mikao's world

late night thoughts

rachel and holly just left my room after a little late night chat. i think most good chats happen late at night.

there were northern lights tonight. God is rad.

i got to thinking today that perhaps… well, actually not "perhaps", "for sure" i would say would be a better choice of words, my worries and uncertainties about the summer stem out of selfishness, selfish goals, selfish ambition.

i got asked to go back to a place i love and work with some pretty cool people. i was the only core female staff who decided on going back. but i was thinking that perhaps i should not go back because (and some of these reasons will make no sense to anyone except for me and God) in no particular order:
a) none of the other core female staff are going back.
b) the other core female staff were awesome and i developed some awesome friendships with them and the job just won't be the same without them.
c) my weekends are totally uncertain this summer… i have no idea where i'll be ending up for any of them and i hate not knowing things like this.
d) i hate imposing myself on people's generosity.
e) i'm afraid to take on positions of big leadership.
f) i'd like to get paid more.
g) i worry that i should do another internship.
h) i've never gone back to the same job before.
i) i'm afraid to take risks in relationships.
j) i'm afraid of letting old loves die.
k) i'm afraid of starting a new one.

my focus has been on myself. i keep forgetting that God will provide, he has things under control, and he knows what he's doing! his plan is bigger than my plan. i'm being selfish in seeking after my own needs and worry about myself, when his plan is bigger than anything i can imagine. Father, let me give it all to you. he's going to use me no matter where i end up, but i'd rather be where he wants me to be than somewhere else.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink' or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air' they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aare you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?… But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be give n to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
- Matthew 6:25-27, 33, 34