass that grows
Someplace different
- Nichole Nordeman, "Home"

question

am i allowed to get rid of the banner that is at the top of my page? is that against blogger's rules? i can't figure it out. i do have that little blogger link at the bottom of my right sidebar. does that count enough?

about a boy

well kids, as you can see, i did indeed survive the writing of my positional paper and have emerged hopefully unscathed and perhaps might go on to live a normal life. i am feeling pretty good about it except for one section i really should have expanded on but i didn't, but hey, my interview will give me a chance to do that i am sure. so between now and february 23rd i really need to brush up on my knowledge and convictions about believer's baptism and the Lord's Supper.

i'm thinking of perhaps getting a free webpage somewhere so i can have some other pages, other than just a blog, but we'll see… then i could post it for you.

tonight i went with kiko and joanne to moose jaw for a quick trip in to moose jaw to get a few things, develop film, stop in at tim horton's (if you've never had a timmy's iced cap you do not have any idea of the goodness you are missing), and to rent a movie.

i had two films developed, one from mostly Christmas break with my family on my old camera, a kodak point and shoot (which served me faithfully for many years but it was time to move on), and the other from my new camera, my first roll developed from my pentax mz-6. and lovely pictures i must say, i am going to have a lot of fun with this camera. perhaps if i get that aforementioned web page i can post some for you. my faves are a picture of our dog jenny at home, and one of our donkey norah. and, there are also some good ones of trees in the forest on my parents' farm from over a couple of days where there was a lot of hoar frost.

and, my first first of the new year (a "first" is when you do something for the very very first time ever) i rented a movie. yes, it's true, i, michelle, had never rented a movie in my life. so, tonight, i became the proud holder (well… maybe saying "proud" is a bit of a stretch) of a roger's video card and rented about a boy. i'd have to say it's not your typical movie, but i thought it pretty interesting and enjoyed it… had some very good quotes (i love good movie quotes that you can pull out of nowhere in conversation, and people think you're brilliantly smart when you can recite the quote and what movie it's from). and, i just have a couple of questions… a) is it common in Britain to meals a lot around low square coffee tables, and b) how does hugh grant look like that when he's 42?

Later, a friend of maria's came over whom i know casually, and i realized that i really miss hanging out with people my own age or older, it's something i haven't had for awhile. i went to college a bit late (art school when I was 19, then I started Bible college when I was 20), so pretty much everyone was always younger than me. most of my friends are two or three years younger than me. but some conversations you can only have with people who are older or who've actually experienced things you only talk about.

blessing and letting grow. blessing and letting go.

I believe that there's more to life
than just what I see
And I believe that I can still fly
With these broken wings
- LaRue, "Fly"

quick update

i am done.

i have completed the biggest 9-page paper of my entire academic career.

my graduation hangs in the balance.

i have my exit interview february 3 at 11:30-12:15. this is the moment all potential bachelor of arts graduates at bbc dread... defending their doctrinal position in front of two professors. it is not uncommon to cry. i am certain i will get a conditional pass. the professor i wanted to do it with had no spots left... so i signed up for one i have had before and one that is just new this year that i don't know at all, i think i've seen him maybe twice (you sign up for a time slot and the professors' names are written beside it).

i will survive.

bubble

i am sitting in my room wrapped in a lovely bubblegum pink wool cabled sweater (unfortunately not my own) writing writing writing.

home stretch

less than 24 hours left until tomorrow...

i am busy writing my positional paper.

still lots to finish.

learning much.

faded...

i really do not remember weather this cold before, all this week it has been absolutely freezing... like freezing cold beyond belief. when i checked before it was sunny and -21C, or -4F. i can remember it being -35C before when i was younger, but i don't remember it feeling this cold. i've taken to biking everywhere as it seems a bit faster, but the sound of bicycle tires on packed sastrugi is almost unbearable, worse, i'd even venture to say, than the sound of finger nails on a chalkboard.

had a somewhat good day, went and worked on yearbook this afternoon. we got our proofs to check from our last submission. unfortunately, some of the pictures are messed up and the lovely blue colour that we picked for a background on a lot of the pages doesn't do well with black type (you pretty much can't read it at all), so it is going to cost us a lot to change that all. and, we have a ton of work to do before the 27th when we have another major deadline. unfortunately, i also have class all next week so i won't be much up for working any time except the evenings... and as layout editor most of the main work is up to me to get done once the photographs have been taken. but, after this deadline we only have four pages left and that always makes me sad, yearbook is such a major part of my year and i have a lot of fun doing it.

