the dark sacred night

i have been spending my last couple of days at home cleaning out my closet full of boxes from when we moved in '97. it is weird to not have a room at home yet still have a lot of stuff.

a few select items i have found while questing to throw out/give away/clean up have included the following:

a) my gym sweatshirt from junior high. i wore this lovely creation every other day during p.e. class for at least two years. this navy sweatshirt was adorned with red patchwork and embroidery all over the front, and at one point, had matching navy blue splash pants with a red heart on the knee. the shirt is moving on to a new home in a second hand clothing store.

b) my high school jewelry collection. this collection includes some real "gems," including the fake gold dancing people earrings i wore on the first day of ninth grade. these i am keeping for the memories, although they shall never grace my ears again.

c) all the books i have ever owned, except for those i have at school with me in Saskatchewan. the large majority are from my voracious reading years of grades 6-8 when i was a big fan of the baby sitter's club (claudia was my favourite, even though she couldn't spell and that drove me nuts), sleepover friends, and sweet valley twins (i liked elizabeth better than jessica, jessica was too prissy). the rest are all painting and drawing technique books, sewing, needlecraft, etc., and a few other odd assorted books in the mix as well. these i shall all be keeping.

d) thirty bucks. yes, that's right. thirty dollars. this was a welcome find. it is going straight to my summer road trip fund. america here i come. : )

e) lots and lots of shoeboxes. my family tends to be voracious shoe box collectors. they are always good for packing though. and putting shoes in.

f) my entire cassette tape collection. the first tape i ever bought was joey lawrence. he was the dumb guy on the tv show "blossom." but boy, could he ever sing... or so i thought.

g) two huge boxes of letters from pen pals. at one point, i had over a hundred pen pals. hey, out on the farm, we made our own fun! even if that included writing letter after letter to people we did not know. i actually did meet a few, and a German pen pal came and stayed with me for a couple of weeks when i was 15, that was neat. today, i have lost touch with about 99% of them but still get the odd letter occasionally from a few of them and emails once in awhile as well. and, just last week i discovered my old pal jenni has a blog of her very own, and i am looking forward to catching up with her in the new year.

and speaking of the new year, i hope everyone out there in my blogland has a great one in illinois, new york, ohio, missouri, ontario, or wherever you may be. enjoy the dark and sacred night.

I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
- George Weiss and Bob Thiele, "What a Wonderful World"

blogs

a lot of what i do online is reading blogs... which i find pretty interesting most of the time.

for personal interest, i have my regular blogs, many listed on my sidebar to the right. these are people i don't know in real life, but the majority of them post interesting stuff and i like to read it.

the rest of the blogs i read are for research. i am planning on doing my thesis hopefully on something in the area of internet ministry, and if i can figure out how, i'll do it on weblogging. specifically, since i am doing my masters degree in youth and family, in the area of adolescent blogging.

blog postings like this, they are what make my heart beat faster and send my mind to prayer.

scary

i tried to post, and blogger ate it.

but the gist of it was this... i'm not ready for 2003. it sounds so future-ish.

and cool people i know will be spending it in new york city watching the ball drop in real time and not in delayed time after spending all night watchind CBC's new year's specials in their living room in alberta with their brother.

skip to the end

spent the day knitting, went with my brother and dad tonight to rent some movies to watch over the next few days. they are watching "behind enemy lines" right now but i've seen it before and don't feel like sitting in front of the tv at the moment.

my sisters both left this morning as well as my one brother in law too of course. the house is much less rambunctious... is that how you spell that? four siblings and one husband is a lot... what will it be like if we all get married? : )

i went outside this afternoon and tried out my new camera, the Pentax MZ-6 i got for Christmas. there was some lovely thick hoar frost and so hopefully my pictures will be "cool." took a lot of the frost, some of squirrels, a couple of our sheep, one of norah our donkey, jenny (the dog), and later took a couple of my cat blackie inside.

found a cool link today, d film, you can make your own cool movies to send to friends. : ) yay for useless stuff to do online.

think i'll get offline... have spent way too much time online today.

anyone have any cool new year's plans?

