mikao's world

the lure

My fear is that love will never be real for me. That the prospect of true love is only a fairy tale sold to me by books and magazines and products that I lap up like the eager consumer that I am, hoping that someday the idea will be a real experience for me like it is for others.

My fear is that the day with the white dress that the magazines promise every little girl will someday come for them too is only a mirage, an image I cherish within my deepest desires, a vision I hold dear that will never actually see truth.

My fear is that those who tell me he's out there somewhere are really just trying to console me for now so I will not despair in the moment and will instead keep hope. In essence though, truly, they really do not know any more surely that I do what the future holds.

My fear is that the reality that any one man could honestly care for me more than he cares for himself, or want to share his life with me is just a hope built on a foundation that does not actually exist.

My fear is that somehow my past and my present and who I am makes me unlovable, undesirable, and unwanted.

My fear is that something of me gives off this strange mysterious glow to others that tells them who I really am, a me that I do not know.

My fear is that the reality of sharing my life with someone else, of having a family and raising it together, is and always will be for me an unfulfilled dream, and should be in all respects a fairytale written down and bound as a book on my shelf.

My fear is that I cannot trust God fully to have everything under control. My fear is that I try to hold on to things that I should loose my grip on, things really that He can take better care of, much better care of, than I.