i made supper for our whole house today (i have five roommates, holly, joanne, tamara, rachel, and maria)... i made a lovely chinese buffet sort of a meal: rice, chow mein, garlic beef, sweet and sour pork, shrimp chips, and stir fried vegetables. mmmmmm.... i didn't know how to make sweet and sour pork so i just fried some cut up pork roast and then got a recipe off the internet for the sauce and altered it and added some stuff and pineapple, and it turned out absolutely delicious.

got a lot of research done for my positional paper (due on friday) so that is good, now i just mostly have to pull it all together and write it. other than an hour and a half in the yearbook office tomorrow afternoon, i plan to hole myself up in my room and write write write. that's the plan. whether or not it actually happens could be another story. but i'm hoping i can get at it. i have an ailment i like to call chronic procrastinationitis.

after i went to the library for a bit tonight i watched old school videos with some of my roommates (our college makes a video each year of highlights and people and stuff) and so that was fun... seeing old people not seen for awhile and remembering things we once did and how things used to be.

did some thinking about relationships. relationships past. relationships over. in particular a relationship that never really existed that people just can't let go of.




i wonder how things will turn out in the end.

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
- John Mayer, "Love Song for No One"

"i'm not what you're after"

days like today i am so very thankful for good friends.

days like today wrought with feeling, not emotion, just feeling.

And you say, come on
I'm not what you're after
But I know you're not just anyone, anyone
- Caedmon's Call, "What You Want"

camelot

who goes to sinclair community college? i'm just wondering.

snow

woke up this morning to lots of snow, probably 6 more inches of it, so everything looks pretty and all clean. snow has a tendency to do that. : )

got lots of fun stuff in the mail today... a new chequebook and cheques from my bank, a letter from my mom and a cd i forgot at Christmas (ginny owens), a camp application for this summer, and a letter from my Gramma with a ziploc bag full of sage (a green leafy herb)... and i opened it in the library and later i realized it probably looked a lot like something else.... lovely in a Bible college library.

funny funny stuff.

one last thing

made a fun supper tonight, chopped up chicken cooked with a bit of onion, cayenne pepper, chili powder, cumin, and black pepper, then added some green pepper, celery, canned tomatoes, and rice, fried it all up, and put it in tortilla wraps. i've never made anything remotely mexican, and it actually turned out tasting fabulous, so that was lovely. and, i invited kaia and leanne over and had some good chats so that was fun. and, i have discovered this year i love cooking and i love entertaining. for so long i thought i was an introvert but i have come to realize, especially this year, that i am extremely extroverted. i love people. i don’t like being alone.

this morning's sermon was on 1 Peter 3:1-7 and what submission really is, awesome sermon. good teaching.

went over to my old dorm tonight and watched serendipity with a bunch of girls. i love that movie, but i wouldn't want that to happen to me… yes, i mean i do want to find someone i think is absolutely wonderful, but i wouldn't want to have to break someone else's heart to realize it. i fear that a lot, breaking someone's heart.

sorry you have to read about it again… every day i think "gee, i've got to stop this," but i thought about marriage a lot today. everywhere i turn there seem to be reminders. i want to know who i'm going to marry. i want to know that i'll have a home. i want to know that it'll work out. i wish i could just be content with where I'm at right now, being single, finishing my schooling, without so much concern about the future. i wish i could quit wondering. quit worrying. be content in the moment. be happy. yes, i am enjoying this year for the most part, learning, doing assignments, hanging out, meeting new people, being creative. but, my heart is, for the most part, somewhere else… but i'm not exactly sure where that elsewhere is. it's not in the future because i don't know what the future is bringing.

i read yesterday, "The highest will of God is revealed when people are doing, right now, what pleases God the most." (Parrott, Les. "Helping the Stuggling Adolescent," Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2000, page 168). I pray that I'm doing God's will, by being here, but studying His Word and seeking to obey His commands. God, help me to understand that Your plan is perfect.

patience is what i'm seeking.