'cause everybody wants to know
the way the world is going to go...
- Mukala, "Skip to the End"

what????

this is the lamest entry ever... but i have a question. what is a "desktop theme"? everyone always finds my page searching looking for desktop themes of various sorts, mukala desktop theme, a walk to remember desktop theme, pretty in pink desktop theme, etc.

dream, dream, dream

long day today. was not feeling well so got up late, have a cold and a bit of a sore throat.

i like Christmas holidays because they have no agenda... there is nothing specific that i need to accomplish. i learned how to purl (as in knit and purl) the other day, and today i accomplished the task of learning how to knit cables and spent the day designing a scarf and getting that started. it is turning out pretty nice, and is a lovely shade of light blue.

my housemate rachel called and we had a nice chat despite the constant interruptions of family on both sides of the phoneline, and arranged that i will take the bus down to edmonton and will stay overnight there on the 2nd of january and then we'll drive back to school with a girl from Alaska on the 3rd. we'll be early back but it will be nice to have the house to ourselves and get things in order and settled back in before everyone else gets back. and hopefully i can get a couple of assignments started.

so, yes, nothing too exciting going on in my life these holiday days and that is just fine. : )

btw, december 26th in Canada is called "Boxing Day," it is traditionally the day where you boxed up your leftovers for the poor but has now evolved into Canada's biggest shopping day, similar to the day after Thanksgiving in the US i'm told.

now, for a lovely hymn, wish i could post the music for you. it is a lullaby that lulls me to sleep tonight...

Still, still, still.
The night is cold and chill!
The virgin's tender arms enfolding,
Warm and safe the Christ child holding.
Still, still, still,
The night is cold and chill.

Dream, dream, dream.
He sleeps, the Savior King.
While guardian angels watch beside Him,
Mary tenderly will guide Him.
Dream, dream, dream.
He sleeps, the Savior King.
- Still Still Still, German Hymn

so this is Christmas

another Christmas almost over. it's just after 11pm here in Alberta, but my blogger clock will say it's tomorrow already as it's on Saskatchewan time.

i can't believe it is Christmas Day. seems like last Christmas was not so very long ago. i remember last year thinking that this year i probably wouldn't be home December 25, 2002, yet here i am. i wonder what december 25, 2003 will be like. is this our last big family Christmas? where will i be next december? where will my younger sister and brother be next december? i guess we will only know then.

it was nice to have the whole family home for time together and for a big traditional Christmas dinner... turkey, my mom's good salad with cream dressing, turnips, whipped potatoes, homemade gravy, peas, corn, crabapple jelly, homemade buns, etc. i always find it interesting what people have for their Christmas dinner because there are always such different things that we ourselves consider to be an essential of Christmas while really it is our own family preference and tradition that deems it so.

the "magic of Christmas"... somehow is lost on me this year. how has our Saviour's birth become so morphed and changed over the years?

Oh holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of our dear Savior's birth
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks, a new and glorious morn

Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine, oh night, oh night divine
- "Oh Holy Night," traditional Christmas Carol
Words by Chappeau de Roquemaure
Translated by John S. Dwight

Advent

tonight on the way to the Christmas eve service at my parents' church i realized that i am not really ready once again for the birth of Christ this year. but that is what the Advent season is, isn't it, a time of preparation? i don't feel i properly prepared for Christ's coming. to realize once again the gloriousness of God's coming to earth in the form of a little baby, to be born in a stable. the King of kings born in the straw.

the miracle of Christ. the miracle of God's love. how it humbles me.

