mikao's world

Really Me

Sometimes I really wonder why people like me.

I wondered about this a lot last summer, and yesterday I thought about it again. What is it about people that makes them want to hang out with me? What makes want to be my friend? What makes me friend worthy? Is there anything about me that makes me loveable?

Something I often complain about in real life is that people always say "Michelle, you're funny." Really, I suppose, this shouldn't be a bad thing. I should take it as a compliment. But people say it all the time. Usually when someone first spends a bit of time hanging out with me they say "Michelle, you're funny." And usually they add something about how they had no idea I was this funny when they first met me. No one ever says "Michelle, you're cool" or "Michelle, you're pretty," but something inside makes me want them to. People usually know me as funny Michelle or sarcastic Michelle, and sometimes I worry that's as far as they'll get and that's all they want.

Maybe I'm still going through some late sort of adolescent search for identity, or perhaps it's that quarter-life crisis that John Mayer sings about. Because who am I really? Am I that funny Michelle, or is there something deeper?

Last night I was talking to a friend about the whole concept of being "set up." I told her I always had problems with being set up because it's like the setter-upper is saying "Hey, I think you two should have a romantic relationship. I think you'd be good romantically." Like there is no time for friendship, only time for relationship. But perhaps this reveals my bias that I would rather be friends first, or that I think stronger love grows out of friendship.

Our discussion went on a little more. We talked about how when you are set up, or if someone you don't know "likes" you, we worry that they really don't know you. Of course they don't know you. They just know the perceived you. The physical you. The reputation you. It's like they don't know who you really are, they just like who they think you are.

I sometimes worry about that. That someone will like me only because of who they think I am. I worry that someone will fall in love with the funny me or the sarcastic me, or the Jamie Sullivan that they think I am.

But I'm not a movie character. I'm someone else. I'm me. I live and breathe in real life and not on a movie or television screen. I don't fit nicely in a video case and you can't just take me out when you have time and you want to watch me.

I hope sometime someone will really want to know the real me. The me that's in there deep down.

Because I really want to know him.