the one thing i want
to be here with you
it's the only thing i want
a place to call home

i'm headed west with boston's dreams upon my chest
with helen's sea before me
life is still shy of meaningless
and hide and seek is played
when love is blind and i am lame
but will that blindness hide…

the one thing i want
to be here with you
it's the only thing i want
a place to call home
- Sweetsalt, "one last thing"

blatant promotion

i would just like to suggest that if you like jazz you check out my friend sarah's cd. and the price is in canadian $$, so if you're american you get a steal of a deal! ($1 US=$1.65 CDN).

today's subtitle

sorry i have nothing thrilling or particularly interesting to write about these days... keeping busy with homework and hanging out. i'm an extrovert, which i think is just super most of the time, but sometimes does get me into trouble... back in my dorm days i would know everyone in the dorm and would visit way way too much. i think this is the first year that i don't know everyone in the college's name. but, being in seminary (grad school) i really don't do all the collegey things anymore so that's my excuse.

had a good afternoon in the library reading my aforementioned textbook (see last post) and visiting. the text is for my class january 20-24, Counselling Adolescents and Their Families (all of our classes pretty much run in modular format, so they are a week long each. but, we have pre-course and post-course reading and assignments galore so we keep busy. it is sounding like a good class and there won't be just youth ministry majors in the class which i always enjoy, and i am hoping that there is not too much overlap from other classes that i have taken. i love my youth ministry classes but i find that there is so much overlap amongst them all.

my other classes this semester will be march 3-7, Screening Scripture: The Bible in Film and Video, and march 24-28, Programming Strategies for Youth and Family Ministry. after that, i amazingly only have three classes and my MRRP (ministry related research project, similar to a thesis) left to do and i will have my M.A. i still find this incredibly odd, what am i doing here almost having a masters degree? it is something that i never planned on doing but sometimes God takes us down paths that we never expected. but hey, He knows what He's doing even if i don't have a clue, and i think that that is very very cool.

You pick me up, I let You down
Sooner or later I come around
I'm looking at the road You plow...

Show me love and show me life
Let me live in Your Good light
Take my hands, renew my mind...

You've got me moving
You'll lead me there I know
You've got me moving
- Corey Doak, "Static"

homework day...

hopefully today shall be a great homework day and i'll get lots done... i plan to finish reading this book. and maybe work on my positional paper. i seem to be avoiding it... procrastination is one of my "gifts"! ; )

so Holly and I went grocery shopping like we normally do, like most normal people do, and we happened to be in the produce section getting apples and snapped a nice photo for future scrapbooking purposes... and less than twenty seconds later the following communication interchange took place:

SuperStoreManagerLady: hello ladies, how are you doing shopping today?

Me: um... good, thanks.

SuperStoreManagerLady: Good to hear. Is it true that you have been taking some pictures?

Me: uh... yes.

SSML May I ask of what?

Me: Um... Holly putting apples in a bag...

SSML: And, may I ask what for?

Holly: For her scrapbook.

SSML: Are you sure?

Us: Yes! We're sure.

Me: Yeah, we know what we're doing.

SSML: Yes, because it's against SuperStore policy for any photographs to be taken because then our display ideas may be copied at stores elsewhere, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah so we would appreciate it if you did not take any more photographs.

Us: umm..... okay. sure. yeah. alrighty then.

Yes, strange SuperStoreManagerLady, we were planning to steal your display ideas. Yes, it's true, we are secretly billionaire grocery store developers in our early twenties who plan to develop numerous new grocery stores in the Moose Jaw area although there are already too many, and we are going to take away all your business by secretly taking photographs of your apple pile so that we can copy it in our store. Yes, yes, that's what we were doing. and we secretly planted spy cams all over your store while we were at it so that we can continue to spy on you. And, just for good measure, in the future, all of your shoppers will be secret undercover shoppers, not legitimate citizens coming to pump their cash into your store so that somewhere a gazillionaire can make more money off of unsuspecting people trying to save money forced to buy grocery bags because you don't give them out and forced to bag their own groceries because you're too cheap to hire unemployed 16-year-olds to bag them for your customers.

one great day

"My son, if you accept my words and store up my commands within you, turning your ear to wisdom and applying your heart to understanding, and if you call out for insight and cry aloud for understanding, and if you look for it as for silver and search for it as for hidden treasure, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God."
- Proverbs 2:1-5

I had a good day today… worked on homework, worked on yearbook, did a little bit of knitting (I love knitting, and anything you make with your hands basically. I love being creative. It brings me much joy), made sugar cookies with my new cookie cutters from Christmas, made supper (stir fried chicken and vegetables, mmmmm), went to the library for a bit, went to the dorm and visited for a bit, rode around on a bicycle (although not too much, the roads are pure ice and I'm too afraid of wiping out!), and then just got back and now it's already midnight.