What can I give him, poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd, I would bring a lamb;
if I were a wise man, I would do my part.
Yet what I can I give him-- I will give my heart.
- Christina Rosetti, "In The Bleak Midwinter"

feeling

Things never happen like I wish they could
Only in my dreams
I've never been willing to give up my heart
Or let myself believe
But I have been waiting all of my life.
- Jake, "Believer"

"every day is..."

i miss school. i miss my friends. i miss being independent. this makes me think about next year, as in next fall. what will i be doing? what are my goals for 2003? what are God's goals for me for 2003? where will i be exactly one year from now? will i be any further along in life or will i be in exactly the same place? will i have changed? will i be any further along in my walk with God? what new things will i have realized and worked through between now and then? will i be any closer to fulfilling my life goals? will i be in love? am i in love now?

the header of this post is from a song by carolyn arends, called "new year's day." some of the lines go like this:

I buy a lot of diaries
Fill them full of good intentions
Each and every New Year's Eve
I make myself a list
All the things I'm gonna change
Until January 2nd
So this time I'm making one promise

This will be my resolution
Every day is New Year's Day
This will be my resolution
Every day is New Year's Day...

Every day is...
One more chance to start all over
One more chance to change and grow
One more chance to grab a hold of grace
And never let it go.
- Carolyn Arends, "New Year's Day"

realizations

had a long day yesterday, but it was fun. went shopping with my mom, younger sister, and younger brother. this was the first year we actually got to pick out what we wanted for Christmas so that was kind of neat... but some of the fun is gone now that we know most of what we'll be unwrapping on Christmas morning.

my older sister and her husband got here last night, they live about twelve hours away.

so now the whole family is together for Christmas. something about the randomness of it all and the immature behaviour that pervades my siblings makes me thankful that i'm not married yet or have a boyfriend to bring home to this. and that makes me sad. our families should make us happy. sure, it's great to see them, but i wish they would grow up.

random thoughts

- my parents... they're not the only grown-ups anymore, i'm grown-up too.

- i can't live without the passion of God in my life.

- a ring with a story and a history is far better than the world's finest diamond.

- i need new socks.

- i got my scarf back. there are still good samaritans.

- i like being independent. but i also like depending.

- it's okay to not always do what everyone expects. colour outside the lines. live outside the box.

- the best things in life... are they free? grace is free.

- i want to fall in love. or am i in love?

- it's bedtime. a full day of Christmas shopping is ahead.

It's not looking like Christmas, there isn't any snow.

but i can feel it

today i went with my mom to pick up my younger brother edward at his college, it's about two hours from here. i had never been there before and he'll only be there for one more semester, so it was nice to get to see a little bit of "his world."

helped my younger sister decorate the tree once we got back, watched kate & leopold with my dad and sister. i love that movie... i think it's mostly the set that i love though. and the ideal that true love is out there.

I can't see it, but I can feel it.
- a line from both "A Walk to Remember" and "Kate & Leopold."

my beautiful scarf

well, good news, i arrived safely. aren't you glad i'm back to blogging? ; )

my trip was pretty uneventful, a few highlights would include:
a) brandon, the 1 year old who barfed the whole of last night in the seat behind me!
b) the fact that they have added an express bus between calgary and edmonton at the time i need it so i actually get to have lunch before 3:30pm and got to have it at 11am... yay, i didn't have to starve.
c) i didn't have to sit beside any dirty old men like has happened in the past.
d) not all my buses were full so sometimes i got my own seat and a little sleep.
e) i got to see the most wonderful moon-rising i have ever seen... a lovely peach harvest moon over a frozen lake with all purples and blues in the sky, words could never do it justice.
f) hearing many a cellphone conversation (this is not the norm for me, i have only seen one or two cellphones on my campus) this past day, i was immensely thankful that i have never had a lukewarm telephone conversation that i can remember that ended with an unenthusiastic "i love you." its sad, shouldn't love be vibrant and full of life?
g) my luggage arrived with me and not after me.

the low point of my trip would have to be when i got in the car with my mom and my sister at the end of it all and realized that i had forgotten my favourtist scarf ever, the rainbowy one that took me forever to knit myself two winters ago that always gets lots of compliments, yeah, i forgot it on my seat. so i phoned the bus station people at the next bus depot and they said they would look for it but stuff like that usually gets stolen.

