mikao's world

searching for wholeness

this is a post I know I 'm going to struggle with posting because it's one if someone I know reads they probably know what I'm talking about (generally people I know in "real life" don't read my blog which I'm very very glad for. This is my journal of sorts, albeit a very public one posted on the internet, I like having the confidence that you the reader are not someone I interact with daily in real life because then my personal thoughts that I post here would not be quite so personal anymore. Yes, I try not to publish anything here that is damaging to others or to myself. Often my blog entries are a forum where I think out my thoughts and figure out what exactly it is I'm thinking. And I know that collectively as a weblogging community we learn from each other. I have appreciated so much these past few months reading fellow bloggers daily thoughts, struggles, interactions, journeys, and opinions. I know I've learned much from your wisdom. And, many times have I been encouraged greatly. (Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11).

today for me was a horrible day, but I do not think any day is lost in horribleness that we can learn from. It began when I had the worst sleep that I can ever remember having in my entire life.

and then it festered tonight, I was in a situation in a group that I did not ever want to be in, and especially did not want my fragile heart to be in. I have realized this semester that I allowed my heart to fall too deeply and have been really struggling with that and turning to God for healing. I know that I need to stay out of situations that encourage me to linger on in this relationship. But tonight, I was forced back into it and I did not know how to handle it and ended up extremely embarrassed and very… I think exhausted is the only word I can use to describe it. a very trying and tiring experience.

later I was speaking with a good friend about the incident and I asked why it is that this relationship, or non-existence of relationship, has to haunt me so. But then I said maybe haunt wasn't exactly the right or best word. But she said, no, it really was, because it's true that it does haunt me. what is the definition of haunt after all? This relationship follows me everywhere. People persistently bring it up. People I don't even know all too well bring it up. Friends bring it up. It follows me everywhere. It doesn't let me go. it sticks to me like glue and follows me like a lamb.

I fell very deeply for someone. I don't know how much of this that he actually knows...but I think surely it is not only me who has spent the last two or three years with our relationship or non-existence of relationship or potential relationship (whatever you want to call it…) being the subject of conversation all over campus especially amongst our friends and mutual friends.

I wish it would quit haunting me. I want to move on. I wonder whether or not I should talk to him about it. but, as I have written previously in other blog entries, I struggle with this. I don't want to affect his life with "my" problems. I don't want to shake his world or even move a pebble stone or speck of sand out of place in his life. is this wrong?

he's someone I respect very deeply and I don't want to change his opinion of me. I want everyone to move on. It frustrates me that I have such a hard time expressing my opinion to others on the matter, especially when I do to friends and they take it so lightly and don't respect me.

I just want to move on. But I don't know how to do that when in the midst of such a storm... I can't do it alone.

within the human heart somewhere
there is a canyon to be closed
a void of space to erase – within the soul
- Canyon Bridge, "Wholeness