And in the midst of it all I talked to my good friend Carolyn from camp last summer for a good hour which was much fun. I miss her.

And it got me to thinking… I am so looking forward to the day when I have a solid home of my own and when I no longer have to worry about what I'm going to do for the summer and the next school year and where I'm going to store my stuff for the summer… and the day when I get to unpack my stuff and know that I'm not going to be packing it up again in two or four or eight months…

I am excited for the day that I'll be sitting in my kitchen or at my desk or on my bed and will be able to think… this is it, this is my home. This is where my husband and my children and me live. This is where we choose to spend our days. That is going to be one great day.

And all the world will be right,
And we'll feel so full and alive
In His wonder and His light,
And we will never be the same,
For I know we all will be changed,
And we will surely say,
This is the very best of days,
This is the very best,
The very best of days.
- Geoff Moore and the Distance, "Best Days"

Godliness

a few days ago i was having a conversation with a friend about what attracts us to people. i said for me, one of the biggest things is Godliness... striving to know God more.

but what indicates Godliness, she asked. she pointed out to me that change is one of the biggest indicators of Godliness. when we can see that someone is changing, when we can see that they are actually changing old habits for new ones, changing old patterns for new ones, that is when we know someone is authentically striving onward in the quest for Godliness and knowing God more.

i pray that in me, people may see this. i hope that people can see that i am changing. that people can see i am not who i once was. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

lately i've been reading Les Parrot's book, Helping the Struggling Adolescent for my upcoming class in a week and a half, and it of course points out that the major task of adolescence is the search, or quest for identity. as Christians, our identity is found in Christ. in Him we find guidance. He has a perfect plan for us.

how wonderful it is to know God's love.

There is no greater love than this,
There is not greater gift that can ever be given
To be willing to die so another might live
- Steven Curtis Chapman, "No Greater Love"

to you

i just wanted to say thank you to those of you who take the time to read my blog, whether frequently or infrequently. it humbles me to think that people i don't even know "in the real world" take the time to read my random thoughts and often random incoherentness.

and, especially thank you to those of you who take the time to add your comments. i love them. and they have been especially encouraging as of late.

thank you

maybe

But maybe I missed the nose right on my face
For what's just past it
And maybe I have the gift that everyone speaks so
highly of
Funny how nobody wants it
- Caedmon's Call, "Can't Lose You"

chocolate lab

perspective. sometimes we need to see things from another angle. "michelle, just go back to your perfect little life..." through someone else's eyes... is my life perfect? this is the weirdest thing that anyone has said to me in a long time. gosh, how could someone say that? i'm at a loss to fathom it. i am not perfect. but i should be more thankful for what i have and where i am. maybe i should make a new year's resolution.

In my dreams I see visions of the future
But today we have today...
I'm lost without You here...
- Switchfoot, "The Economy of Mercy"

contemplation

this afternoon jodi and i are driving to regina, about an hour away, to pick up holly from the airport. should be fun, we're going out for supper, which we don't often do, so that should be lovely. we plan to make a very large and probably rather embarassing poster to welcome her back to saskatchewan : )

these next few days i plan to get a major chunk of my positional paper done, you'll be hearing more about it in the days to come i am sure. basically, it is a hugely major paper that you have to write to get your b.a., all about your beliefs and goals and plans and what you've learned through four years here. technically i should have my b.a. already since i'm doing graduate studies already, but long story short i don't and i'm getting it in april... tres exciting. (tres means "very" in french, it's pronounced "tray" i tend to use it a lot, i'm not sure why...hmm...)

anyway, that's what i'm up to today. have a super day everyone. right now, i'm off to the academic building to check my student box and also to the post office to check my mailbox. hey, if anyone wants to send me something cool in the mail, i'm up for it. : )

You're softer than a cannon blast
But your effects much longer last
- Caedmon's Call, "What You Want"

i have homemade brownies cooking in the oven...

fighter jets

this morning, while contemplating getting up from the lovely warmth of the comfort of my bed, the sound barrier above our little town was broken by a jetplane flying very very very close by. this is something i haven't heard in many a year and always sends a shiver through me.