so here's hoping there are still good samaritans out there and no one is walking around peace river with one particularly beautiful scarf that someone else really misses.

great rejoicing

it is with great joy i give you the following, my to do list:

1. write culture and adolescent subcultures paper (8 pages)
2. write response to patricia hersch's a tribe apart
3. write 8-10 page paper on adolescent webloggers.
4. develop a 12-15 page ministry strategy
5. finish thesis proposal, 20 pages

so, tonight, at approximately 9:20pm i will be boarding a Canadian Greyhound bus and will travel across the great expanse of land known as Alberta until tomorrow evening at 5:20pm when i will arrive to much excitement for Christmas at home.

it's been interesting to see the jump in traffic on my site lately, both excouraging and exciting. i love the comments you guys leave. i love the fact that the internet facilitates relationships that we would never otherwise have. it's neat to "meet" so many different people and get to know them.

so... i'll be on a bus. think of me when tonight and tomorrow when you are sitting at the safety of your computer desk and i am in the middle of nowhere. : )

gotta go and pack.

he sits beside no one
for fear of conversation
far from the windows and the rain
the bus arrives...
- Sweetsalt, "Camelot"

ha!

although the main search query that leads people to my site continues to be "jason killingsworth," it made me chuckle immensely to find out someone got here by searching for "twenty and never had a boyfriend."

eerie

I find it eerie how we sometimes adapt so quickly, yet at other times the adaptation comes so slowly.

I’ve adapted to having no one around. That doesn’t mean I like it though, I still search for people.

I have taken to adapting by taking breaks on tamara’s bicycle, biking down centre street and all the way around the east side of town and back to our house. I love the feel of the wind in my hair, and the feel of freedom that comes with being totally in control. And I have perfected the art of riding with no hands these past few days.

On our campus is Saskatchewan’s largest auditorium, which happens to be our chapel, which, in a pinch, can seat about 4500 people. Driving west on Canada’s #1 Highway from Moose Jaw you will pass by a little town with a huge illuminated chapel front. And, if it’s Christmas time, the chapel will be illuminated with a huge blue light. I always thought that the blue light was extremely tacky, but these past couple of days riding by in front of the chapel by bike on the road that no one ever uses I am awed every time as I turn the corner and see the hugeness of the whole building and knowing that it is a building built to honour and glorify God. It is an awe-inspiring sight.

I have adapted the monotony of time by moving to work in the living room on holly’s laptop instead of working in my room on my desktop. I like facing the street and seeing the Christmas lights across the street on all the houses. I like seeing people pass by.

I have adapted to cooking for just me. But I much prefer cooking for more than just me. I remember someone saying on a blog entry that I read a couple of weeks ago that there was no way that they could remain single with that many good recipes in their arsenal. I hope that’s true! : )

Right now I am in the living room typing this when I should be doing homework but I needed a break. Will post this to blogger later when I go back upstairs. I’m listening to robert’s concert on CD turned up loud on the stereo in my room as we haven’t one in the living room. It’s piano, playing The Deep Deep Love of Jesus. We have a big stairwell in the entry way with lofty ceilings and the sound is echoing deep and reverberating off the walls… eerie, but also beautiful.

Oh the deep deep
Love of Jesus
Vast,
unmeasured,
boundless,
free.
- The Deep Deep Love of Jesus, hymn

question

is colorado nice? would i want to live there for a year?

ugh

well, i don't think i'll be leaving until at least wednesday night. i still have a lot of work to do. this makes me frustrated. i have been doing work pretty much straight since saturday. i want to go home and have Christmas and see my family.

I once believed if I loved others then they would love me, too
But I've seen that isn't always so.
- Ginny Owens, "Run to You"

update

my to do list as it now stands:
1. write culture and adolescent subcultures paper
2. write response to patricia hersch's a tribe apart, fawcett books, 1998 (working on it)
3. write 8-10 page paper on adolescent webloggers.
4. develop a 12-15 page ministry strategy
5. finish thesis proposal, 12 out of 20 pages currently written