on my net friend sara's blog, she asked the question, "what would you like to see happen during this year?" my response? "i would like to see world conflicts resolved without war."

this morning in chapel we sang "Jesus, you are my King," and the though occured to me that Jesus sees no borders. why do we have borders today? is it because of our fallen-ness? as Christians, Jesus is our King. He is our ruler. so for us, should not borders and country loyalties be even more obscure?

i used to be very "canada is the best country in the world... my country is better than yours." but then i lived in another country and it struck me that these thoughts really shouldn't be. why are we so focused on our own countries? we carry such pride that we are canadian or american, when for most of us it is simply by accident of birth.

living in these countries gives us many rights and priviledges. it also, on the other hand, limits our lives. we, as individuals are forced into war along with the other citizens of the countries we call home and and those we call enemies.

When I'm a world away from peace
Behind Your eyes is where I know
I'll find it, I'll find it
'Cause who You are defines my dreams
- Switchfoot, "You Already Take Me There"

engaged

nope, not me. golly, you would know if i had a boyfriend. : )

tonight i went and hung out with my friend jodi who had just gotten back from montana for Christmas, and we were in the dorm and the first girl we see, is of course, freshly engaged. and then later we hear about two others. and we see a girl who just got married over Christmas break too.

but, i should be used to it. this sort of stuff happens every year. one year my roommate got engaged over fall break even (that was cool). but, it still always surprises me.

am i jealous? hmm... i don't think so. i know my time will come. and my engagement story will be better than theirs because it'll be mine. but this environment is just an extra-good one for it to happen in: lots of girls scream, you have lots of friends to oodle your ring, teachers pray for you in class.

but, alas, i am pretty much resigned to the fact that it will never happen to me here.

They're all dying for a change
But me
I'm dying for some action
But these days Sunday seems so far away
So until then I'm gonna sit right here
And here I'll stay
- Caedmon's Call, "Dance"

"and You have made for me"

i am sitting in my room of my house at school, after enjoying the luxuriousness of sleeping in my beautiful bed, checking up on email and blogs and gazing out the window at a beautiful view of the white snow-covered ground, and gray trees covered with frost against a solid white sky.

winter is amazing.

and it's good to be home.

More possibilities
More than You offered me
More than I care to see
From a distance.
- Nichole Nordeman, "Home"

little joys

ever notice how sometimes the littlest things can bring such joy?

my new mouse is quite fabulous, has no ball to clean and get all cloggy and annoying, and plus... when you turn it over it has a red light. coooooool. : )

arrival

please excuse my absence, i was unavoidably detained in edmonton, alberta.

thursday i took the bus to edmonton to meet up with my housemate rachel (she lives in my basement) and then the next day drive to school. but, another girl was to fly in that night from alaska who would be driving with us. and, for those of you who don't know, juneau alaska has been very foggy lately, and thursday no flights got off the ground. so, she did not arrive until friday evening, a full 24 hours late. so, friday i spent with rachel taking in whyte avenue in edmonton (a little touristy-type street with lots of shops), had some pizza from the funky pickle, had deep fried ice cream at julio's barrio, went to ikea (bought nothing but had much fun discussing different rooms and greens and took some fun pictures), met rachel's family, and watched thelma and louise (first time for both of us. my comments... odd movie). so, yeah, it was an unexpected fun day.

so, today we left edmonton at 9:30 am and arrived at school and our lovely little house (which we missed dearly) at 7:30pm. nice drive. good conversation. snow covered prairie. chats of husbands and goals and dreams.

got home. looked in empty fridge. talked to joanne who arrived just before us. unpacked (well... a little bit. most will be left until tomorrow). did laundry. checked email. empty inboxes (junkmail does not count!). checked school mail. um, one email in that. not sure what to think. pitter patter.

holding on to Jesus. trusting i won't break down.


exhausted. going to bed. more thoughts tomorrow.

leaving

i am supposed to be leaving sometime tomorrow on the bus for edmonton... Christmas break is officially over for me and i am returning to school, although i don't actually have any classes until the 22nd i think it is...

there are not a lot of things that i hate, but packing is definitely one of them.

and leaving people.

and seeing people leave.

and saying good bye.

and not saying good bye when someone actually does leave.

and wondering when (and if) you will ever see them again.


Parting is such sweet sorrow.
- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

happy new year 2003